Thread: To my love, despondent

My love,
I wish I might
find fortunes-fair
to purchase for you
all your joys,
if but a tiny-slice
to fill your heart,
but what the price?
when world is wide,
and time like oceans
with waves weigh heavy
and assault these shores
through season-cycles:
whether on summer days
in shining light
or in winter-dark
when cold winds
lash and shriek,
waves come crashing
just the same ~
Come then, love
and find we now
amidst the wide
and tumbling-tide,
jewel-stones glittering,
shimmering bright:
the brilliant joy
inside our eyes ~

This was a lovely piece. I liked all the assonance that was peppered in there, especially at the end. "Wide, tide, bright, inside, eyes." There was some good imagery here as well.

I feel like something is missing, though, and I can't really put my finger on it. It might be this long, skinny stanza you have here that's throwing me. I also most want this poem, the lines, to be in waves. Growing and breaking. Yes, that's it. I'm wanting something more visual.

And along those same lines, the punctuation should be indicating of waves as well. The fact that you don't have much makes me think of flowing water. But then you talk about the waves crashing. So it's not a perfect flow. There should be some stops there. Also, what was with this: "~"? I found it very distracting. But maybe I'm just missing something.

Lastly you have this line:

amidstthe wide

I think there should be a space there.

A good poem, but I think it has room to grow. Keep writing!

Originally Posted by Angel101

This was a lovely piece. I liked all the assonance that was peppered in there, especially at the end. "Wide, tide, bright, inside, eyes." There was some good imagery here as well.

Thanks, glad you thought it was lovely - the imagery flowed out of the meaning, which is a bit impressionistic, and a tad bittersweet - a love poem with that tinge of melancholy

I feel like something is missing, though, and I can't really put my finger on it. It might be this long, skinny stanza you have here that's throwing me. I also most want this poem, the lines, to be in waves. Growing and breaking. Yes, that's it. I'm wanting something more visual.

Like shape the lines to look like waves (?) not sure how that would work, but it's a good thought, if that's your style - not particularly my style, at least not yet - I prefer to let the words on the page themselves react to each other and paint the visual - to me an overly shaped word lay-out distracts a bit from the actual words - also, it would be a more contemporary touch, while I lean more towards the traditional - I realize that the "long skinny" form is fairly modern, that's about as far as I have gone so far : )

And along those same lines, the punctuation should be indicating of waves as well. The fact that you don't have much makes me think of flowing water. But then you talk about the waves crashing. So it's not a perfect flow. There should be some stops there.

It's a pretty fluid piece, and I do have some stops, which brings me to:

Also, what was with this: "~"? I found it very distracting. But maybe I'm just missing something.

Ah, now you touch on the tilde - there was a pretty lively discussion on this very point on another of my posts, "little sparkling diamonds", I believe - suffice it say it has served for me as a stop when a period would be too much, I have been more (self)conscious of it's use : )

Lastly you have this line: "amidstthe wide"

yeah, what was with that? - it happened when I copied and pasted - I caught one instance, this one slipped through - thanks!

A good poem, but I think it has room to grow. Keep writing!

thanks for the encouragement - I certainly will keep on writing, for better or worse
---todd

Nice piece, I like it alot. I particularly liked how certain lines were kept short using the minimum number of words to get the message across as in l.8-9

"but what the price?
when world is wide,"

It looks as if this really keeps the flow of the poem, makes it uniform and short even when the thoughts are expanding.

Another thing I think is cool is the way in which you've used punctuation so that the poem reads without any full stops. Also, props on the title its effective and fitting
-Ian

Originally Posted by ISeeBull

Nice piece, I like it alot. I particularly liked how certain lines were kept short using the minimum number of words to get the message across as in l.8-9

"but what the price?
when world is wide,"

It looks as if this really keeps the flow of the poem, makes it uniform and short even when the thoughts are expanding.

Another thing I think is cool is the way in which you've used punctuation so that the poem reads without any full stops. Also, props on the title its effective and fitting
-Ian

I appreciate the feedback - glad you liked the minimal lines - sometimes less is indeed more, and the sharpest arrows pierce the deepest

---todd

I love reading your poems. Hint of optimism towards the end again? I liked this, specially the ending
the brilliant joy
inside our eyes
Somehow, it reached my heart.

Liked the alliteration used here:
find fortunes-fair
when world is wide
with waves weigh heavy

The words you've used here connect very well. The use of lash, shriek and crash with cold waves - give the idea of an angry and disturbed sea.

You know there are some poems which you just want to read again and again? This was one of them.

Nice work! Keep posting.

Originally Posted by candid petunia

I love reading your poems. Hint of optimism towards the end again?

thanks so much - and yes, I think that tends to creep in nowadays, not as much in older poems - but life has been so much brighter in recent years.

I liked this, specially the ending
the brilliant joy
inside our eyes
Somehow, it reached my heart.

well, I'm glad to hear that - : )

Liked the alliteration used here:

find fortunes-fair
when world is wide
with waves weigh heavy

I must subconciously think alliteratively because I don't notice them so much while initially writing - it is often not overtly intentional - it is only afterwards when I see how it all came together, or when folks point it out like you did.

The words you've used here connect very well. The use of lash, shriek and crash with cold waves - give the idea of an angry and disturbed sea.

thanks - short Anglo-Saxon one-syllable words often have so much power - long fancy words can sometimes weigh a piece down - for instance, I used "despondent" in the title, but I would not likely use that word in the body of a piece.

You know there are some poems which you just want to read again and again? This was one of them.

Well, that is feedback any poet would love to hear - thanks!

---todd