Thread: House of Horrors - Gluttony (mild language, part one of seven)

Part one to a seven part series, I was inspired by Dante's Inferno (yes the game hehe) so I hope I did it justice! - as usual critiques are welcome and appreciated.

House of Horrors -Gluttony-

"In this house of horrors
I'll show you the corridors
straight from hell,
all you have to do
is ring my doorbell.

My room is beyond
this twisted path
of limbs and gore;
to enter limbo,
just open the door.

The knob twists and turns,
ripping the bloody door open,
spewing its foul stench;
sticky floors,
prickly walls,
and oozing ceilings:
Welcome to gluttony.

This putrid place
is where I roam,
You're more than welcome
to make yourself at home!

Take a seat and have a drink!
Make yourself comfy,
for I'll make sure
you stay awhile

I may not be the greatest of hosts,
but goddamn can I mix a good drink!
I'll keep you here for eternity,
'less you wanna leave

Only one way out, and it is beyond
the door of lust.
Just keep one thing in mind if comes to thus:
I may be putrid, grimy and glum,
but compared to lust
I am your sugar plum."

I actually really like this. It's very sinister and yet humorous all at once, and I love that your reference is from a video-game since I felt like I was incredibly geeky when I got influenced to write things from video-games myself.

What I suggest is that you initialize caps at the beginning of each flow of thought or new line after a full stop (however don't make every line start with a cap - it's a personal preference if you do something like that). Also, put full stops at the end of each stanza Ceasura in the middle parts are good; plus a full stop at the end of the poem is very much needed to ensure climax or definitely note that there is a climax (since you would assume more if there wasn't a full stop at the end of a piece - like it's almost incomplete).

My favourite part of this is the last two lines, however I found it awkward when reading it (the 2nd last line anyhow) so can I suggest something or do an example of punctuation which helps it to flow more?

"In this house of horrors
I'll show you the corridors
straight from hell,
All you have to do
is ring my doorbell.

My room is beyond
this twisted path;
of limbs and gore
to enter limbo,
Just open the door.

The knob twists and turns,
ripping the bloody door open,
spewing its foul stench;
sticky floors
prickly walls,
and oozing ceilings:
Welcome to gluttony.

This putrid place
is where I roam,
Your more than welcome
to make yourself at home!

Take a seat and have a drink!
Make yourself comfy,
for I'll make sure
you stay awhile

I may not be the greatest of host's,
but god-damn can I mix a good drink!
I'll keep you here for eternity,
'less you wanna leave

Only one way out, and it is beyond
the door of lust.
Just keep one thing in mind if comes to thus:
I may be putrid, grimy and glum,
But compared to lust
I am your sugar plum."

I don't know if you can see the difference in flow, but I think it reads a tiny bit better this way ^^ however I may just be a bit crazy! Very good though I would love to read more work by you!

I do see the difference, and thank you it helps quiet a bit! I'll go ahead and edit that in and I'm glad you enjoyed it. There will be six more pieces revering the seven deadly sins or *seven levels of hell* hehe. Thank you again I really appreciate it

This is yummy, Chief, even though I am unfamiliar with the game, which is surprising because my kids have hundreds (literally) of games for every system ever made and they like the spooky stuff. The humor is a wonderful contrast considering the content, well done. Love those last lines, hadda lol. There are a few issues regarding erratic use of caps and punctuation. In S1, L4, remove the cap from All. In S2, I'd adjust the punctuation and caps as such:

My room is beyond
this twisted path
of limbs and gore;
to enter limbo,
just open the door.

In S3, add a comma after sticky floors. In S4, your should be you're and the cap nixed. In S5, host's should be hosts, and goddamn should be one word. In S6, remove the cap from But. Well done, love, I'm looking forward to the other six installments.

Best,
Lisa

thank you so much I have edit the changes into it, thanks for the critique and complements , and I'm not surprised you haven't heard of it, its probably the most gruesome game I've ever played (and I only played the demo lol) unless there over the age of 18 I cant picture any kids playing that game without having nightmares.

That was an interesting poem. I find it funny how different things will inspire one person, but not the other.

I really like this-gruesome -without being gory! You packed in a lot of visual imagery and created some shocking pictures while seeming to poke fun.My son is an avid Gamer-he will enjoy this!

Heh thank you! glad you enjoyed it , and I agree scot, inspiration is unique for each person!