Thread: Just a Minor Renovation - Edit 1 (small amount of language)

He'd set himself up for disaster
leaving mottled marks of plum
on skin once alabaster.
Such is the right
of a sadistic lord and master.
Or so he thought.

Years wrapped
in syllabic barbed wire
unrolled from the reel
aka the tyrannical tongue.
Pinching then pricking
every word a tiny scar
until no fresh flesh was left.
Payback is a bitch
and the reel out back
is proof positive.

Once, I had a model's nose,
now it wobbles
like a Saturday night drunkard
with dislocated knees.
It's amusing how
even a pristine patrician nose
is useless
when no air can be found.

Hark, I hear a scratching sound.

Lungs that need to feed
claw desperately
enforcing hands to follow.
Bet those fingers
are numb nubs by now
no longer
prone to pummeling
your domesticated "cow".
Think this lowbrow
has earned your bow.

Insufficient space, you say?
Nay, surely a man
of your caliber
can find a way.

Yep, he'd set himself up for disaster,
I pipe up happily
as I spread fresh plaster
elated and secure
for these walls can't talk
and he can't endure
much longer
I'm sure.

Lisa, I'm familiar with the background story so I have an advantage.

Once, I had a model's nose,
now it wobbles
like a Saturday night drunkard
with dislocated knees.
It's amusing how
even a pristine patrician nose
is useless
when no air can be found.

Now, here is an example of Confessional poetry. The highlighted is a perfect similie for this genre.

Hark, I hear a scratching sound

This seems too archaic for such a contemporary poem. I don't have a word on hand but I think you should eliminate it.

I really liked a lot about this piece. I like the voice you have here. It's very raw and real. I liked all the colloquial language here, too, mixed in with all the great imagery. It made the piece really powerful.

I also actually liked the "hark" line. It gave the line a sarcastic undertone (at least when I read it), which really fit with the direction at the end with this:

Yep, he'd set himself up for disaster,
I pipe up happily

The only thing I don't really like is this:

Bet those fingers
are mere nubs by now.

The line is good, but I'm not liking the word "mere." It just seems a tad emphatic to me.

Really great piece. I enjoyed it!

Ditto to Laurie concerning the similie. Made me smile as I was reading it. Same to Angel about the word mere. Also, I did like your use of "Hark." The sarcasm was blatant and fit with the speakers emotions perfectly. I had those thoughts before I read their comments, so take it as you will.

Originally Posted by ChestersDaughter

leaving mottled marks of plum
on skin once alabaster.

I am a huge fan of imagery that strongly incorporates color. This is one of the best examples I've seen.

On second thought, the "Bet those fingers are mere nubs by now" line doesn't really do it for me at all. I'll qualify that by saying this this is above my ability to write, so your judgment is superior to mine. That said, I might rework those lines, perhaps with a bit more depth. Some sarcasm would be one option. Or, perhaps "bloody nubs" would do it. They just didn't grasp my heart like the rest of piece did.

Great work! You are one of the writers on here that is constantly humbling me. I'll have to write something about jealousy I suppose.

Okay, I've edited, restoring the piece to its original version which I shaved down just moments before posting for fear of being too wordy yet again. I've probably gone overboard as usual, if so, please let me know and I'll have at it again.

Dear Laurie, Good Lord, woman, don't even mention confessional with a piece like this, you'll get me locked up. Although, I must admit the lines you highlighted are true. I've played the Saturday night drunkard more times than I care to admit and with eight dislocations of my left knee, I certainly know wobble. lol. I understand your feelings about hark, and while I usually steer clear of the archaic, in this instance I think it fits. It's complimented by lord and master and now nay, which wasn't there previously, and it's also drips with sarcasm and you know Lisa gotta have her fix come hell or high water. lol.


Dear Angel, Can't thank you enough for raw and real, that's exactly what I was aiming for, and I thought the colloquial speech would enhance the sinister goings-on. Powerful elated me. Appreciate you picked up the sarcasm of hark and I've retained it. As for mere, you're right, it's blah and now it's gone. Thanks so much for sharing your feelings on this one, I've come to admire your work and deeply value your opinion.


Dear Flapjack, Mere is gone, hark is retained. You turn these cheeks red, there's your color, lol. I love to use color and I am honored by your compliment. Please don't ever belittle your ability, Flapjack, and my judgment is superior to no one's. Poetry is based on individual interpretation, what one person likes, another may hate. Ultimately, it's the poet's decision which route to take, but a wise one will always consider suggestions and incorporate those which enhance. I've altered the stanza containing mere, you got your sarcasm, and I got mine. lol. For the record, your pieces are far superior to the crap I wrote when I first came here, I knew nothing, and I mean nothing. Any and all progress I've made I owe singularly to Writing Forums because I learned everything I know about poetry right here. I'd direct you to my earliest pieces as proof, but alas, they've been washed away in the cleanse. So I guess I won't be blinding anyone else. lol. I see you have a great desire to learn. My advice to you is read, all you can, and write, all you can. In time, it sinks in without you even realizing and before you know it, it becomes natural. Take it from me, I know. That said, I should be the cause of humbling under no circumstances. I truly appreciate the abundant generosity of your words of which I am undeserving.

Many, many thanks to you all for your input and for sharing a few of your precious moments with me.

All my best,
Lisa

This has such a great flow, it has that rhythm of a rant, someone who can't stop themselves spilling out exactly what they're feeling.

Once, I had a model's nose,
now it wobbles
like a Saturday night drunkard
with dislocated knees.

This stuck with me, I feel the raw regret coming from the words.

Superb as ever.

My dear, you have a very 'warped Dr. Seuss' piece of writing here. If Laurie is the Miss Dark, then you must be Miss Macabre. I truly enjoyed this fairytale and am in awe of your imagination in writing this one.

Originally Posted by ChestersDaughter

Lungs that need to feed
claw desperately
enforcing hands to follow.
Bet those fingers
are numb nubs by now
no longer
prone to pummeling
your domesticated "cow".
Think this lowbrow
has earned your bow.

Love it!

Again, my apologies for the delay. Eventually they'll have to repair MY laptop, right?

Dear Nenada, Thank you for "rhythm of a rant" I couldn't ask for more, my little lady is just a tad unstable. lol. Thanks also for "raw regret" I am so pleased that it was palpable even in the midst of the rant, the loss of her looks was probably the most significant thing to spur her on. Thanks so much, love.


Dear Cin, Methinks me like, Miss Macabre, as well as warped Dr. Seuss, a little too much for my own good. Thanks so much, Cin, you know how much I love to write these nasty little murder/torture mottled tales of mine. Sometimes I think I was destined to be a serial killer but lost my way somewhere along the line, JUST KIDDING, I have a hard time even swatting flies. Thanks so much, love, glad you enjoyed.


Dear Flapjack, Truly appreciate your stopping by to tell me the edit works, I guess I got the sarcasm to your liking then, and that, pleases me greatly. Thanks, Flap, you're a peach.


Many thanks to you all yet again.

All my best,
Lisa