Thread: shades (Edit 1)

pompous priests and politicians
blindly emboldened in black and white

cows don't deign to delve the shades
so celadon hues to caesious blues
are lost in pretentious purity

fields are filled: Stark followers
trained to gaze down at above
azure fading to magenta sky

professed white blood bleeds black
from officers lost in holy violence
and flush faces of soldiers' widows
weep cinereous woes of loves
once crimson passions

but variegated hopes in youth grow
like painted seeds from wizened artists
some to fade, some to flower

Forgive the bump. Just wanted to mention I changed s4. The redcoat allusion may have been misinterpreted and I wouldn't dare offend my dear friends in the UK. So there you go.

Oh, and feel free to give me some criticism here. I've been trying to improve my poetic writing and I would love to get some feedback.

This was certainly an interesting read, with layers of colliding images and textures - nice alliterations and unique word choices/adjectives. Some more comments:

Originally Posted by Flapjack
pompous priests and politicians great alliterations, made me wonder right away where you were going with this
blindly emboldened in black and white more good alliterations, the meaning is a bit elusive

cows don't dain to delve the shades the "don't" contraction distracted me for some reason "don't dain to delve" is almost too much, almost - what does this mean though?
so celadon hues to caesious blues made me break out my Webster's, and when these two words weren't in there, had to resort to Google - "celadon"= a type of ceramic, is that what you want here? "caesious"=a bluish-grey tone - perfect.
are lost in pretentious purity a lovely line

fields are filled: (consider colon there) Stark followers
trained to gaze down at above "gaze down at above"? not positive what you were going for, but if my hunch is right, "to gaze down to look up" might be better
at (?) azure fading to magenta sky

professed white blood bleeds black what is "white blood"? what is "professed white blood"?
from officers lost in holy violence
and flushed faces of soldiers' widows
weep cinereous woes of loves "cinereous"=ash grey, esp. of feathers - cinerous woes of loves (?)
once crimson passions lots of great color adjectives in this piece

but variegated hopes in youth grow the adjective here is perfect for your purposes
like painted seeds from wizened artists
some to fade, some to flower" great ending stanza

I enjoyed your word choices throughout, although a few left me baffled (even after I looked them up). I think the meaning of the entire piece could be made a bit clearer and tighter, but especially in the first half, that's just me - I believe clarity in writing is key, even if the style is highly embellished or surreal - but some are fond of hazy word-tapestries that hold some decipherable meaning from the author's perspective, but if you want your poetry to pierce others with a razor-keenness, edit for clarity - of course, first bleed onto the page all that your creativity and poetic genius impel you to, but shape it up later with a mind to clarity - ok, I'll stop saying 'clarity' : )

great writing, flapjack - talent and passion are evident here

---todd

Thanks for your comments Todd. I don't want to spoil everything. I'm hoping that I'll get a bit more criticism before I do any work here. That said, I'll answer some of your questions.

Celadon hue, aka the color celadon, is a sea green color.

You can take "professed" literal and the "white blood" metaphorically. All I'll say at the moment.

Cinereous (ash grey) serves as a color and intensifies the connection in that line to death.


I will probably change that period to a semicolon. Great idea. Lol, I'm not sure why I didn't think of that.

Thanks again Todd. Heh, was starting to think no one liked this one at all.

Anyway, how did everyone else take this? Anyone "get" it so to speak?

So I'm no one, then? I liked it heaps, didn't have a problem with the colors (excellent title, by the way) and feel I have a good grasp of what you intended. Gonna take the lazy way out and just go line by line:

pompous priests and politicians (great alliteration)
blindly emboldened in black and white (great alliteration, again, black and white can be taken three ways, which one?)

cows don't dain to delve the shades (dain should be deign, good ol' cows never question)
so celadon hues to caesious blues (love the way this rolls off the tongue)
are lost in pretentious purity (great line)

fields are filled. Stark followers
trained to gaze down at above (I love this, that is if it is what I'm thinking)
azure fading to magenta sky

professed white blood bleeds black (love this)
from officers lost in holy violence
and flush faces of soldiers' widows
weep cinereous woes of loves (great choice in cinereous, immediate connection to death for me)
once crimson passions

but variegated hopes in youth grow
like painted seeds from wizened artists
some to fade, some to flower (fantastic final stanza)

Okay, so there you have it. I must agree with Todd about being so abstract, I got this reasonably well, I thought, but being too abstract can sabotage your message. Some poets prefer to go to abstract extremes, and end up confusing everyone, other poets prefer bluntness, which can be a bit boring, a happy balance between the two is the best route in my opinion. Don't know why I just bored you with that, but you seemed concerned that no one liked it, it's beautifully written so it is a possibility people are having a hard time understanding. Sorry for being so preachy, please don't hate me. I enjoyed this, Flap, it's very vivid in its visuals and aural quality.

Best,
Lisa

As always, thanks for your excellent comments Lisa. I'm so pleased you liked this.

Gasp...typo. . Fixed now.

Originally Posted by ChestersDaughter

blindly emboldened in black and white (great alliteration, again, black and white can be taken three ways, which one?)

Black and white is meant to connect with the color metaphor in the poem, tie to the bovine comment in the next stanza, make the image of "priests and politicians" (as they typically dress in these colors) and thematically stand for the single-minded resolution and ignorant perception of my subject here. I'm playing off the common phrase, "everything isn't always black and white". I will also note, in reference to the colors, black and white conflicts with the various colors obviously, and ties to "cinereous" in color and meaning. Perhaps too much for 3 words to do?

Thanks for your reassurance . I was being facetious about no one "liking" this. I assumed, especially after Todd's message, that I was too abstract in my presentation. The funniest part of this is I was actually trying to reign in my abstract writing a bit....alas. I will make another attempt.

Appreciate the help Lisa. Thanks again!