Thread: Nightmare

Probably the longest poem I've ever wrote, and I must say its one of my favorites hope you enjoy and as usual, critiques are welcome and appreciated.
EDIT: after re-reading it a couple times I realized I'm not to happy with it, so I am currently in the process of re-writing it, critiques are still welcome and appreciated.
EDIT: OK I've revised it, there are not many changes, none the less I think its better

a demon resides
upon my bedside
taunting my dreams
with horrific themes

whispers and wisps
conspire against me
with devious plans
most repulsing

my dear incubus
raging in my mind
his eyes wide open
yet he remains blind

as his hands creep out
and tangle my limbs
poison saps my mind
giving me thoughts
of every kind

a battle invokes
inside my cranium
my alter ego be me
my greatest desire
be the fiend

wretched be his name
odious creations
be his game

summoning succubi
to entice my lust
inspiring thoughts
of how I must


I cover my ears
and close my eyes
in hopes to awaken
from this vile dream

one last whisper
from dear Lucifer
convincing my mind
on the best way to rouse

his words to the exact
“just take one step
and you'll be fine,
for life
can't be short enough
so long as death
remains mine”

his words to the exact
“just take one step
and you'll be fine
for life
cant be short enough
so long as death
remains mine”

Should there be a comma after "and you'll be fine"? Also, it should be "can't be short enough".

Originally Posted by Isaiah Lake

Should there be a comma after "and you'll be fine"? Also, it should be "can't be short enough".

Yes there should, but I wrote the poem without any punctuation so I didn't put one there, and oops thanks for catching the can't

however I am still in the process of re-writing this poem and I do plan on punctuating it

I especially enjoyed the first two stanza's, they did flow nicely and had good images. I look forward to seeing what changes you make.

A bit Edgar Allan Poe; I like the darkness of it, I think I would try to use words other than horrific, revolting (which to me comes across as Roald Dahl-ish) and abhorrent, but I suppose it's finding alternative, less abstract words that fit the meter.

I look forward to your revised version.

Thanks for sharing it, and by the way I love your avatar!

Saucerful

This is just yummy on so many levels, Chiefspider. The two final stanzas are positively bone chilling. I think I prefer it sans the punctuation and caps, seems more befitting somehow given the concept. As for that comma, the break after fine is a sufficient enough pause in my opinion, and the inclusion of quotation marks as the only punctuation works wonderfully to reinforce the gravity of the statement. You have to fix that can't, though. My only nit was the use of abhorring and abhorrent in such close proximity, I suggest you swap out one or the other for something different. Nicely done and much enjoyed.

Best,
Lisa

@Gumby thank you for the critique I had alot of fun with this one hehe

@Saucerful wow thank you Edger Allen Poe is one of my Favorite poets/story writers.

@ChestersDaughter glad you enjoyed it I agree about using the abhorred/abhorrent so close I'll try finding something to replace one of them.

EDIT: poem updated to revised version, enjoy (also I would like to know hw you all feel about odious, was worried it didn't quiet fit, but I liked it so i tried it out XD

I have certain words that stick with me basically because I like the sound of them and "odius" happens to be one of them. Since I'm protective of this word, I feel safe in saying that it fits perfectly in your context. You have a delightfully dark voice and this comes from someone who also writes "dark" and scrutinizes other writers who attempt the dark.

a battle invokes
inside my cranium
my alter ego be me
my greatest desire
be the fiend

This! Fascinating. My interpretation: The narrator knows evil. How its taken shape in his mind. He needs some power against it. What better way than to become evil himself. Onward with the battle. He has hope of winning, disguised as Evil. Now, I may be entirely off base but what I like about poems like yours is that it calls for the thinking cap.

Really well done!

wow thank you not entirely off base, evil has taken its toll on his mind and starts to consume him so this poem is him trying to fight back against it, now the *evil* inside of him is his greatest desire, so he is fighting himself. glad you enjoyed it it is a great honor coming from Mistress Gloom herself hehe.