Thread: Lavishness

Outside this May window,
morning dew; tiniest pill drop
and its cock-crow sisters,
make a midget’s rain
on leaf below and leaf below.

Behind her woods
the sun is an orange
then a lively lemon, giant,
lazy to rise.

Nothing is fruitless this day
except for smoke out
from her mouth, coiling;
diaphanous death.

She crushes the cigarette
into a coffee saucer.
It spits in the last
bean brown,
the last wake-up
ground.

Now, she'll not leave this porch
till the sun is a spotlight,
spotless in the sky
over the forest,
its bark desert dry.

She has this luxury every morning,
then chomps through the daylight hours
like some fat caterpillar.

The owl jeer hoots
whilst she lay on her bed,
wondering what
she brought to this day.
　
　
　
　
　
　

You've changed it since my first read, Law. I can see your image vividly, you lucky girl, how I envy you that porch. Loved "tiny pill drop", "midget's rain", "It spits in the last bean brown,
the last wake-up ground.", and this is to die for: "I chomp through the daylight hours like some fat caterpillar." Of course you had to go and flip everything around in the last stanza, but if you didn't, it would be you, Mistress Gloom. A few things, in the first stanza, I think you need some type of punctuation after morning, a comma or a colon, but something. It's a bit awkward as is. In S2 I'm going to go technical on you, the sun is usually orange before it's yellow, so unless you are using lemon as a descriptive noun, meaning it's bad (like a car) because it's slow in rising, lemon and orange should be transposed. There's a typo in diaphanous and in the final stanza if its a singular owl, jeers should be used, or else owls needs an s to use jeer. A bit different for you, beauty in beauty, that's a nice switch, but then there's that last stanza, always the monkey wrench. lol.

Thanks, Lisa, for your catches and that you liked the imagery.

In S2 I'm going to go technical on you, the sun is usually orange before it's yellow

Not technical. Apparent. A dyslexic state of mind. And, afterall, I do believe "lively lemon" actually reads better.

I think you need some type of punctuation after morning

morning dew, tiniest pill drop


I believe the comma should follow "dew" as "morning" is the descriptive word standing as is.


Thanks for catching the typo. How could I have butchered such a beautiful word!

and in the final stanza if its a singular owl, jeers should be used, or else owls needs an s to use jeer.

The owl jeer hoots

I used creative license, here, using "jeer" as an adjective.

then there's that last stanza, always the monkey wrench. lol.

Always, always the monkey wrench. I can't seem to let even nature be. But then you know it's more than about that.

Thank you, again, for your input. Your Mistress of Gloom who went pretty for awhile.

Ugh, blasted Nico, now he's decided I can't use the computer and he's been pulling my hair and biting my ear all day. I'm an idiot, I meant punctuation after window, morning is fine. Between the ringing of the stupid phone and the blasted bird, I keep having to pause and then lose my train of thought, I typed the wrong word, sorry. Okay, I've wrapped my head around owl jeer hoot. Your license is not revoked, lol. And today, you're Mistress of Bloom who moonlights as a handyman or handylady or handyperson to account for that monkey wrench. I'll shut up now.

Put a muzzle on that Nico! You'll have no hair and we need your finely tuned ear for poetry's sake.

I meant punctuation after window,

Done. Had to throw in a semi-colon.

Your license is not revoked

Thank God! I've literally been there before. You're reminding me!

Ha! Mistress of Bloom. I fear I've lost my rep with this one! But a girl's gotta come up for air once in awhile. Be prepared for the next one. Gloom shall never take the back seat!

What a beautiful view you must have, Laurie. I enjoyed spending it with you through your eyes. And you didn't disappoint at the end, as Lisa said, the monkey wrench.

Thank you, Cindy. At first I wrote this in First Person Singular then realized it wasn't angsty enough for Confessional Poetry so I changed it to Second Personal Singular - more of a human interest piece. I was inspired while having coffee on my porch looking out to the trees, at 5am! And I do love the woods.


I had imagined a lady of leizure sensitive enough to appreciate nature but the question is what did she do with her day? I imagined nothing of importance. Hence, she reflects on the end of her day.

The owl jeer hoots
whilst she lay on her bed,
wondering what
she brought to the day.

A mild monkey wrench compared to my usual.

Laurie,

You're quote- "You never write about flowers unless there are weeds," sort of conjures the 1st stanza of the poem, although there are no flowers to speak of, you do see beyond the obvious- the morning dew on leaf after leaf, like midget rain. Great imagery!

Cindy, thanks for commenting on the imagery. Something I'm very comfortable with.

This has a Robert Frost feel to it and I loved it, great imagery in the stanzas:

'Behind her woods
the sun is an orange
then a lively lemon, giant,
lazy to rise.'

and particularly enjoyed how you followed on with:

'Nothing is fruitless this day
except for smoke out
from her mouth, coiling;
*diaphanous death.' (*great alliteration)

the last stanza just finishes it perfectly.

Thanks for sharing it Laurie.

Patricia

Thanks, Patricia. A Robert Frost feel? What a great compliment. Glad you dug the imagery! Laurie

I also loved the imagery here! You've created a beautiful picture in my mind with this. I especially liked this part:

Behind her woods
the sun is an orange
then a lively lemon, giant,
lazy to rise.

I think the only issue I'm having is this:

Nothing is fruitless this day
except for smoke out
from her mouth, coiling;
diaphanous death.

It's just a little touch of ugly in the beauty--and I am ALL for that. But I think the issue is that right now it feels out of place. For me, if you're going to have this here, then I feel like you should expand and create a greater contrast. This may just be me, though.

Really beautiful work. Thanks for sharing.

Thank you so much, Angel, and for quoting your favorite images.

Nothing is fruitless this day
except for smoke out
from her mouth, coiling;
diaphanous death.

I wanted to take a quick turn, here. We discover, suddenly (for effect) that all is beautiful around her then she sullies it. Something is going on with this woman. I liked the contrast. But I am now thinking about your suggestion. There could be greater contrast which for me would require more length. Something to think about. Thank you. Laurie

"Outside this May window," - A May window, I like it.

"on leaf below and leaf below." - This sounds rather odd. I love it.

"diaphanous death." - I recall telling someone I had to look up the word diaphanous. This time was no different. Lovely word.

"till the sun is a spotlight,
spotless in the sky" - I really like the way this sounds.

"its bark desert dry." - Though this line bothers me.

Very concise poem. You had something you wanted to say and you didn't dilly-dally or waste any words in the process. I definitely got a feel for this poem. Great.

Thanks, Whitaker. This is one of my more "compact" poems. I wasn't overly thrilled with it but given the feedback I guess it has its place amongst the good.