Thread: That Girl Over There

As promised here is the rest of that poem Todd. This was a little voice practice. I wanted to write something from the perspective of the junior high/early highschool student. Enjoy!



That Girl Over There

Do you see her, that girl,
sitting over there?
I hate that girl, her face, her hair.
Don't look, she'll see!
I don't want anyone to know
that her partner in lab despises her so.

I suspect she 's a fake, a liar of sorts,
coming dressed as a princess,
prepared for a court.
At a smile, the crowd
stands and applauds.
But I won't! I can't!
I know she's a fraud!

For how can hair fall, a delicate rain,
and eyes shine like sapphire's gaze.
How does skin glow, a radiant light
making brightest of day, from darkest of night.

And none of the other girls seem to appear
as a momentary glance of an elegant deer,
prancing and dancing through tall green grass
from science to math and then history class.

Yes, my friend, I hate that girl so.
But don't say a word. I don't want her to know.

This is adorable, Flapjack, how we'll you've captured the adolescent mentality. We all know what hate really means, don't we? Much enjoyed.

Best,
Lisa

I usually do not like poetry but I really liked that. I could actually understand that and I felt like I knew the girl you are talking about.

Thanks Lisa! I'm pleased you liked my portrayal here. I think we do know what hate means, wink wink . You know I'm a fan of contrasts.


Well fantsweetgirl, I understand your hesitation. Poetry for poetry's sake probably isn't for everyone. I know I probably felt like you do a few years ago. The more your write, though, the more it grows on you. I enjoy writing it, not because I aspire to become a great poet. Rather, the literary devices we use in poetry can be adapted to other forms of writing and I want to have the ability to use them when appropriate. Poetic writing can be powerful, even outside the realm of peotry.

Flapjack, I really like this, thanks for posting it
great use of ironic intent -

I especially enjoyed stanzas 2 & 3 - excellent imagery descriptions of his "vision" of the one he "hates" - I really love the image of her prancing and dancing through the tall green grass, to class - yep, I've seen those girls too

(it's almost like he would rather not be so smitten, and he's trying to convince himself not to be, but not doing such a great job at it)

great work
---todd

I moved you down by responding to The Catch, so I am restoring your place. I still love this.

This is very good. I conveys a lot of emotion and reads very easily.

I really enjoyed this one.

Many thanks,

Lover

@toddm - Glad you liked it. The irony serves to identifywith that unrequited love/teenage angst most feel in their teenage years.

@lisa -You do me too much honor.

@lover - Thanks!

Edit: Wow, glaring error on my part. I'll mention it just because it's rather funny. The last line of the fourth stanza read:

"from algebra to math then history class. "

I repeated algebra and math mistakenly. I liked the "a" sounds from prancing and dancing repeated in that line. Sadly, I had to change algebra to science to remove the repetitiveness. Alas...

I was enamored by this.

Hi,

I enjoyed your piece, particularly your likening of the girl's hair falling/descending to rain falling. It's a simple, effective comparison. I like "eyes shine like sapphire" too, although I'm not sure about the inclusion of the word "gaze" ("sapphire's gaze"). Not sure why, but perhaps because a sapphire does not gaze at anything, it's gazed at/upon. I'd suggest maybe having her eyes likened to the shine, not gaze, of a sapphire. But I digress. Other things I liked: the way you employed exclamation marks-- how you attached them to brief, vigorous statements like "I won't!". One question: in "as a momentary glance of an elegant dear" did you mean DEER? Maybe not, but the subsequent phrasing (tall grass and such) made me think you've been likening her deft, agile movements to those of a deer. I like that whole stanza, by the way-- you've got two scenes/types of scenery (grassy area/nature, and the inside of a school) blended very well. Thanks for sharing.

@scott - I'm glad you enjoyed it.

@lace - Oops...I corrected that typo on my blog but forgot to do it here. Yes, I meant deer. Thanks for the heads up.

I wrestled with the same thought as you concerning "gaze". I wrote it more as a metaphore than a similie. Sapphires may not gaze but eyes do. I wanted to really connect the images of eyes and glowing sapphires. You could say I reversed the verbage by making eyes shine and sapphires glaze. I may change it if I think of a better way to connect the two.

Thanks for the excellent comments!