Thread: Bioluminescence

Bioluminescence

Seeds of sand between bent fingers. Growing with ocean backwash.
We wait when it's dark. The sapphires are coming up to breathe;
he is looking at me. Close to a kiss, waves close to glowing.
Wet feet, water-sprinkled glitter on our arms.
He looks soft like this. Before gemstones dug into his sockets
and all the sand turned black.

Makes holes in my stomach. Secondary hue.
Put my fist inside, thread black through her wrists,
through mine, tie it in pretty bows.
Stay here.

He knows I'd like to hold a sapphire, trace it in gold and sand.
Cup my hands to take the ocean, shake to make waves.
Wait for the breath when I can make it dark.
Where the billowing foam can reach faces,
and our faces make the lights. I need him
when they break the water.

My embroidered body. Not glitter. Not enough.
And I love her stripped. Saturated.
Sapphire.

Heat at the brim of my chin. He's not there, just breathing
lights buried in frothy jaws, smiling through, dimming the moon.
I want them to take me, line me in blue, make me what he sees.
He is rising and the ocean is deflating,
lambent, stirring around my body.

Submerging, black sand.
Close your eyes.

Powder falling in the creases of my palms.
I want to let it rain, hit the water.
I love the sound, but he needs wind now.
His bottom lip is resting on my ear.
I feel heavy.

Marry me.

Nothing in the water. Just in my hand.
Golden waves, diamond glitter,
sapphires in the sand.

There's much I really like in the imagery you use but much that confused me. I got lost in the he/she/you. At first it felt there were just the two of them in the water then suddenly she appeared with that disturbing image of the fist and black thread at odds with the pretty bow, then you and back to the two of them and the proposal.

I also felt that the first verse was a bit staccato.

Thank you for replying. Was afraid that no one would. There are only two voices in this piece, but I can understand why it might be confusing. The first version of this was very different. Very romantic. But when I looked back on this memory I realized that it was missing the dark half of it, so I added more of "his" voice and the poem became very different. I may have to revisit it if it continues to be confusing. The only other review I've gotten on the revision was from a good friend who knows me and the story behind this, so he had an obvious advantage while reading it.

Thanks again!

Vary nice I enjoyed this a great deal, however *thread black through her wrists,through mine, tie it in pretty bows.Stay here.* this makes me think of suicide, and I am a little unsure if that is what was intended.
other then that the only thing is i cant figure out what the sapphires represent, and then again my reading comprehension isn't the best hehe. over all I'd say keep it like this I love the feel of it, and the flow is great.

Great job keep up the good work !

You have definite talent in putting words together on a page - they vibrate there, and don't sit still for a minute.

I felt as I read this that I was drifting out with a gentle current, only to be tossed back to the shore on crashing waves, confused, then tempted back out by gentleness again.

I too got lost in the pronouns - sometimes I notice when poems are highly personal, they mean a great deal to the writer and to those who "are in the know", but to the average uninitiated reader, such poems can be a bit esoteric and mystifying - I didn't say unbeautiful, or unpoetic, but the meaning doesn't shine through since the unwritten "key" is not in our heads, as it is in yours or those who know you.

Those first two lines in the 2nd stanza were a quite jarring and seemed honestly out of place to the whole piece, and when I got to them I thought uh oh, it's going dark and violent - but no, that stanza ends with "pretty bows", and we are back to loveliness, gem stones and playful love in the surf, culminating in a proposal.

If you want this piece to remain surreal and to bring furrows to brows, then don't change a thing - if you want it to paint a picture and tell a story, then I'd suggest mapping out at least a small linear thread in there to follow, embellished of course by all your wonderful imagery.

---todd

I can understand that. I'm glad to be getting more opinions on this because I had no idea if this was confusing or not. Because to me (obviously, since I wrote it) it makes perfect sense. The male and female voice are divided into different stanzas. That's why the pronouns change.

(Whoa. Got distracted for second. Watching The Roommate. This b**** is crazy!)

Ahem. What I'm trying to ask is... What do you think this poem is about? I'd like to know where people are getting lost so I can figure out what it is I need to change. Because I want to share this story.

Originally Posted by Angel101

Ahem. What I'm trying to ask is... What do you think this poem is about? I'd like to know where people are getting lost so I can figure out what it is I need to change. Because I want to share this story.

Overall, I think basically it is about a man and women being together in the surf, having fun, enjoying the setting, then the man proposes at the end - there are lots of meanderings in-between all this, and the dark portion, and other places that don't mesh with this basic plot, but that was I took away from it.

---todd

Ah, okay. Well, man, woman, proposal is right. That's the part I like to remember. But the dark stuff (the suicidal vibe) is an important aspect of this poem. Because with this love was an obsession with darkness and the idea that it is beautiful (sapphire). The male voice in this poem is transforming the darkness inside this female and making it something beautiful for himself. And that is what hurts him and makes him fade away, which is why his stanzas get smaller. So the female is seeing the bioluminescence in the water as sapphires. Something light and beautiful. And he is twisting her idea into something dark.

That's what I want to get across. But subtly.

I can see the the story wanted to get across now that I understand the sapphire, and I still love it ! hehe keep it up.

I don't know how I missed this. That said, my brain is too fried to properly grasp the depth of this at the moment, you've such a wonderful talent for depth, Angel. Layers upon layers, not easy to pull off. I get what's going on, had an inkling which your explanation confirmed. But I must agree about the pronouns, if you could somehow sort them out, most of the confusion would evaporate, at the moment, I have no suggestions, but I'll try to stop back when I'm not so preoccupied with life crap. Striking imagery, as always, love. And I hope she declined, this guy's bad news.

Best,
Lisa

Thanks guys! I'm trying to figure out how to organize the pronouns. I mean, they're isolated into different stanzas. Should they be in the beginning of each stanza? Would that help?

Lisa: She did accept, but never actually got the chance to marry him. Oh, and I'd love to hear your suggestions when you get the chance.

Great read Angel. I loved the sensory adventure .

I didn't grasp his conversion of her until I read your comment. These are excellent lines, regardless, and I would love to see your finished product.

I wish I had some suggestions for you, but besides working on the pronouns I wouldn't dare direct any changes.

Beautiful words!

hi

i read a few of your poems, to get an idea of your style before i posted on anything. i may be getting this all wrong, but here goes...

you use a very condensed syntex, a minimalist approach with lots of rich, descriptive symbolism, which i like. and you like to mix the concrete with a bit of the surreal, which i also like. i think the problem you are having with this poem is that the condensed language doesn't leave much room for narrative, and then switching perspectives between two people several times only adds to the confussion. to tell a story thru poetry will requaire more narrative devices. this is what you might try (just as an experiement) write this event as a story, not as a final product, but just as a guide to better control the structure of the poem. then reduce it back down and re-organize it into poem, keeping only what is needed to maintain narrative and poetic capital.

i'll stop there, but if you would like me to go into more detial i would be happy too.

wood

Ah, thank you! You're probably right about the narrative. I think my issue is that I just hate narrative poetry. Which is ironic, because in my novel and short stories my narrative is very poetic.

I guess this one was just not meant to understood or shared.

OH- I love this!! I have read your other Poems and did not Quite "get them" [I liked them though- you are obviously talented]
But this one-was stunning. Rich in the vivid imagery you so cleverly laid out! The last stanza-So graphic in detail ...Good Stuff!