Thread: Midnight

It’s midnight
I lie in bed,
eyes closed wanting sleep,
which only comes in fleeting dreams
of snarling dogs and muddled thoughts
that twist and turn through manic scenes
and spill onto my pillow in muddy rivers.

I lie awake
listening to the night
wondering if I’ll ever scramble
behind this wall of fear.

I think you've got some good stuff going for you here. I especially loved this:

that twist and turn through manic scenes
and spill onto my pillow in muddy rivers.

Very nice imagery there.

I do, however, feel like this poem is lacking something. At the end you speak of a "wall of fear." But I had no feeling of this wall until you told me it was there. In poetry, I like to be able to really feel the emotion radiating from the words. I didn't get that here. You've got good images, but there's not enough substance here to really get any feeling across. Don't get me wrong. I honestly believe you can do a lot with a little. But in this case, I don't think it's working the way you want it to.

My suggestion would be to go back and expand. Really think about what you want to convey, how you're feeling about what you're writing, what you want your readers to feel. I think that would help.

Keep writing!

Ditto to what Angel siad. I enjoyed the first stanza quite a bit and the second left me wanting.

Originally Posted by shadows

of snarling dogs and muddled thoughts
that twist and turn through manic scenes
and spill onto my pillow in muddy rivers.

Besides the snarling dogs image I don't really get a sence of fear. I think for that reason the wall of fear didn't make sense when I came to it. Even "manic" doesn't do it. You have some nice images in there and I like the flow. Probably needs more though to convey your point.

Also, I don't know if this was intentional or not but I wouldn't have ommited the period after "It's midnight".

Thanks for the feedback both of you. Will think of how to improve this. Hard to convey the weird and scary succession of dreams that I can't quite remember only the fear on waking. I'll sleep on it (if I dare)

I love how you listen to the night. And I am hoping the sounds and voices that you hear will be kinder and free of fear.

Thanks Arkayye, better last night. Only dreamt about the ex wanting to cancel his direct debits for gas and electricity.