Thread: My sweet eve (happy)

I lay in my bed, my eyes closed

I see your Face

Knowing I could have you

Which is a bitter sweet torture

But enslaved by the blond hair devil

Who’s only for my riches

Mocking me with the devil cold dead loveless eyes

Oh my sweet Eve

We were poor, we were young

Our love of the purest kind

But we, bitter old man and woman

I living in fear of the blonde hair devil

Living in fear of my riches

For one day they may be taken from me

Oh my sweet Eve

As I hate the Blonde hair devil

I say, let her have my riches

Let her have my old life

Like an flower bud

Let us blossom

For now and eternity

Oh my sweet Eve

I like reading your poetry. It is, in appearance anyway, clear and direct. I'm not sure if you had a deeper meaning here because of the biblical allusions ("devil", "Eve", "eternity"), but to me those contributed more to the strength of the story.

I wouldn't mind seeing a rhyme scheme added into this tale. Perhaps a couplet or two when talking about eve and an exceptionally harsh rhyme when talking about the blond haired devil. The work is fine as is, just a thought.

Nice repitition of "Oh my sweet Eve". For me the meaning changed slightly each time.

Thanks for posting.

Hi, Lubu. I truly enjoyed your piece but am stumped as to the reference of "The blonde hair devil" I know there is deep meaning here so if you would explain, I'd be pleased. Wanting some more insight to your poem.

Just ready for a great alliteration. Some people believe you need only two words to create an alliteration but it's three or more. I would eliminate "the" before "devil" so it reads smoother. *

Mocking me with the devil cold dead loveless eyes

* Just an idea to think about: Daring to mock me with devil cold dead loveless eyes.

Much enjoyed and look forward to reading more. Laurie