Thread: The Wannabe Poet's Lament

Just tell me it’s beautiful;
tell me the rhythm is perfect, that the alliteration works;
tell me it’s deep and moving.

It’s stuffed full of overused adjectives, and overused themes--
if you try to read the hidden meaning you’ll find nothing—
I’m too stupid and foolish to make beauty out of nothing--

But say something, all the same!
Only say something, so I can prove my worth!
Say something, so I can pretend to have an intelligent conversation,

because
all I want is a little
recognition

This, my dear Trides, is adorable. I've posted my response in another thread. lol. All in good fun.

Sorry, love, yours is supposed to be on top of mine. Made a boo-boo.

Trides. A question. Are your poems getting reviews? It's kind of an unspoken rule that if you reply to others works they're most likely to respond to yours. Now, I've read your replies and they should be reciprocated! When I see someone at 0 nearing the bottom of the page I get nearly enraged. No one should be passed up even if they only write three lines. (I hope people are reading this!)

As to your plea poem. It comes deep from the heart. A sad poem which caused me to feel for you. Poems should cause you to "feel" so you have succeded in writing a succesful piece of work.

What I would like to do is break your poem up into more stanzas. Your points will become more alive, effective. I've also made a few suggestions. Here's what I might do.

Just tell me it’s beautiful.
Tell me the rhythm is perfect,
that the alliteration works.
Tell me it’s deep and moving.

Is it stuffed full of overused adjectives,
overused themes?

If you try to read the hidden meaning
you’ll find nothing.

I’m too stupid and foolish
to make beauty out of nothing.

But say something, all the same!
Say something, so I can prove my worth! (Eliminate "Only" an extraneous word)
Say something, so I can try to have an intelligent conversation (More powerful than "pretend")

because
all I want is a little
recognition

Your last stanza "hits home" I think for most of us. A very good "universal" close. Laurie

Thanks, both of you. You're so sympathetic.

Oh, and SilverMoon, I've noticed you really like breaking things up into stanzas. However... I shall keep my poem the way it is, for no particular reason.

Aww this was sweet. Deep down, what a poet wants. I loved the whole thing. Looks like it came from the depth of the heart (even if it isn't, for me it is). I feel the same so many times.

Oh, I can 100% sympathise with the emotions in this poem- everytime I write something I feel like this! I like the use of simple language, such as this;

I’m too stupid and foolish
to make beauty out of nothing.

It's such a raw, self-depricating statement.

Nice job.

Thanks guys... er, girls

Vary nice, I enjoyed this - was simple yet powerful I really felt the emotion behind it, I give you a thumbs up I don't really have any constructive criticism for you, since I am new to poetry all I can say is, you did a stand up job in catching our attention.

Aw. This just makes me sad. You should definitely be getting reviews if you aren't. I know how that feels, though. When I was on this site a few years ago I didn't get much feedback. And it's frustrating. And sometimes you're like, Okay. What am I doing wrong here?

This piece, like everyone said, isn't lacking emotion, although I do disagree about breaking up the stanzas. It makes sense, but visually, I find it unappealing. I did feel, however, that while the emotion here was strong, the poem was too direct in the first stanza. It works in the rest of the poem. But in the first stanza, you're seeking approval for something that isn't there. The irony is almost there. But I think you could emphasize that more by actually adding some of the elements you're talking about, like alliteration or some sort of rhythm. But make it subtle. I don't know if that makes any sense at all, but I hope so!

Nice job!

This seems more than a little tongue in cheek to me, at least that's how it struck me. I can completely sympathize here.

"Because all I waint is a little recognition"

Wonderful stuff, very enjoyable read.

Originally Posted by Trides

"...say something..."

"Something."



I guess I could add to that a bit.

Only say something, so I can prove my worth!

Isn't that so true. When I went to art school, most of the students refused to refer to themselves as "artists" until they achieved some kind of critical acceptance. The arts are so subjective, do you really need the accolades of others to accept that you have created art?

This is far deeper than it seems, IMO. nice work.

I'm glad to see Cindy has agreed with my thought that this was tongue in cheek. After reading the replies of others, I started to think I was an insensitive pig. After reading your work and replies to others, it didn't seem to me you had cause for such insecurities. So, please spill, Trides, dead serious or not?

Best,
Lis

Trieds, I now believe your poem was a bit of a self-mock. Not knowing anything about you, how could I have known this? I thought your were an innocent and so gave you extensive feedback and support. Given this thought, I think the poem should have been quite a bit stronger i.e. employing stronger faux self-effacement. I do feel your poem would have been improved by managing the stanzas differently. It took me a long time to get the feel for creating stanzas for a smother and more impactful read. I learned from others who offered examples of stanza breaks and re-arrangement. But I can respect your need to keep as is. It's your baby. Know I was only trying to help and this had nothing to do with me having an ego investment, re-writing a piece.Some people think it's all about that! Keep writing. I will be interested in reading your poems so I can get a better idea of Trieds, the writer. Peace, Laurie