Thread: Everybody Needs a Love Poem

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Lovely. Bravo. Sounds rather like a song. Oh, and why'd you write it in 2nd person?

Originally Posted by Trides

Lovely. Bravo. Sounds rather like a song. Oh, and why'd you write it in 2nd person?

Thank you, Trides. It's in second person because I wrote it with a couple in particular in mind who are having some difficulties, including what they are (are they boyfriend and girlfriend? Are they lovers? Are they friends?).

I was hoping for it to sound somewhat like a song, but I wanted some small imperfections in the rhythm so it was more like a poem, and also so it would mildly reflect the imperfections of love itself.

Thank you for the feedback.

You did a brave job of tackling the subject of love. It's complexity. And a spectacutlar job of it! What the two are facing:

are they boyfriend and girlfriend? Are they lovers? Are they friends?

To inject the personal: I happen to be going through the same thing and you've captured the dillema very well.

You are the children pulling daisies
from the hardened summer ground.

A great beginning. Innocence personified but then I had a feeling that something was going to come on. Right. Then...

You are the blood that is left pooling,
beneath a promise you’ll not miss.

The contrasting is very effective. You weave diametrically opposed statements, images throughout this piece. Love is never stasis and a well delivered alliteration.

Some of the imagery which struck me:

You are the young boys whistling gently,
into broken freedom bells.

You are the letter that will never make it,
after a wound was left so swollen.

You are the thousands of tears falling,
over cracking of ignorant bliss.

The idea in the last is very fine but I have a problem with the highlighted. You write concretely (fine) then quickly steer away from it which breaks up the imagery for me.

I might write something like this:

You are the thousands of tears falling,
"on" cracked sidewalks once pure.

then you’ll know your love is as new,
as any volume could lay bare.

Your closing lines. Another effective similie but I have a problem with the highlighted. I think you could come up with a stronger noun. As it stands, it reads a little convoluted to me.

Nik, it's so difficult to write about love without red hearts fallen to the floor, the reader slipping on them. You don't want syrupy and you effectively avoided this. Bravo! Something new. I enjoyed this very much. Laurie

This does sound like a song, Nick. Have you showed this to the couple? It's a fine tribute to a relationship that captures the good and the not so good, very well.

A suggestion for the line Laurie quoted.

You are the thousands of tears falling,
over cracking of ignorant bliss.

You are a thousand tears falling,
over cracking ignorant bliss.