Thread: Staged Presence

Glitzed addicts
fixing for their
15 second increment
of dollar store applause.

Pause-Pose movement;
flirt with the audience smoothy.
Act the Cassanova, last Act;
jab them with the wrong end of the stick
and they love you for it

minimal emotional risk
manufactured-too-perfect
aloof charisma and all

package deal
one night stage stand,
pucker up, enthralled.

The mic stinks of sex
as each actor unwraps
a sweaty package, proud
in Pig-hood, thrashing
in the swill of their own
oozing egos, drowned by
shiek "artiste" baggage

conspicuously unzipped.

Excellent! The title is a perfect pun. For me at least it was the sexual references that really brought this together. Great decision to stand "conspicuously unzipped" by it self. Creates the perfect pause there. To be honest I might have missed the point of that line if it was included in the previous stanza.

I laughed at "pround in Pig-hood". More great metaphors.

Great poem overall!


Edit - hmm...seems I need to brush up on my literature. I stand corrected on the second stanza.

Edgewise, there are so many elements in your poem that I liked. I'd be citing most of the poem. I found the following very powerful. It's graphic, awakening.

Act the Cassanova, last Act;
jab them with the wrong end of the stick
and they love you for it

The pun is great and a great neologism. I would like to see it in the dictionary!

in Pig-hood, thrashing

I would like to see "conspicuously unzipped." as the wrap up line. I think it's brilliant in the context of this poem.

proud
in Pig-hood, thrashing
in the swill of their own
oozing ego's, drowned by
shiek "artiste" baggage

conspicuously unzipped.

But the alliteration here is perfectly paced. I see how it's a very important part of your poem but wonder if you could inject it somewhere else?

Mediocrity awarded the merit,
archetypes dream they broke the mold.

Good to read you again. Laurie

Oh this is good, Edge. You've perfectly captured the whole type. Excellent.

I too, think that you could either drop the last two lines, or work them in elsewhere. However, I'm not sure they're needed, as the poem says it all.

Love it also, but you have these typed pegged down real well if I remember correctly from previous bashings. lol. Like those who came before, I love the stick jabbing, glorious, that. I have to jump on the bandwagon regarding the last two lines, I love the lines themselves and think you should sandwich them in elsewhere, they're too good to abandon, but ending with unzipped has a bit more zip. One possessive thingy, ego's should be egos. Normally, I would say switch the numeral 15 for the written, but somehow the brevity of the digits seems to bring the point home more succinctly, not sure which way I prefer yet, thought it was worth mentioning, though. Excellent, as always, Edge.

Best,
Lisa

Oops, almost forgot, love that title, very clever.

Thanks much for the feedback Gumby, Flapjack and CD.

I decided to follow your suggestion, Gumby, and get rid of those two lines. They seemed a bit inconsistent with the language and tone of the rest of the poem.

Immensely appreciate all of your encouragement. It makes me feel like I'm back in the game.