Thread: Eagles Separating

An old one, I quite like pieces of it but would love feedback.

Eagles Separating

With a flagrant disregard for the thin drum skin
of altitude wrapping the wings.
We practice height
for gain
for the eulogy of the moment
before we are just skin.
Wings, beating a hostile heart
against white stoppers corking mountain tops-
our moment in flight is statis
no longer the flowering bruise of progress.
Healing.

Speaking voiceless in compensation's vernacular
the bows and beats
of every lisp.

I fly like the memory of the courageous
but when I finally lie
dry and dreamless
in my fragment of plummet
I will become that infinite descent.

This was a really interesting read. I love all the personification here. I did feel, however, that there were a few unnecessary words. This is merely a suggestion, but if I were to write this piece over, these are some of the changes I would make:

With a flagrant disregard for the thin drum skin
of altitude wrapping the wings.
We practice height for gain,
for the eulogy of the moment
before we are just skin. (Like this!)
Wings, beating a hostile heart
against white stoppers corking mountain tops- (Like this!)
our moment in flight is statis (Meaning? Slang term? Or is this just a wrong word?)
no longer the flowering bruise of progress.

Healing.
Speaking voiceless in compensation's vernacular (I don't know what to do here, but this line isn't working for me. I'd rephrase the whole thing.)
the bows and beats
of every lisp.

I fly like the memory of the courageous (Not loving this line.)
but when I finally lie (That word is just a little emphatic.)
dry and dreamless
in my fragment of plummet (Not sure about this word. You're using it as a noun the way it reads. And you can. But the noun and "fragment" don't really work together for me.)

Take from that what you will. I think this piece has a lot of potential. I'd love to see what you do with it.

Thank you for your indepth anaylsis, Angel. This is one I've been back and forth on since I found it in my old computer files. I've been tweaking bits and pieces but I can't seem to get it quite right.

Originally Posted by Angel101

This was a really interesting read. I love all the personification here. I did feel, however, that there were a few unnecessary words. This is merely a suggestion, but if I were to write this piece over, these are some of the changes I would make:

With a flagrant disregard for the thin drum skin
of altitude wrapping the wings.
We practice height for gain, Thanks, like these little tweaks.
for the eulogy of the moment
before we are just skin. (Like this!)
Wings, beating a hostile heart
against white stoppers corking mountain tops- (Like this!)
our moment in flight is statis (Meaning? Slang term? Or is this just a wrong word?) It's supposed to tie in with the 'fragment of plummet' later on, falling over and over. Bit of an oxymoron with 'flight' and 'stasis' together but I think I will probably keep that one as it is.
no longer the flowering bruise of progress.

Healing.
Speaking voiceless in compensation's vernacular (I don't know what to do here, but this line isn't working for me. I'd rephrase the whole thing.) Yes, me too. This was one of my problem lines. I think it's a hopeless one, will probably get rid.
the bows and beats
of every lisp.

I fly like the memory of the courageous (Not loving this line.) Any particular reason for not liking it? I'm just curious, as I quite like it but realise it's a little cliche.
but when I finally lie (That word is just a little emphatic.) Agreed.
dry and dreamless
in my fragment of plummet (Not sure about this word. You're using it as a noun the way it reads. And you can. But the noun and "fragment" don't really work together for me.) For me, the idea is that the eagle (or narrator) is falling and it's a fragment of plummet because it's falling that same fall over and over...I was trying to convey a sort of hopelessness but if it's not clear then it defo needs some adjustment.


Take from that what you will. I think this piece has a lot of potential. I'd love to see what you do with it.

I have had a little mess around with it just to tighten it up.

With flagrant disregard for the thin drum skin
of altitude wrapping wings-
we practice height, for gain
for the eulogy of the moment
before we are just skin.
Wings, beating a hostile heart
against white stoppers corking mountain tops-
our moment in flight is statis
no longer the bruise of progress.

I fly like the memory of the courageous
but when I finally lie
broken-
dry and dreamless
in my fragment of plummet
I will become that infinite descent.

I really enjoyed this one and your edits have only improved it. Good work, Nenada.

Thanks Gumby, you're always so kind about my work.

What a wonderful improvement ! You have done justice to your beautiful poem. The final stanza---Poetry in it's purist form--congratulations on a beautiful piece!

Late to the party, so I may only be an echo this time around. Wonderful edit, fine final stanza, and I simply adore "white stoppers corking mountaintops" which is to die for in its originality. Nicely done, Nenada.

Best,
Lisa

Thank you kindly, I really appreciate it.