Thread: Earthquakes

Earthquakes

My head it aches,

From the series of quakes,

Pounding relentlessly into my skin.

I close my eyes,

Await my demise,

Eventually relief will come.

But until then I am cursed,

As my blood vessels burst,

From the pressure that’s pushing me down.

wow, kicka** poem

It can of wrote like a song.

I like this idea. Kind of reads like the brain is hemorrhaging or bursting from all kinds of pressure being put on the narrator. I like the idea of it, actually. However, I feel like the simple rhyme scheme you have here is actually holding back. There's a lot you can do with this concept. You're just scratching the surface here. Perhaps if you let go of the rhyming, you could explore this topic in greater depth.

I'd love to read a revision of this.

I agree with Angel101 about that the rhyme scheme is holding you back. Not only is the rhyme scheme holding you back, I feel that this poem was meant to be more complex. This just doesn't seem right to me as a simplistic poem.
The line "my head it aches" is bad grammar and is unacceptable. The proper grammar would be "My head aches."

The last line is a little bit anti-climatic. I'd prefer something like this:

As my blood vessels burst,
And the pressure no longer holds me down.

The idea of pressure releasing is more thought provoking. I think of the pain and the horrific "relief" when the blood vessels burst.

Thanks for the feedback. Once I've got some revisions I'll post them!