Thread: You Are the Captain

Dinner in 5 mins and I didn't get a card? Poetry: saving cheap bastards 3 dollars every mother's day for the last few thousand years.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

You Are the Captain

You’ve sailed through
the sometimes rough sea
of my childhood
and you never capsized,
even if you felt
it was inevitable.
I’ve loved you the whole time—
you’re the guide
I’ve ignored too often;
but you’ve never let me
lose myself.

You Are the Captain

You’ve sailed through Keep this line but add a ,
the sometimes rough sea Drop 'the' Sometimes rough sea,
of my childhood Drop 'of' My childhood
and you never capsized, Drop 'and you' Never capsizing.
even if you felt Drop 'even if' add though
it was inevitable. Keep this
I’ve loved you the whole time— Keep this
you’re the guide Keep this
I’ve ignored too often; Drop 'Too often"
but you’ve never let me Drop 'but'
lose myself. Keep this

I made a few idea's that might help it flow better. Over all it was really good. I love the feeling that I got when I was reading it.

You have a small theme change in the middle of the poem and Im not sure you intended it.

In this section:
You’ve sailed through
the sometimes rough sea
of my childhood
and you never capsized,
even if you felt
it was inevitable.

You are talking about her strength. She was the one sailing. She sufferend from the rought sea of your childhood and she didn't capsize, even when she was sure that she would. Does that mean that she is sure you would fail in some way?


And then here:
I’ve loved you the whole time—
you’re the guide
I’ve ignored too often;
but you’ve never let me
lose myself.

You are referring to how she has helped you. She has been your guide and she kept you from losing yourself.

These ideas are not all that far apart, but they are distinct. For me at least, I think it keeps you from having a cohesive thought. I don't get a strong impression from the poem because you have two completely different ideas that are fighting for my attention. If it were me, I would lengthen the poem to tie those ideas together better. A few transitional lines could do that.

Come on guys. Really? This was just a sweet little poem that he wrote for his mom on mother's day. I don't think it's necessary to tear it apart. I enjoyed it very much.Thanks for sharing.

Lol! Fish swim, birds fly, critics criticize.


edit: P.S. "cheap bastards" write poetry for mother's day, LOL

"You've never let me lose myself". So true. I like the title.