Thread: The Weeping Willow

The Weeping Willow
My dear I look at you, the Weeping Willow;
An aging deity of beauty
Whose tears weep not joy,
Whose tears weep not hate,
But only reminisce in pain.

My dear I look at you, the hero of the
Dawn; splendour creature who’s greying
Besieged but all the remainder of colours;
A spectacle, a speck, a rough patch of Youth;
Only reminisce in pain.

My dear I fall for you;
Whose eyes shimmer brightly
Like the crazy diamond, transforming
In the dark surroundings into opal;
Not that light, that horrid light which
Promises nothing; only reminisce in pain.

My weeping willow,
Don’t you know that pain is red?
That the apple is life? Or the pomegranate,
That awful, awful fruit is Death?
That is what we are my dear:
The weepy willows; the weepy aged.

We only reminisce in pain,
Nothing else, nothing less.

Vasioth, I liked your poem very much but poems are best, easier read when flushed left and with only initial caps beginning a sentence. How stanzas are presented is also important. I hope you don't mind but I'm going to take the liberty to "show" you what I'm speaking of. You may read the difference.

The Weeping Willow

My dear I look at you,
the Weeping Willow;

An aging deity of beauty
whose tears weep not joy,
whose tears weep not hate,
but only reminisce in pain.

My dear I look at you,
the hero of the Dawn;

Splendid creature who’s greying
besieged but all the remainder of colours;
a spectacle, a speck, a rough patch of Youth;
only reminisce in pain.

My dear I fall for you;

Your eyes shimmer brightly
like the crazy diamond, transforming (I love this!)
in the dark surroundings into opal;
not that light, that horrid light
which promises nothing;
only reminisce in pain.

My weeping willow,
don’t you know that pain is red?
That the apple is life?
Or the pomegranate,
that awful, awful fruit is Death?

That is what we are my dear:
the weepy willows; the weepy aged. (I love this line, too. And I think this would make for a strong last stanza)

We only reminisce in pain,
nothing else, nothing less
I'm not one to comment on punctuation. Some are more gifted than I in this respect but it does seem you went semi-colon happy!

Hope to read more of your work. Laurie

I definitely read the difference, and I was having some issues when it came to making sure that every line would be precise in a form of length and/or rhyme pattern. I went semi-colon happy as a form of pause. (Or a way to introduce a new idea)

I think what made me want to do it a lot was when I read "An Irish Airman Foresees His Death" by W.B. Yeats, however there are parts I'm contemplating on just changing it to a comma instead since it works in the same way as a pause (and I know the function of ';' is usually to expand on a long list of things and/or as a method of contrasting two things which could be considered 2 short sentences on their own, however I do know that some poets use it as a different function for a form of pause or a way in which to develop different ideas).

I do think it's okay to initialize caps at the beginning of every line (and I'm very use to seeing T.S. Eliot, James Joyce and Yeats doing it aswell as Norman MacCaig). However, I do know that a lot of poets only use caps on different ideas or only at a point before a full stop, so that's more than understandable!

Thanks for the feedback though and for taking time to read it and go over it with me; and especially thanks for solving some of the problems I had with it's layout (and definitely thank you for changing splendour to splendid XD I never noticed that the first time around!). I'll be sure to post more things up as there are a few things that I'd love to hear peoples opinions on or criticisms on!

Don't you know....That the apple is life? Or the pomegranate,
That awful, awful fruit is Death?

Loved these lines. Liked the whole thing. I don't do much of criticism, have not reached that level yet actually, and anyway Laurie here has done that part.

Nice work.