Thread: The Hunter and the Wolf

one of my earlier works - as usual critiques are welcome and appreciated - enjoy!

Alone in this forest I lie in wait
In this solitude wood, I begin my hunt
unaware of my fate
I place a gaze
My eyes met the beast's
I was under his spell
My pride would not allow
his greed to overcome
In a moments notice
a battle had begun
My fangs met his flesh
as his knife met mine
My arm partly devoured
left me crippled
My wound goes deep
but his was far worse
I took a couple steps back
and prepared for his attack
Unlike the many before him
this human shows no fear
Corrupt my reasons may be
this beast must die
The tainted soul before me
eager for my fall
With one last blow
the score was settled
Revenge is a humorous thing
drives humans to great lengths
The beast has finally fallen
my honor reclaimed
And as his eyes shut
I feel somewhat guilty
My greatest enemy has walked out of my reach

Very cool use of italics. Personally I would have written it more back and forth rather than tit for tat. In other words, I would have meshed their actions together more so you couldn't tell that it was two seperate characters, save for the italics. Like so:

Alone in this forest I sit and wait
I begin my hunt with suns departure
and unaware of my terrible fate
I place a warning gaze
My eyes met the beast's
I was under his spell
but pride would not allow
his greed to overcome

Just a personal preference there. I do have a suggestion though. The meaning of "my greatest enemy has walked out of my reach" is lost to me. I have read over trying to discern what the man was fighting against but I can't come up with anything solid. Part of my confusion is that I don't understand the kill being motivated by greed and revenge. Lines 8 and 27 seem to conflict in that regard. From that I can't see another enemy walking away. I would assume the enemy is an emotion or trait of the speaker. That said, it remains a mystery. Perhaps you could give us a bit more clarity in the character's motivations, so that it would be easier to see your theme.

Good read. Thanks for posting.

Thank you for your critiques flapjack, as for some insight I'll gladly help out hehe

When I mentioned greed on the wolf's side, I was trying to indicate the greed of his human nature such be the reason he was hunting the wolf for his own food. and when the hunter said *Corrupt my reasons may be* He knew he was being greedy for hunting the wolf. And the reason I didn't suggest any greed for the wolf, because he also hunts for himself (carnivores hehe)
is because of his pride, and the last line *My greatest enemy has walked out of my reach* is supposed to be him realizing he finally killed the wolf, I didn't implant this in the story, but what I originally wanted to do was show the wolf and the hunter constantly fighting over days time, until one finally killed the other. But when I did it felt to repetitive.

Originally Posted by Chiefspider

*My greatest enemy has walked out of my reach* is supposed to be him realizing he finally killed the wolf, I didn't implant this in the story, but what I originally wanted to do was show the wolf and the hunter constantly fighting over days time, until one finally killed the other. But when I did it felt to repetitive.

I gotcha. If I were you I would just strike that line. Without the poem being what you had planned it is confusing. You might have to make some changes to your intended meaning but right now it isn't a cohesive piece.

As to their reason for killing one another, I would never call the act of killing for food a form of "greed". I would dare say this is innacurate. From the wolf's perspective, why would he not want greed to overcome him. Maybe he wouldn't want "strength" to overcome him. Would that be an ok alternative? What about intelligence, wit, weapon, etc.

hmm, I agree with you greed is a little out of place here, I like the sound of *strength will not overcome* I think I'll use that in my rivise and I'd still like to keep the last line, but I'll modify it and see if i can make it work.

Thanks for the help!