Thread: Watching that pretty,elegant bird

Something I scribbled up on the side - not my usual but its interesting lol - critique if you must I shall accept all harsh comments for this vulgar piece! not sure if I should put a disclaimer, no language put the guys a jerk lol

I spy with my peeping eye
An elegant bird on a windowsill
dancing and singing
to the winds beat
fluttering her precious beak

I am the birdwatcher
I find a pretty bird
with my long telescope
then I hide in the bushes
so I don't scare her away

I snap some nice photos
to put in my birdwatching book
sometimes I climb a tree
to help get a better view

Oh how I love to watch
these pretty, elegant creatures
sometimes they have company,
and that’s when I bring out
the recording device

only so I can
make a documentary for
Discovery Channel
just like they did
for those beautiful bunnies

oops! I've been spotted
seems I've riled up
the pretty birds hawk

and yes before I am asked
I plan ahead for such a task
I have my camo and my camera
stashed in my special spot
'til the trouble has passed

I hide in wait and like a tiger
I pounce my prey
while hawky is away

so futile be her resistance
as I begin collecting
my birdwatching trophy

to complete the book
I need a sample
of my birdies feathers

I need the knowledge
of my birdies taste
smell
and softness

damn!this one wont shut up
seems I must
use my special chems
to calm down her lustful voice

finally quiet and alone
just one thing left to do
and that is to
make her compact.

I see what you mean. This guy is a creeper! I like the point of view of this piece. How he's equating his stalking with birdwatching. I did feel like, however, that this poem was lacking. Others may disagree, and maybe this is my Criminal-Minds-obsessed-self talking, but I really wish this poem was darker. Right now it's verging on being creepy. But I'd rather finish reading this with chills down my spine. I'm not saying you have to have him hunt these "birds" or anything like that (although that would work). But maybe if he just got closer to them. Made real contact with them. Something along those lines.

Other than that, there's still some editing to be done. I think you need some punctuation here, and "climb" was misspelled in the third stanza. I also wasn't a fan of the "Discovery Channel" part. I thought it was a little too much, but that may just be me. Also:

An elegant bird upon a windowsill

I think it should just be "on." Flows better.

There were some other words I felt should be cut out or replaced, so go through and see if you can edit down a little. And maybe, if you care to, make it a little darker. Keep writing!

heh you got it! darker it shall be, I'll do some heavy editing later on to fix it up and send some chills down your spine, but for now I'll correct the upon/climb and I'll consider taking out the discovery channel thing lol - I thought it might be a little to offensive sorry 'bout that .

Thanks for the critiques and review

For some reason you had me ROTFL! I guess I really liked the way you took a rather disturbing activity and normalized it so. I suppose I have an odd sense of humor. If you wanted to add a more comical ending, you could have the next to last stanza discuss him running away and in the last stanza have him waiting to come back and "birdwatch" again. Thats actually where I though you were going with it when I read, "I've riled up the pretty birds hawk"

Since you want it to be darker ignore that advice.

Definitely repost or bump up when you finish your heavy editing. I really enjoyed this and would love to see it again, even if I get chills.

heh thanks for the advice , Ive been inspired - I'm going to try a comic version and a dark version - lets see witch one turns out better XD

Nice poem Chief.

thanks glad you like it be sure to check out the revised version when I get it up XD

bump! hehe, I have edited in the changes - hope its humorous and dark enough for you guys !

Love this Chief! The creepiness and subtle humor go so well hand in hand. My very favorite kind of piece. Pounce my pray should be prey. Throughly enjoyed this, hon.

Wow thank you glad you enjoyed it, and I'll get that prey fixed right away hehe