Thread: Deferred Anger Rising

Well, I finally got some time to work on this one. Here is version 3. Going to say this is all I'm going to do. (Probably ) Thanks again for any comments:


Deferred Anger Rising

I tread through grasping vines
running in deepening forests,
as beams of dark light,
born of blackest night,
envelope a sinister shadow ahead.
Standing by the rushing river
the malignant figure stretches,
and wispy hands reach
to take clenched fists.

A terrible kiss from
hungry lips;

Sudden raging rapids
flowing ever faster
pulling into tow,
then blood on the rocks.

Then rocks on the body.

The wet lips
now crack and dry.

The doves return to the river.
They drink still waters,
watching the sky above.
The angry red-tailed hawk waits.

First of all I'd drop the italics.

I think you've got a nice musicality to your poem. It flows from line to line very comfortably.

I feel like i don't follow the narrative though. You've got a lot of images, but i'm not sure how to interpret them

Thanks SvirVolgate for the comments. The italics were actually unintended. There because I copy-pasted from word and they are now corrected. I'm glad you liked the flow. The images are intended to be abstract. I attempted to clarify their meaning through the style but I may need to be less vague. I'll think on it a while. Thanks again!

I have the same problem as SvirVolgate. I see lots of strong images but can't connect them in any coherent way to get a sense of the whole.

Can blackest night glow?

I'm still working on this one. That said the point of the image was to offset blackest night from the shadowy figure ahead. The "blackest night" does glow in comparison to the darkness of the figure. I see the problem distinguishing blackest night and shadow in the way I presented it. Thanks for the advice.

Please forgive the bump. I've rewritten after the above comments. The title serves the purpose of giving clarity to the meaning. The piece is more focused on the experience.

Hi, Flapjack. There does seem to be a problem with clarity. Now, you capture nature beautifully but you need to nail down the intent (story) you want to get across. This is a guess:


I tread through grasping vines
running in deepening forests,
blackest night seemingly glows (eliminate)
enveloping the mysterious shadow ahead.
The figure stretches, reaching.
Wispy hands caressing me.

Then the hard kiss,
wet lips,
warming embrace
are like sudden
raging rapids,
flowing ever faster
pulling into tow.

Suddenly, blood on the rocks.
Then rocks on the body.

The hard kiss silently disappeared.

The doves return to the river.
They drink still waters,
watching the sky above.

I, the red-tailed hawk
again waits.

There's the great possiblity that I've misenterpreted your poem but this is an example of how to make a poem more coherant. Best, Laurie

Hi Flapjack,

The first line is a little confusing - for a moment I was under the impression that you gave life to the vines - ie; are the vines grasping you or are you grasping the vines?

I agree with the other posters about the clarity. It may be too abstract, or perhaps it has specific meaning to you personally than the public at large? I do think you have a keen mind by the way you write but would like to see something that doesn't require so much thought about what was just read....

Regards,

Joe

@ Laurie

Ugh...I've been bested at The Poetry! I wish I would have thought of your edits. I hesitated in the addition of mysterious. The "seemingly" had to go, but I hadn't yet decided the best way to make a distiction between "blackest night" and "shadow". Mysterious implies the shadow is unknown, shifting my theme a tad bit from where I want it to be. I will do something there though. Thanks.

I liked your addition of "the hard kiss silently disappeared". It add some clarity and brings things together a bit.

Clarifying that the red-tailed hawk is the speaker was a good idea. I wanted the red tailed hawk to have some ambiguity, so that it could also be interpreted as the hawk (speaker) waiting to take others, or the hawk(anger) waiting to take the speaker. Both are true when it comes to anger, eh. Also, it takes away the possibility that the speaker was the one on the rocks, which is another valid interpretation.

You are right about the interpretation and you are correct those edits make the poem more coherant. Obviously the piece needs to be clear. Still, I am looking for the theme to be discovered through the elements, rather than obvious explaination. ie. the chiasmus. I will keep practicing I suppose.

Thanks for the excellent comments!

@Joe
I see what you mean. This one may take some thinking to decipher. It remains a work in progress.


P.S. If anyone was wondering, I don't have an anger problem. See, I'm not even TYPING IN ALL CAPS...SHOOT. GUESS I DO. I NEED TO GO LIE DOWN. SOMEONE CALL A THERAPIST.

Flapjack, glad that I could be of some help. With practice you'll find the balance. Abstract along with the concrete. Entwining. Truly a pleasue to read your work. A welcomed challenge. I will be on the look out for you! Good stuff! Laurie

O. I like this. Love --> losing control of emotions --> murder, am I right?

Thanks Trides. Your depiction is definitely one way to look at it. The "love" in the piece (the caressing shadow and the kiss) is more of a reflection of how releasing anger can relieve stress, relax oneself, and provide an almost eurphoric feeling. That is not to say I am trying to portray anger in a positive light. Still, there are some positive feelings that can come from it. These feelings can reinforce a person to continue to let their temper run uncontrolled.

Dead on about losing control of emotions and the murder. Could be taken as a metaphoric murder, as in anger destroys, or in a more literal way. As is usually true of poetry, there is no one right answer here.

The stanza breaks here are meant to identify 4 seperate phases of anger. You have a buildup, moment of giving in, releasing the anger, and finally the calm after the storm. That said, I liked how Laurie divided the stanzas. I'm not sure which is closer to my original vision. Either way, you can see the shifting emotions. I kept the murder chiasmus with the third stanza because most people who lose control do not find calm immediately after a heinous action. It usually requires some cooling down, so to speak.

Like I said ealier, my goal was the experience. I wasn't trying too hard to hit on major themes. Risk of losing control and the dangers of holding anger in to resurface later are in there, but my real goal here was to showcase how I see delayed anger is experienced.

Thanks again all for the great comments.

I'm late to the party, so I'm privy to the skinny. Initially, as is my habit, I took it literally and thought murder as Trides did. Your narrator being the victim and the hawk being the perpetrator. Grain of salt, Flapjack, I'm biased as I off people all the time in pieces and I just can't get my mind out of the gutter. I liked that you used red tailed, very appropriate. With your explanation, the piece works well as you intended. The progression is well done and that final line is delicious in its foreboding, lovely. I see you've taken most of Laurie's suggestions, which was wise, but I am glad you retained deepening, it adds to the escalation. I do agree with her that seemingly should go, it's unnecessary and too bulky. I adore that you've used nature as its beauty contrasts wonderfully with what's actually transpiring. Unfortunately, unlike you, I am probably one of the angriest people you'll ever encounter, but with good reason, I assure you. I recently wrote a piece about anger (should you like to take a gander it's located here: http://www.writingforums.com/poetry/...-real-bad.html) but I must say I prefer your approach over my own. I can relate to this piece on many levels, nicely done, hon.

Best,
Lisa

@Lisa, I Love "Somebody's Gonna Get Hurt Real Bad". I see you are dealing with some of the same emotions I did and occasionally still do deal with. (Perhaps more so, I don't know your situation so please forgive any offense). I'm glad you liked the use of nature. I first chose it for the contrast and then realized the implications of the uncontrolled essence of nature. It is a perfect medium to showcase the "rushing river" as well as the tenuous serenity afterwards.

I have updated the poem for the last time. I have changed it significantly from what it was before. I took some of Lauries advice and did my best to fulfill what I originally wanted. I hope I have added some clarity while still allowing for broad interpretation. This is an emotion that it is safe to say can be expressed in various ways. The slight ambiguity serves that, to my mind. My breaks and punctuation have a purpose. I may have done a poor job of using them, but I did so with a plan.]

Anyway, thanks again everyone for all the great comments. On to the next piece.

Love the edit.