Thread: Where?

Where’ve you been girl?
I’ve been staring at the sky,
Tryin’ to picture your face in the clouds,
but I couldn’t find your eyes
cuz no one has them but you.

Will you stay for an hour
sprawled out in the flowers
so I can tell you how beautiful you are?
I want to take you far from here
where the sky is clear
and there is no one to tell us
that we can’t be together
because no one but you
can take my breath away.
Oh, there’ll never be a day
when I’m through
trying to impress you.
Won’t you let me kiss you girl?

Can't go wrong in poetry with the subject of love. If I might humbly suggest, your writing would be better served if you used more images. You started out nicely but became far too literal. That is not to say that being literal is less effective in all circumstances. In this case, however, phrases like "take my breath away" are cliche and don't do the girl justice. If I may, here is a few lines from something I wrote a little while back. It isn't a fanastic example, but you see the point:

For how can hair fall, a delicate rain,
and eyes shine like sapphire's gaze.
How does skin glow, a radiant light
making brightest of day, from darkest of night.

And none of the other girls seem to appear
as a momentary glance of an elegant dear,
prancing and dancing through tall green grass
from algebra to math and then history class.

Your writing is clear, which is good. If you can add some images and metaphors to really get the point across, your skill will increase quite a bit. Practice makes perfect.

I meant this to be a bit simple actually because I'd had a thought of writing a song. I should have mentioned that. It was supposed to be to the point and lyrical. What do you think?

Originally Posted by Isaiah Lake

I meant this to be a bit simple actually because I'd had a thought of writing a song. I should have mentioned that. It was supposed to be to the point and lyrical. What do you think?

Before I even read your comment, while reading the piece, I was thinking it would make a great song, accompanied by guitar (like your avatar) - I can hear the song in my mind - it has that particular flow

I do agree with Flapjack, as far as poetry-poetry, that passionate imagery goes well in a love poem, gives it that fire - a song that is sung needs to be simpler and to the point, and clearer, because it cannot be re-read and analyzed like a poem on a page can (I guess lyrics can too, but a song needs to have immediate impact on its hearer) - I've written songs for my guitar as well, but those aren't the pieces I post here - they aren't poetry on the page, and the large part of their poignancy is the melody, the build up to the chorus, the tension and resolve in the musical sound - all this is lacking when the song is simply read

I do like the beginning a lot with picturing the girl's face in the clouds - been there, so smitten and seeing the face of the beloved everywhere - ah, what blessed misery!

---todd

(oh, Flapjack, I like the sample you provide - is this something you've posted in full? - if not, post it, then we can all have a go at it : )

Originally Posted by toddm

oh, Flapjack, I like the sample you provide - is this something you've posted in full? - if not, post it, then we can all have a go at it : )

Will do. I've been trying not to post new threads too often but I'll pop it up in a week or two. Let the suspense build

"Will you stay for an hour
sprawled out in the flowers
so I can tell you how beautiful you are?"

I really thought this bit was beautiful

I think that as a song this would work really well, in fact, that is exactly how it struck me.

Everything has already been expressed so well by previous posts-so I will just say I enjoyed reading this. Thank you!

Flapjack-Not nice to tease...peace-Jul

Thanks guys. I really appreciate the input.