Thread: Curtain Call (Thought I try.)

Curtain Call

Curtain Opens
Words unknown.
Incapable. Unable.
Copy. Learn. Fall.
Understanding awakens.
Run and play.
Learning always.

Forgotten loves.
Fantasies lost.
Strife and stress.
Rat race, why?
Possessions, god?
Love forgotten?
Learning always.

Body groans.
Canyon-like skin.
Heart flounders.
Memories lost.
Wisdom gained?
Lesson over.
Curtain Call.



I thought I try a poem. I know I am not that good, but I hope it was not pitiful. Anyways, tell me what you think about this.

Edit: Made some minor changes. 5/28/2011
Edit: Dropped almost all the extra caps in the poem. 5/29/2011
Edit: Lowercased god. 5/29/2011
Edit: Added a "-" into Canyon like skin to Canyon-like skin. 5/29/2011

hmm its a good poem ,I like how you used no more then three words per sentence, vary simple and strait forward - not sure if there is a hidden meaning but I enjoyed it - keep up the good work!

This poem is about 3 stages of life.
1st stage. Very young: baby to toddler.
2nd stage. Middle age: late teens to forties.
3rd stage. Late age: forties and later, when you realize that life is short.

Welcome, Scott. I got it without explanation for what it's worth. Love the brevity, I stink at brevity. Why all the caps? I found them distracting. S1, L3, while incapable and unable could be considered redundant, somehow it works for me. Canyon like skin is fabulous. I liked this a lot, now go write us another.

Best,
Lisa

Wow, ChestersDaughter thanks for the kind compliments. Why the caps? Emphasis on the words only.

In this sentence, "Canyon like Skin," I did not cap "like" because I was not trying to emphasize it. Maybe it does not need it, but when I first wrote it out without the caps, I did not like the way it looked. That is the reason for the caps.

Very cool scott. I would say ditto to Lisa's comment about caps. Because youare using such short syntax, each phrase is going to be emphasized. Not cappingwords such as "like" doesn't really change the emphasis in each line.

Also, I might use a question mark after "possessions". It would doa better job of separating the thought from the one about God.

Possessions, God? I wrote this line that way, because so many people seem to let possessions become a god to them. They hoard this or that, and never help those in need. So yeah, "possessions, God?" is what I meant.

Ah, I see. Then you wouldn't want to seperate the thought so sounds good to me as is. Everything else looks great

I have a question for you Flapjack.

Would it read better as:

Possessions, God?
or
Possessions God?
or
Possessions thy God?

Hmm. If you want to keep the reader from contemplating the importance/meaning of God, then the last one would do the trick. It doesn't flow very well in the poem though.

I suspect you want the reader to consider the ideas of possesion, God, and possesions as God. In that case, the original would be best.

Possesions God wouldn't work in any case.

If, however, your goal is to simply describe the importance of possesion, I would change the line. "God" is distracting. "ephemeral possesions?" might be another way to go.

Either way, we are nit picking here. As I said, the poem is great as is.

So lowercase God? Possessions, god?

Not a bad idea! I think I'll let someone else chime in on the issue, but if it were me I would use lowercase god.

Hi,

I like how you've structured your piece: each stanza containing words that denote behaviors ("copy/learn/fall"), questions (god/belief and possessions and wisdom that's been acquired or not), physical attributes (i.e."canyon like skin") associated/indicative of the three stages of life, as you note. You've organized all these in a list-like manner, which I think works, but it would work much better, gain a concrete, tangible element were you to maintain this listing (as far as the form of the poem) and enrich it with some images, some sensory words, words that appeal to our five senses. For instance, how could the overarching term "fantasies" be rendered in a concrete way? You've got one such concrete phrase, namely "canyon like skin", although I do have a question: Did you mean canyon-like skin? With the hyphen? See, the absence of the hyphen changes the meaning of the phrase a bit: it's a canyon that's like skin (without the hyphen) as opposed to a canyon-like skin (i.e. skin that has, say, the steepness of a canyon). Oh, and I loved your use of the caps, the entire poem, really, because it displays an intuitive sense of structure on your part. Very nice work!

@Lace Thank you for your comments. I do appreciate it.
Lace I don't know jack about structure or anything else of that nature. My writing skills are like par none. Almost non-existent. My grammar stinks, my spelling is worse. Writing for me is both fun and not fun. I love to try to put my thoughts on paper, but because of bad grammar, spelling it also makes me hate myself a bit. When I was in school, I paid attention during the 1st nine weeks. Which was always a review of the year before and I would get bored. I stopped listening and trying. So I would go from a grade of C down to D's and F's. To this day I don't know what a verb, adverb, or an adjective is. Nor do I know how to determine the predicate or subject of a sentence. Nouns, and pronouns I understand. I don't understand when to use or not use the " ' " in a word, which make writing more difficult. But I try. And that is all I can do. I read the magazines, "the writer", and "writer's digest." And from them and a few books on writing I understand that to get better in the craft of writing, you have to write, not only should you write, but you should read, but read as a writer. I don't understand how to read as writer. Have not seen an article on "how to read as a writer," yet. Even the use of a comma I am unsure of. Example all of what I wrote here, did I use it correctly or not. I don't know, I just use a comma when I get a pause of thought in my mind. Never-the-less, thank you for your comments.
@Flapjack. Thank you for the time and comments that you spent on my poem giving me suggestions on how to make the poem read better. Greatly appreciated.