Thread: Silent tears whisper

I know this isn't one I should've wrote (has other poems to write) yet I did anyway! so critique and patch it up if you must hehe.

Silent tears whisper
of how I have sinned
to the authority above
grounding me to hell,

Now that Lucifer has ascended
to personally judge
my green emotions
spread out on this criss-cross table

these silent tears whisper
revealing the truth
of the man whom I abolished
from ten stories high

the verdict is in
my jail will be an eternal flame
burrowed deep into earth's crust
an aeon of pain

this is my penance,

Gaze upon my surreal face
and witness the atrocities
I have committed
and damn me for venality

your eyes shall dew
once you've seen what I have done
your mouth will moist
after you revile my existence
and your fists shall soak
once you bleed me dry

this is my penance
their shall be no mercy
for my injustice

Chief, this is a really interesting idea which made me want to know the whole story. I think this would translate really well into a short story. As a poem though I have a few problems with it, the introductory line anticipates some kind of repentance which never really appears. Instead there is almost a kind of gloating on the part of the I figure, this comes through in the fact he mentions that God himself would come to judge him, there is also the repetition of "it shall be I" which anticipates some grandiose destructive power that will be bestowed to the narrator. It doesn't seem like there there is a great deal of repentance or that the penance is going to be painful. Although you do mention a jail of eternal flame, there is no real sense of this being a cause of pain or anxiety. I think the poem would be much more hard-hitting if you found a way to communicate the dread of the upcoming punishment.
-Ian

I agree with the above post. At first glance the narrator seems like more of an angel than a doomed sinner.

Thanks for the feedback , I was going for the narrator being punished but i see it needs work hehe

edited the poem hope its a little more clear, and I think I might try and right a story around this O_O if I do I'll let ya know

The first thing that came to mind was what are the atrocities, sins the narrator has committed? I think it would be very effective to introduce them in each stanza using imagery and or metaphor.

spread out on this criss-cross table

This would certainly be the devil's table! Desecrating the cross.

and damn me for my venality

In red. I would eliminate. Redunant.

burrowed deep into earth's crust

Punctuation.

A good poem, Chief, but I would flesh it out a bit more. It may just be me but I found it to be a bit obsure.

Keep writing! Laurie

thank you SilverMoon for your critique - I'll see if I can introduce his sins , and oopsie on on earth's punctuation

alright finally got it done! let me know what you think, hope it works well hehe