Thread: Wedding Knight

OK just got back from my cousins wedding, and had to write this - its the first draft so pick at it till its raw and gimmie them critiques!

Moist-Eyes follow the individual
dressed up like a one-time-princess
waltzing toward her one-time prince

flowers glide gently to oak floors
a toddler with a pillow full of the future
holding to small rings
to mercilessly rule each others heart's

A beautiful smile from ear to ear
holding back tears of happily-ever-after
arm in arm with dear 'ol papa
walking down the aisle of ceremony

Moist-Eyes follow the individual
dressed like a full-time-queen
waltzing toward her full-time-king

the vows of love
'til death do they part
and the exchange of their forever rings
bind these two in sickness and health

bad times, and troubled times
may cripple their hearts
and God knows nature will attempt
to tear them apart

but

their vows of love
'til death do they part
the long awaited exchange of forever rings
shall keep these two bound
as bad times turn to good

life will give 'em hell
but God knows
with harsh words, and affectionate hugs
that they'll make it work

so, my eyes halt
in a room of teary-eyed family
watching the crowning
of this newly wed couple

'til death do they part
only to reunite in heaven
and live forever more

Hey Chief, this is pretty, and normally I don't like pretty, but this I found very appealing. Few things, love, but you did ask for picking. S1, L3, I would have preferred waltzing with, to would apply to music, not your partner. In S2, L1, wood in unnecessary, oak says it all. In L4 others should be the possessive other's. S3, L3, I would have preferred arm in arm. S4, L4 again, I would prefer waltzing with, like the switch from one time princess to full time queen, clever, that. S5, it's either till or 'til and in L4 in sickness and health would work better than for. S6, L1, trouble times would be better as troubling or troubled, bit repetitive following bad, but somehow it worked for me just fine and in L3, God should have a cap. In S7, the till issue again, can't wrap my head around "long passed" so 'splain me Lucy. I get L5, in bad times, turned to good, but think it need some rewording, possibility might be as bad times turn to good, or with bad times turning to good, it's a bit awkward as is. S8, God needs a cap again, wont should be won't, don't really get "insurance won't be any better" 'splain me again, Lucy. I'd break that final line after heaven, it's visually unappealing sticking out so. Yep, this I like, made me feel gushy, I don't do gushy, so thank you for making me feel. Best of luck to the newly shackled, err joined in happy matrimony, couple. My best wishes for a long and healthy marriage. Hope you had fun, Chief, and thanks again for touching piece.

Best,
Lisa

wow thanks for the critique and advice, made it that much better , and as for the "long passed" I was going for a time trip, when the couple was long since married and looking back on their marriage, but if it doesn't work with the piece lemme know and I'll take it out, and I was going for a tiny pun with he insurance part - didn't work out so I removed it. again thank you , and I'll gladly give you more "pretty" pieces - their not really my forte either, but I wanted to give it a shot, glad you enjoyed it

EDIT: I decided to take out the "long passed" wasn't doing it for me

Thanks for the post Chiefspider. Here are some of my thoughts. As my usual disclaimer goes, this is just the way I see it. Obviously, I'm being very subjective (and a tad bit hard. you caught me in a bad mood). You did ask for picking .

Eyes follow the individual
dressed up like a one-time-princess
waltzing toward her one-time prince

"Eyes" fails to conjure an image. Perhaps adding "Their" or "The crowd of" or "A multitude of". Just adding an adjective like "moistened" would improve it. I really liked "one-time".

flowers glide gently to oak floors
a toddler with a pillow full of the future
holding to small rings
to rule each others heart with no mercy

Very nice imagery. I'm stuck at the last line. Firstly, I would word it "to mercilessly rule" or "to rule without mercy each other's heart". Also add an apostrophe to others. The real problem I have here is that the rings should be symbolic. Keeping the order here makes it seem as though the rings are there for ruling each other's hearts. Are you are saying that the strength of their marriage is for marriage's sake. What about something like: "that shine in the merciless bond of the heart" or "that shine in heart's merciless bond" or "that shine in heart's hard hold".

A beautiful smile from ear to ear
holding back tears of happily-ever-after
arm in arm with dear 'ol papa
walking amongst a standing crowd

I like this. Very pleasant. Read next section for note about last line.

