Thread: Red Rose

This is a poem I did for a contest about a week ago, critiques are welcome and appreciated for I still have much to learn,and would jump at the chance to improve
Please and Thank you
EDIT: updated poem to revised version - enjoy!

Death's seductive tune
entraps my soul
poisoning my heart
ripping out its innocence

Life’s sweet nectar
drains from my body

Only a corpse remains
The addicting gaze
of death tells me
of my fate

As the light fades
and the sun sets,
his face curls
into a wicked smile
draining me dry

But then I start to drip
over these beautiful
white roses
turning them red

My body falls
and the flowers rise
into a rain of petals
as I say my last goodbye

Chiefspider, I don't understand why this poem got so far down the page and without reply! It's a fine poem. Just needs a little tweeking. Here, I interpret death as a very strong suicidal ideation. Doing a furious dance with the idea of death. Here is what I'd do to improve you heartfelt poem's structure.

Death's seductive tune
entraps my soul,
poisoning my heart
ripping out its innocence.

Life’s sweet nectar
drains from my body.

Only a corpse remains.
The addicting gaze
of death tells me
of my fate.

As the light fades
and the sun sets,
his face curls
into a wicked smile;
draining me dry.

But then I start to drip
over these beautiful
white roses,
turning them red.

My body falls
and the flowers rise
into a rain of petals
as I say my last goodbye

Good work! Hope to read more. Laurie

Wow thank you I am honored to here you say that. And I love the revise there, I cant see any thing I don't like in it so I think ill edit into my original if that's ok with you

Hi, there. It's all about what's OK with you. It's your creation! Always remember that when you get feedback. We're just the objective outsiders with a few cents to offer. Laurie

I like SilverMoon's revision, especially with the added punctuation. That really helped the piece a lot. I think there are still some cliche elements to this piece, like the "wicked smile." I've heard that far too many times. Or even "life's sweet nectar." But I love the idea of death being seductive. And because you start off that way, I almost want this poem to have more of a sexual tone. You're scratching at it in the rest of the poem, especially in the description of bleeding on the white roses. But I definitely feel like you could play into that more. Poems about death and suicide and all over the place, but you've got an idea here than could make it more unique.

Oh, and I really liked the last stanza. Nice job. Keep writing!

@SilverMoon: alright thank you, after reading both yours and angels reviews I think I might work on it a bit and see how much I can improve it

@Angel101 I appreciate the review I never would have expected such good reviews on one of my poems, its really encouraging , I like the idea of death being seductive as well, I was originally planning on having it a little closer to those lines. But I wrote it so close to the deadline I wrote it in a rush I'm defiantly going to put more work into it and try my best to live up to both your compliments.

Thank you both for the critiques and advice it helps a great deal

Hmm... personally, I think it doesn't need to be divided into stanzas or capitalized. How's this?


Death's seductive tune
entraps my soul
poisoning my heart
ripping out its innocence
life’s sweet nectar
drains from my body
only a corpse remains;
the addicting gaze
death casts upon me
tells my fate


as the light fades
and the sun sets
his face curls
into a wicked smile,
draining me dry
I start to drip
over these beautiful
white roses
turning them red


my carcass falls
and the flowers rise
in a rain of petals
as my last goodbye

As you can see, I hardly edited at all. The point I'm trying to get across is that I think that in this case, dividing stuff up into complete sentences detracts from the imagery.

I see your point, I noticed a difference when I read both of them in comparison. Thank you Trides Ill definitely keep this in mind when I revise it.