Thread: Memory

ok this is one i made for a contest a few months ok enjoy !

1. An everlasting sleep, filled with undying dreams
   Looking,searching, for one to call my own
   Lingering in darkness, I cast a heavy shadow
   It reflects my regrets, an endless void
   Like a sparrow spreading its wings, but can't take flight
   Nothing to do but to cry out
   Seeking an end to this suffocating pain, I call memory
   My hopes my dreams forever lost
   To start anew at any cost, I flap my wings and begin to fly
   Towards my eternal twilight, nevermore to endure

Memory -revised-

An everlasting sleep
filled with undying dreams,
looking, searching,
for one to call my own.
Lingering in darkness,
I cast a heavy shadow.
It reflects my regrets,
an endless void


like a sparrow spreading its wings
but unable to take flight.
Nothing to do but to cry out.
Seeking an end
to this suffocating pain,
I call memory.


My hopes, my dreams,
forever lost.
To start anew
at any cost,


I flap my wings and begin to fly
toward my eternal twilight,
nevermore to endure.

My thanks to ChestersDaughter for helping with the revised version

Hey Chief, it's been a while, good to see you back. I like what you're saying here, but the construction needs a bit of tweaking so I've taken the liberty to play with the enjambment, add punctuation (the rule for punctuation is all or none) and eliminate unnecessary caps. Caps every line isn't wrong actually, but it's considered old school and a good number of modern poets tend to steer clear of it. Here goes:

An everlasting sleep
filled with undying dreams,
looking, searching,
for one to call my own.
Lingering in darkness,
I cast a heavy shadow.
It reflects my regrets,
an endless void
like a sparrow spreading its wings
but unable to take flight. (changed but can't take to unable to)
Nothing to do but to cry out.

Seeking an end
to this suffocating pain,
I call memory.
My hopes, my dreams,
forever lost.

To start anew
at any cost,
I flap my wings and begin to fly
toward my eternal twilight, (removed the s in towards to tighten the alliteration)
nevermore to endure.


Just my suggestion, no problem if you hate it. A little additional imagery would serve to enhance, but I get your point just fine as is. Hope this helps.

Best,
Lisa

Thank you vary much it helps a lot I usually cant tell when I should break them into stanza's so this gives me an idea on how it works thank you, and I must ask - my I re-post this poem using the changes you made? or would that be considered cheating on my part? (not sure if this was meant for me to revise it on my own using your advice)

Don't repost Chief, if you'd like to use my suggestions, just edit the original or copy my version from the reply and paste it above your original and hit save. Using suggestions is not cheating, love, it's part of the learning experience. As you said yourself, it's given you an example to use for the future. I'm just happy you found it helpful. Of course, if you'd rather play around with it a bit and then edit the original to your own liking, that's wonderful, too.

Best,
Lisa

Alright thank you , I think I might fiddle with it a bit before I edit it in, thank you again for all your help.