Thread: Thirst (Small amount of Language)

Six days spent circling
never gaining ground
as a savage sun slurped him dry
and unforgiving grains
resisted faltering footfalls.
He sought an unfound oasis
until his scorched retinas settled
for slowing dancing with cacti
as his parched throat spasmed
in a desperate need
for his saliva free tongue
to impart upon
his prickly partners
the importance of ensuring
the SUV
is far from E.

Six days staring
at a hag's reflection
after a sly surgeon's scalpel
had promised her
a hefty gulp
from the fountain of youth.
Dry eyes still wrapped in wrinkles
couldn't abide his lie,
so every day she quadrupled
her oxycodone dosage
and the lines got finer
with each passing hour.

Six days sans staggers
as a neglected Goose
whispered her name
from beneath the bed.
Sixth sunrise, she succumbed,
her psyche satisfactorily numbed.
Her sis resisted sharing piss
to pass the court appointed
urine polygraph
that kept her out on probation
after her third DUI
almost made some kid die.
She imagined the Prohibition
of a bone dry cell
as her mate beat her to hell
while her drunken hand
fingered a straight razor.

Six days he stalked his ex
and her current success.
How he so desired
to once more sip succulent lips,
but his bankrupt billfold
mocked him from his pocket
as his jalopy jerked
to tail the sleek Mercedes.
A quick snip at the gate
of the estate
and he'd be in.
On the seat by his side
two magnums lie,
one to whet his whistle,
the other to make them die,
a cold kiss is better than none.

And on the seventh day,
they all rested,
each of their thirsts
duly arrested.

What portaitures! Each equally striking in that there is rage at hopelessness. The only thing we have left before going mad or entering deathdom, self imposed. Your images are like cuts on metal. Bruising to that degree.

to impart upon
his prickly partners
the importance of ensuring
the SUV
is far from E

Here I'm missing it. Please splain, Lucy.

Six days sans staggers
as a neglected Goose
whispered her name
from beneath the bed.

I need a hand here, as well. Though I do love the image of a neglected Goose whispering beneath a bed. Such a delicious imagination!

Dry eyes still wrapped in wrinkles

Ouch! You make me feel it!

And on the seventh day…


they all rested,
each of their thirsts
duly arrested.

Clever, clever. Like God they did.

Lisa, this gem read very much like SOC to me. Was this your intention?

I never learn, lol, every time I do abstract, I just end up confusing everyone. My time is short Law, Melissa needs the computer for a project, so I have to hand it over. Have to settle for a heartfelt thank you for now but will elaborate later or tomorrow at the latest. Lucy's not ready to 'splain yet, but I'll give you two hints. How does E pertain to any vehicle and what's my favorite type of Goose? Hopefully, that will shed some light. Appreciate the glowing review, we'll discuss points asap, enough weeds for you, love?

I really liked this a lot. All the different stories, different ideas of "thirst." Very neat idea.

In the first stanza, I liked all the alliteration. And how strong this thirst is, and yet the focus is on keeping the car from being "thirsty" if you will. I did feel like, however, that there were too many adjectives. For my taste anyway.

I liked the internal rhyme in the second stanza. I love it when that happens. Make me happy inside. Ha, ha.

I think the third stanza was probably my favorite. I normally don't appreciate the use of more vulgar language in poetry, but this really worked. Very powerful stuff. Makes me want some vodka, though. How wrong is that!

The fourth stanza... Creepy.

The only thing I had a real problem with was the ending. I love the last three lines. The "rested" and "arrested" thing was cool. It's just the "on the seventh day..." part that's throwing me. Probably because I HATE the use of ellipses in poetry. I think it you took that out it would work better. But then again, it's more of a personal taste thing.

Nice work!

No problems understanding your images, Lisa, enjoyed each one. I know your favorite Goose happens to be Gray, or is it Grey?
Loved the title and how it fit each scene so well, but from a different perspective. As Laurie says, Delicious!

OK. E. Empty on Gas. And could you be talking about my favorite: Grey Goose vodka? wink

Wow intense, I enjoyed this fully with substantial satisfaction - for I am no longer thirsty , i could almost feel their heinous intent, and glad to see them behind bars hehe. Good work as usual.

"On the seat by his side
two magnums lie,
one to whet his whistle,
the other to make them die,
a cold kiss is better than none."

Wow, could be the lyrics to a new song....

Joe

Dear Angel, Oh you sweet, sweet girl, you've given me a great gift. I have to be honest here, the car being thirsty was an unintentional bonus, didn't even realize it until you brought it up. The whole point of the E speech to the cacti was my poor dehydrated dying guy kicking himself in the butt for not checking the gas gauge before his desert drive. If the SUV hadn't run out, he wouldn't be heading for heaven or hell, and since no one else is around, his parting wisdom is imparted upon impartial plants. Whew, that was a mouthful. lol. I agree with you regarding the adjectives in S1, but I think I will leave them be this time around. I am a recovering adjective addict and sometimes I relapse without intent. I do appreciate you calling me on it, it will keep me more mindful in the future. I love internal rhymes, also, they're wonderful when they work. As for S3, I was worried about using piss, it's such an offensive word, I put it in, took it out, then put it back. For some reason, it just seemed to fit better than anything else. I'm very pleased it worked for you. And there's nothing wrong with vodka, ever, as long as you don't get falling down drunk, and keep the consumption equal to a little vacation. Creepy, yay!, that's what I wanted. I agree with you regarding the ellipsis, I've been heavy handed with them of late. I shall edit it out as soon as I'm done writing this reply. Thanks so much for the time you took with this and your invaluable input. You've a keen eye, my dear, which I hope you will continue to share with me.


Dear Cin, Thank you so much, love, you know I stink at abstract, but I keep trying anyway. Sometimes I get tired of being straightforward and I want to play around with the reader's mind a bit, unfortunately, I seem to be the playground bully no matter how hard I try to play nice. In time, I hope that will change. Every piece, I learn a little more. Glad you dug the title, it gives me a reason to explain where this comes from. I woke up thirsty at 4am and was too lazy to get up to get something to drink. The thirst kept me from sleeping so I wrote this piece in my head in lieu of getting up. Had to get up anyway because the darn thing needed to be written down before I forgot it. Sipped me a coke while I typed. It's amazing what you can come up with when you're thirsty, lol. And it's Grey, love, me goose will be the death of me, but I'll die happily. Elated you enjoyed.


Dear Law, On the money, honey.


Dear Chiefspider, You clever beast, no longer thirsty, indeed. Thank you, love, I'm ever so happy you enjoyed. Behinds bars, lol, again, so very clever.


Dear Joe, It's wonderful to have you in my thread. I'm very pleased you liked that stanza, I was worried that one would sink. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this one.


My sincere thanks to all for allowing me to borrow your eyes.


All my best,
Lisa