Thread: So Many Tears

so many tears born from my heart
wrenching from the depths of my soul
each a world filled with anguished ache
so many tears in a jerky flow
so many tears I cry

so many tears quake and sparkle
slowly, surely, they tear me apart
stabbing, splitting, slashing, slicing,
painful proof of the pangs I feel
so many tears don't lie

so many tears drain and empty
they leave behind a hollow shell.
So many wish that I cease to be
so many want me to be like them
so many tears -- they die

so many tears, but they are mine
why would they matter to you?

A waterfall of tears, here. You really got across pain.

stabbing, splitting, slashing, slicing,
painful proof of the pangs I feel

And two alliterations you have going here. Very nice! I especially like the highlighted.

The ending is perfect but a couple of punctuation issues.

So any tears, but they are mine.
Why would they matter to you?

I would begin the sentences, the first letter of the first word with a capital and employ periods.

A very heartfelt poem. Thank you for sharing. Laurie

I purposely didn't put the punctuation. Dunno, first time I felt this, but felt the poem would read easier that way. Thanks for the feedback.

The poem is beautiful. I can feel the pain that you seem to be saying.

so many tears, they die

I didn't understand the 'they die' part in the poem maybe reflect a little more.

"they die" because I wanted the metre to remain constant. The last lines in each stanza read that way:

-so many tears I cry-
-so many tears don't lie-
-so many tears, they die-


Also, wanted to give the impression that the tears wished me to die like them (don't worry, I didn't feel that much. Just wanted to make it dramatic )

so many want me to be like them
so many tears, they die

Does it sound wrong?

Originally Posted by candid petunia

so many tears, but they are mine
why would they matter to you?

Because they turn into passionate writing of course!

Very nice poem. I had the same appreciation for the second stanza as silvermoon. I always appreciate alliteration. (LOL)

I enjoyed your clear story arc here. You take us from the "jerky flow" to the "[tearing]" and finally to the "hollow shell". Keep posting!

Sorry. Wrong thread...

I like the lack of punctuation in this, actually. Reminds me of tears, continuously flowing. That part is very nice. However, there's only so much I can read about crying. The problem here, for me, is that you spent a great deal of time describing the tears and the moment, where they're coming from, and then barely touch on the "why." And the "why" is actually what is driving this poem. And it could make it a lot more interesting. Right now, you've got something that I've read quite a few times. We all cry. A lot of people write about it. The anguish of the soul. And unfortunately, because of that, it comes off a bit melodramatic.

This is not me trying to be mean. Just honest. I did like some of this, though. For example, the alliteration, as stated above, was a really great touch. I think there's potential here. Keep writing. I'd like to read more of your work.

Flapjack, thank you. That's what I like about expression in art - they create.

Angel101, I appreciate you being honest. I know you weren't being mean. But, forgive me here, I don't want to try and change this to stand out from the others. This was just an outlet, and I don't want to spoil the originality. Something like, just because everyone else feels the same doesn't mean the feelings aren't real each time... I am sorry if I sounded rude here, didn't mean to be. Thanks for the feedback.

Nah. Not rude at all. I understand. Writing is a wonderful outlet. I use it all the time. But my point was that it's lacking in originality.

I certainly felt the personal pain of this, and almost felt like turning away to allow some privacy in the sorrow -

I don't think this piece is lacking in originality, but possibly could use some tweaking:

Originally Posted by candid petunia

so many tears born from my heart
wenching from the depths of my soul you may mean "wrenching" here, a wench is a barmaid or a poor peasant girl, not sure what "wenching" would mean - "wrenching" is pulling something out, this seems to be what you meant
each a world of anguished ache "anguished ache" is good alliteration here
so many tears in a jerky flow "jerky flow" is an unexpected and original word choice
so many tears I cry
(perhaps only have one space between stanzas)
so many tears shine and sparkle beautiful imagery, although shine and sparkle are very similar - perhaps say something like "appear and sparkle" or "quiver and sparkle" - say both what the tears do and how they look
slowly, surely, they tear me apart
stabbing, splitting, slashing, slicing, wow, the violence of these lines are painful even to read
painful proof of the pangs I feel
so many tears don't lie

so many tears drain and empty
they leave behind a hollow shell.
So many wish I cease to be perhaps add "that", as in "So many wish that I cease to be", stylistic option, and adds a bit of clarity
so many want me to be like them
so many tears, they die

so many tears, but they are mine
why would they matter to you? maybe it's just me, but the "you" appearing only at the end here is a bit jarring, perhaps intentionally so - perhaps consider bookending the piece by having some mention of the "you" at the beginning as well - just a thought

all in all, a very heartfelt and emotive poem - very real and tender - and causes me to really empathize with the writer

---todd

Todd, first of all, thank you. I was kinda afraid of what you'd say, because from what I noticed, you do not like it when people are too depressed (which is a good thing. You're an optimist. We all need to get out there and drink in life, because ah it's beautiful).

Wenching from the depths of my soul - You're right. It should be wrenching. How come I didn't notice it? Thanks for pointing it out.


Also you are the first one to comment on
stabbing, splitting, slashing, slicing.
I'd wondered if no one else felt the pain there.


About the ending, yeah it was intentional. I'll see if I can put the 'you' somewhere, although I doubt it. Looks better to me this way. Will go through it once.

Originally Posted by toddm

I certainly felt the personal pain of this, and almost felt like turning away to allow some privacy in the sorrow

That is the best comment for me.

Feedback really appreciated.
Farah

Originally Posted by candid petunia

Todd, first of all, thank you. I was kinda afraid of what you'd say, because from what I noticed, you do not like it when people are too depressed (which is a good thing. You're an optimist. We all need to get out there and drink in life, because ah it's beautiful).

Of course I don't like it when people are depressed - not a pleasant thing, as I've been there myself - I don't wish it on anyone - what I DO like is when hope shines through despite pain and sorrow - I know depressed folks feel there is no hope (almost by definition) - I like to remind that there is, and there is also opportunity for growth when looked at rightly : )

Wenching from the depths of my soul - You're right. It should be wrenching. How come I didn't notice it? Thanks for pointing it out.

This same thing has happened to me before - had "orchard" when I really meant "orchid", and "perimeters" when "parameters" was what I was really going after - until someone pointed these out, I just thought all was fine : )

Also you are the first one to comment on
stabbing, splitting, slashing, slicing.
I'd wondered if no one else felt the pain there.

I certainly did, probably because I've been there before myself

About the ending, yeah it was intentional. I'll see if I can put the 'you' somewhere, although I doubt it. Looks better to me this way. Will go through it once.

If you meant it to be like that, then by all means keep it - honestly it is good the way it is, it was just a thought - also, I don't see where you could easily put in "you" at the beginning

That is the best comment for me.

Poetry is about self-expression first of all - I wrote for years and no one else saw what I wrote - some of it still remains tucked away - some of those were pretty depressing to go back and read, but it sure made me feel better at the time - thanks for being brave and letting others read what you've written
---todd

Oh I've been depressed too, at a time. But now I feel hope, despite the pain and everything. So I know what you mean.

And I think you should get out those stuff you've 'tucked away'. Would love to read them (no matter how depressing too, yeah ).
Thanks again.

Originally Posted by candid petunia

Oh I've been depressed too, at a time. But now I feel hope, despite the pain and everything. So I know what you mean.

And I think you should get out those stuff you've 'tucked away'. Would love to read them (no matter how depressing too, yeah ).
Thanks again.

now you got me thinking : ) I may go delving and pull out something from more somber days - will let you know
---todd