Thread: Notes: My Parisian Vacation

Today,
like a luminary,
I gleam, glide, then stumble
up the stairs to Monmartre
after a long day of drinking Chablis
in cafes fully peppered with Parisians
who laugh at us if we ask for salt.

Women with swan necks and short hair,
carrying wine and baguettes in brown paper bags.
Old men out for a merry day with their mistresses,
practicing the royal's ways.

They, in chic hotels, break bread
and drink wine while a winsome ear is tongued.

Shackled and chained to my husband,
who’s wearing sneakers and a baseball cap,
I glare at him while he reads a map which
will take us somewhere out of Monmartre
where a roaming tourist artist had said
I had a short neck after drawing my portrait.
And my thick husband paid for it.
The portrait of me with a long neck.

At the end of the day, I think
“Oh, sack me into the Seine
or maybe I’ll swim over to the West Bank
and stuff myself with brie so all the men can ignore me.”

Why am I writing this all down?
This and more are stored.

Ass pinching in Italy, poor Paia in Spain,
pigs feet in Morocco, Mexican children selling Chicklets.

I suppose I need these notes because I want to write a poem about Paris
but all I can come up with is

Hide me in a Chanel suit

ErrorLaurie Palmer likes this.

I don't know how this happened! Now, it's on Facebook. Not my wish.
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　

Vary nice!, I can't find anything I can critique about this. keep up the good work

Thanks, Chief. I guess no news is good news!

Different for you, Law, but equally well executed. First, I believe it's Montmartre, but Google it to make sure. I really did enjoy the quirkiness in this as well as the all too brief trip to France. Danke for the afternoon out. A few things, I love the pepper/salt usage in S1, very clever, that. But I believe there is a tense switch in the final line, past tense is used in all prior lines, then that one switches to present. I'm not too crazy about the rapid repetition of swan neck and short hair in S2, I think you should fiddle with L4, even if only to change the line just a bit. Love skinny S3. In S4, shackled and chained is redundant, swap one out for something else. S4, L3, typo in glare and I would move the which down to L4. In S5, I'd nix river, Seine is self explanatory. Love the final line of S5. I like the sudden switch to an SOC flavor, but instead of from Italy, from Spain, I would use in in lieu of from, but that's just a personal preference. Finally, typo in Chanel. There are too many fine lines to quote but I'd like to say that you've developed a very fine ear for sound. Lots of glorious sounds in here, and poetic devices perfectly placed for the most benefit. Kudos, love.

Thanks, Lisa. Glad you enjoyed the playful and my use of sound. First piece where I've used no Figures of Speech except for three alliterations. Yes. Very different for me. This was meant to soley entertain.

all too brief trip to France

The title "Notes: My Parisian Vacation". Just a day written down in a diary, so to speak.

I believe it's Montmartre

Mon Marte and Montmartre are both correct.

I believe there is a tense switch in the final line, past tense is used in all prior lines, then that one switches to present.

There is no past tense employed that I can see. Everything is in the First Person Singular. Can you point out usage of past tense?

shackled and chained is redundant, swap one out for something else

No doubt that they are redundant.

I used the two words together as a collooquialism. Unconstrained language rather than formal speech.

Seine is self explanatory

I don't think it is for everyone.

typo in glare

glare 1 (glâr) v. glared, glar·ing, glares. v. intr. 1. To stare fixedly and angrily.

And she was staring fixedly at her husband. How dare he pay for that portrait!

Finally, typo in Chanel

A fix. Thanks. Now everyone knows I pay little mind to designers!

Lots of glorious sounds in here, and poetic devices perfectly placed for the most benefit.

The greatest compliment as you use sounds expertly and you have perfect pacing with words.


Lisa, I'm glad you enjoyed! . And to let you in, I've been to France and fell in love with it! This is about the imagination at work.

You misunderstood, Law, I didn't mean the piece was too brief, I meant that the time I spent being in Paris while reading it was too brief. I've never seen Montmartre spelled that way, which is why I suggested you Google it as I was too lazy to do it myself. Regarding S1, gleamed, glided and stumbled are all past tense, while the last line is not wrong, I would have preferred laughed at us when we asked for salt. It caused a pause, but that's just the way my mind works. If you choose to use both shackled and chained in unconstrained speech then who am I to argue. I realize Seine is not known by everyone, but it's pretty famous, the only reason I suggested removing river was because it's messing with the flow a bit, at least to me. I understood glare, Law, but you had spelled it glair, hence the word typo. Thank you back for your compliment, again, I reiterate, wonderful use of sound in this piece which is a quality that always pleases me greatly.

Thanks, Lisa, for bringing a few things up. First, you're right. I initially wrote "glair". You must have been reading before I finished proofing.

I meant that the time I spent being in Paris while reading it was too brief.

When traveling I would keep journals and title my first page "Notes: Vacation in wherever". I wanted this to be seen as maybe the first page of many to come. Journaling. However, this is all subjective. I've changed the beginning to read "On this day...." so it's more clear.

"OK. I had thought the Present Tense a bit too formal for this piece but I see how it works for the better.Thanks.

I gleam, glide, then stumble

I would have preferred laughed at us when we asked for salt

'peppered with Parisians
who laugh at us if we ask for salt."

It was more about "who laugh at us (Americans) if we ask for salt." Their mentality. They do frown upon you if you ask for salt. They steam their food with herbs. What's the big deal!

Well now this is a different side of you Laurie - I like!

You can always be counted on, no matter what you are writing about, to dish out details with that certain humor and wit, and this piece does not disappoint - lots of punchy brash wit here

The salt and pepper lines are pretty brilliant, and you portray the Americans-in-Paris-who-stand-out very well - I think they are offended if you flavour their food at the table, as they are pretty snooty and think you don't think they seasoned it well enough before serving it to you - my wife does the same thing : ) I just like mine a bit more salty, so what? : )

One small thing, I love the swan necks and short hair, and wine and bread section, but for some reason there seems to be one too many references to the wine and bread, that's just me being honest -

"a winsome ear is tongued" made me chuckle

lots of great alliteration use throughout, made it skip along - again, I love all the French details, made the scene tangible

---todd

Thanks, toddm. Yes. Very different for me. My funny bone must be acting up in this weather. Nothing but rain for over a week!

for some reason there seems to be one too many references to the wine and bread, that's just me being honest

Thanks, I'll have to give that a look-over. AND I count on your honesty!

Maybe, when in the mood, I'll churn out another one of the likes. Something just came over me! Laurie

Elegantly charming! I will be watching for the "mood" to strike again.Jul

I too enjoyed this different side of you Laurie, you do occasionally spring one on us. Haven't been to Paris, but I think you've captured a certain feel here that rings true.

Thank you, Fire. First time I've written a poem without employing imagery. Wasn't sure how it would work out but pleased it's to your liking! I'm sure my funny bone will act up again. But I can't ruin my rep as the Mistress of Gloom! Laurie

Cindy, I guess I did spring a different side on y'all . Truth be told I actually loved Paris. Poem is a result of the workings of my imagination. Though I do believe they treat most all Americans like s*i*.