Eyes follow the individual
dressed like a full-time-queen
waltzing toward her full-time-king

Here the scene is developed so eyes wouldn't need to be changed. I liked the repetition of the first stanza, but this stanza also repeats the walking down the aisle image of the previous one. I probably wouldn't remove either one. If you change the last line of the previous stanza, then the image is of the two standing at the back of the aisle. I might say "arm in arm, standing with dear old papa" and then change the last line to reflect a different idea. Perhaps the idea of him preparing to pass her to her husband?

the vows of love
'til death do they part
and the exchange of their forever rings
bind these two in sickness and health

Same problem I have here. The rings symbolize more than bind. I only make a point of this because this is a very literal piece and saying the "rings bind" wouldn't fit.

bad times, and troubled times
may cripple their hearts
and God knows nature will attempt
to tear them apart

but

their vows of love
'til death do they part
the long passed exchange of forever rings
shall keep these two bound
as bad times turn to good

Same note as before about rings. Otherwise, I really like this section. But makes for a great contrast. Maybe improve contrast below, as I talk about.

life will give 'em hell
but God knows
they'll make it work

I like the repetitive structure: Vows stanza/life hard God knows stanza. I would have made this last stanza more positive for contrast. Also, this 3 line stanza left me wanting. I understand if you wanted to stop the flow at this point but, IMO the stanza isn't strong enough to make the reader want to pause on it. Here's one idea:

their escape from hell
God knows will come
and with it better,
and stronger their bond

so, my eyes halt
in a room of teary-eyed family
watching the crowning
of this newly wed couple

I don't get your first line. Are you halting watching the crowning? That doesn't seem to fit here. Because of the poems literal nature, I would use a different image.

'til death do they part
only to reunite in heaven
and live forever more

Good ending. I liked the way you expanded on your repeated phrase here.

Forgive me if I was harsh. This was an enjoyable read for sure. Please feel free to find something I've posted and pay me back!

I like it Chief. This reminded me of my best friends wedding. Very nice.

@FlapJack Well you certainly had no mercy on me lol, first of I wanna start by saying my meaning in "bind/bound" with the rings is not to symbolize the "ball 'n chain" type thing, but to symbolize their connection through ceremony with the rings that rule each others heart now as one. and the mercy part was not to be meant as a harsh term, but more of a I'll have no mercy in loving you.

Now! I tried your idea with the adjectives one my first two repetitive stanzas, and I like it note I still have Eyes caped, only because I feel it is important to keep them emphasized. and I tried to change the last line on S3, I like it as much as I did the other line, so let me know if you still think it doesn't flow. with S9 I kept the mood the same, but added a line to end your wanting hope it fits with the vibe, and the "so,my eyes halt" is supposed to let you know that I am the narrator of the poem, and I halted because my eyes were following the bride and when she stopped at the alter so did my eyes.

and no worries I asked for picking lol, but I shall sure try my best to pay you back XD

and @ scot glad you like it

Originally Posted by Chiefspider

but added a line to end your wanting hope it fits with the vibe, and the "so,my eyes halt" is supposed to let you know that I am the narrator of the poem, and I halted because my eyes were following the bride and when she stopped at the alter so did my eyes.

I need to stop being critical!

Watery sounds weak. It probably lessens the line from what you had originally.

I kind of assumed that was the reason you said halt, but you have already discussed the vows. For us humble readers, we are already imagining the closing of the wedding ceremony. That is why, your eyes halting from watching the bride walk to the alter, seems out of place.

Once again, forgive my harshitude. Your poem deserves much better .

Narrative pieces always give the writer a chance to throw in their own perspective and you've definitely shown yours in this piece Chief.

I have a few little suggestions

bad times, and troubled times
may cripple their hearts -> may cripple their hearts.
and God knows nature will attempt -> God knows nature will try
to tear them apart

their vows of love -> The long-awaited exchange
'til death do they part -> of forever rings and vows of love
the long awaited exchange of forever rings -> shall keep this pair bound
shall keep these two bound -> till troubled times turn,
as bad times turn to good -> or death do they part

I hope I'm not taking too many liberties with your work (if I am let me know) and that you find these revisions worth considering.
-Ian

I just wanted to add I also really liked the transition of princess to queen and the attention to physical details like the floor, rings etc in a poem that is much more centered on the spiritual union of two people.

@flapjack lol you weren't harsh you were truthful, witch is what I wanted I enjoyed your critique and it helped me to better it, and other pieces in the furutre.

@ISeeBull thank you for the compliments and critique ,but I think I might keep it the way it is , I'm happy with its current state thanks again for the critique! and you weren't overstepping your boundaries at all