Thread: Sticks and Stones

OK so I'll be honest this one kinda freaked me out when I wrote it, not so much as its a scary piece, but more of I felt involved in the story, hopefully that makes sense O_O.

Your sticks may cripple my limbs
your stones may crumble my bones
but your words strip my beating chest,

your eyelids I have peeled
so I can always be in your sights
and hopefully you will finally
acknowledge me

your lips I have stripped
so I can always see that pretty, pretty smile
and never hear your harsh words

your touch I cannot feel
from within that flesh bound cage
so give me that key
in the form of a razor blade

Your sticks may cripple my limbs
your stones may crumble my bones
but your words strip my beating chest,

your silence is a blessing
for that ugly voice would ruin
your priceless expression,

oh how I wish things could
have turned out differently
but at least now,
you see only me

emotions have long since left me
I do believe my last evaporated
as I preserved your hazel brown eyes

I may be crippled by your sticks
my bones might be crumbled by your petty stones
but your words no longer
tear through my crying heart.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Chief's pieces will never harm me, right? This is so creeeeepy, love it. Too tired to cover all, but will do what I can. S2, pealed should be peeled, S3, striped should be stripped, love it. In S4, I'd remove sharp, unnecessary and messing with your flow. In S7, L4, I would change it to: but at least now, you see only me, personal preference, grain of salt, Chief. S8 is fantastic. Love this, which sin?

Best,
Lisa

wow thanks! your critiques always seem to make my pieces that much better , and I thought of making it Lust because well its a psychotic love poem lol, but decided against it because I hahve somthing different in mind for Lust, so this is just another piece off the side hehe. Glad you enjoyed ! I'll make sure to edit those in when I get a chance!

Lust would be a fine fit, indeed, but I look forward to what else you'll concoct. Happy scrawling!

I edited in the changes - looks better thanks to you , and I'll keep thinking weather or no to include this as Lust, if I like it better then what I come up with for Lust, then I'll make it so! and thanks again for the help and review, hopefully I'll have the new sin in by Monday.

I must confess that reading this alonside your avatar is quite a skin crawling experience. Good work!

heh thanks I'm glad you liked it!

This is a really cool piece because the emotion described is so tangible that it really makes for a very engaging read. I especially like how you used the word pretty twice as in "pretty, pretty eyes" It highlights the narrator's exaggerated focus and also pushes the reader to reject the narrator's presentation of the scene creating the distance and disconnect further shows the narrators insanity. The insistence on this being a pretty image negates the meaning of the word.

I do have a couple of concerns, in the final stanza you write "my bones might crumble by your petty rocks" which I think should read --> my bones might be crumbled by your petty rocks. Personally, I didn't like that you went to the word rocks instead of stones which you used earlier but I love all things uniform so that's just preference.

The other thing I'm going to mention is the final image of pain and the resolution of pain is difficult because you have implied permanent physical damage which is hard to understand as being literal, that is if I'm reading correctly since lines like "I may be crippled" are followed by "but" which would suggest that the crippling is in fact the case and not just a possibility. In the original saying there is a differentiation made between the pain caused by physical things and that caused by words, in your piece however, its a bit hard to tell one from the other since you created a physical image to describe the pain caused by words of rejection etc. (stripped chest). Also at the end you have a "crying heart" which implies a permanent pain much along the lines of the crippling which is somewhat inconsistent with the idea that the narrator's actions are bringing him the relief he is expressing.

If I'm reading anything wrong or there's something I missed entirely feel free to correct my concerns. I don't mean to be overly critical or pick on little things, the only reason I bring all this up is because I really enjoyed your piece thoroughly and threw myself into it, great job.

hmm I see what you mean with the crumbled/stones - I'll fix the crumbled part and I'll try out the stones, and what I was going for in the last stanza, is that the victim crippled his limbs and crumbled his bones, in a means of resistance, but in the end her silence is all he wanted hence no longer tears through my crying heart , so that he may forever watch her pretty,pretty face without her hurtful words of rejection. so yes I did mean the sticks and stones part as a literal term of pain, and the stripped chest is supposed to represent his broken heart, I was trying not to be cheesy and come up with my own version of broken heart hehe. Glad you enjoyed it! I'll edit in those changes soon as I can

Great thanks all cleared up in my mind

np glad I could help! Oh and I edited in your advice, and I agree I like the stones better the rocks.