Thread: World

Is one i wrote awhile back, critique if you see flaws for i much desire to improve it as much as possible XD please and thank you

A new beginning in a world unspoken
Robbed of perfection, it has become man made
Ended by fate tis a world now broken
Tainted by gods greatest creation, it has become menace
Distraught over destruction , they thrive to correct
The deeds are done, sins no man can change
Using pride and greed, they become tyrant
Ruling over freedom, they call themselves “lord”
Governing this land, they place claim to gods will
Lies and Deceit become truth and law
An unspoken world, became broken and crippled
As time goes on we slowly start to...crumble
Once was a lost cause, became our only hope
Abandoned by will, we loose our strength
Waiting for a fate that may never occur
All we can do, is sit...and wait

World -revised-

A new beginning in a world unspoken
Eradicated by fate is a world now broken
Robbed of perfection it is now man made
Tainted by Gods creation it becomes menace
Distraught over Destruction
We thrive to correct sins no man can change


In a course of time we forget purpose
Using pride and greed we become tyrant
Freedom we now rule, we claim our lordship title
Our lies and deceit become their law
Governing this land we place claim to Gods will


An unspoken world
turned into a fragile and crippled excuse
As time continues to pass we slowly begin to crumble
Once destructive and deceitful now our only hope
Abandoned by will we lose our strength
Waiting for a false fate we know will never occur
all we can do is sit and wait.

I'd like to thank Angel101 and Vasioth for their help, and hope this revision lives up to its critique

Oh, I just love poets that want to improve!

Okay. This is a good subject to write about. A lot you can do. The first thing I noticed when reading this is that there isn't a lot of variation as far as syntax is concerned. Even though you're not saying the same thing, this still makes the piece feel redundant. So I definitely think it would be an improvement to go through it and change it up a bit.

Another thing I noticed is the lack of punctuation. You already have one blocky stanza here. Not having much punctuation makes the whole thing sort of run together. Not what you want. Also, being that there isn't really any punctuation, is there a reason that the beginnings of all these lines have to be capitalized? It's not wrong. After all, it's poetry. I guess it's just a huge pet peeve of mine when people do that. So my advice would be to add some punctuation and capitalize where you should, depending on the punctuation.

Speaking of, the ellipses, should go. Another pet peeve of mine. I don't think they're really adding any effect. They're just distracting.

The only other real problem I have is the lack of imagery and other poetic devices. (I'm finding this a lot recently.) Like I said, this is a strong subject to write about. But the key is to make it unique and interesting. Let your imagination wander and see what you can do with it.

Looking forward to reading a revision!

sweet thanks a lot ! ill defiantly go through and revise it using your advice!

The structure is very blocky, and it makes it slightly hard to read aloud with barely any use of punctuation. Use of Caesura in the middle section would help (however you first need to put it into a form of structure if that makes sense, so I took the liberty of trying to structure it myself).

"A new beginning in a world unspoken
Ended by fate is a world now broken,
Robbed of perfection it now becomes man made.
Tainted by gods greatest creation,
Turning into Menace, distraught over destruction;
They thrive to correct the deeds that are done:
Sins no man can change using pride nor greed,
They become tyrants ruling over freedom,
They call themselves God.

Governing this land they place claim on God’s will,
Lies and Deceit become truth and law;
An unspoken world becomes broken and crippled,
As time goes on we slowly begin to crumble.

Once was a lost cause,
Now it became our only hope;
Abandoned by will we loose our strength,
Waiting for a fate that may never occur
All we can do is sit and wait."

A full stop on the last line is definitely needed too, and the use of ellipses definitely needs to go as Angel stated.
However don't feel distraught by capitalizing each word in the next line; most poets from the 17th-20th Centurty would initialize the first letter in every new line, and it's only recent poets that disregard doing it.
Some of the poetic devices used such as Enjabment didn't work for the flow of thought, and some of the other poetic devices used are a bit rough.

I would love to read a revision of this with varying lines of thoughts!

Thank you Vasioth for the critique and advice I really appreciate it, I'm gonna keep working on it see if I can improve to such a level myself - again thank you for the review, it will help me better my skills in the future.