Thread: You Are Just Another Person

You turn the corner and disappear,
and I watch you leave in disgust - yes, disgust!
Grand and popular, and witty you are, no doubt.
Perhaps you think you are better than me with all
those people smiling around you as I stand
alone, mute, and rooted in the ground like some wretched boulder.
That may be so.
But to me, you are just another person,
just another person I cannot control,
another person I cannot be.

This made me think back to my HS days when I get envious of a classmate because he seems so cooler than me. Come to think of it, this reminds me of that song by Mike Posner.

Mike Posner - Cooler Than Me - YouTube

Some more things I want to note:

Grand and popular, and witty you are, no doubt.

I'd ditch this one. The word sort of disrupts of with rhythm of the poem. Tried reading it aloud, but no, I can't really reconcile it.

those people smiling around you as I stand
alone, mute, and rooted in the ground like some wretched boulder.

Notice the string of words in bold? I would've preferred them be given another line. It gives more power to them, which I think they deserve. Notice what happens:

those people smiling around you as I stand
alone, mute, rooted in the ground
like some wretched boulder.

See that? It looks more fluid, and more sincere, more vulnerable, even if by just a bit.

Oh, and I deleted the word "and" before "rooted in the ground."

just another person I cannot control,
another person I cannot be.

Now this is what you call a powerful ending. I felt like all that anger, and angst, all of it culminated here, in a sort of anti-climax. Very resonating, this ending. I like it.

In all, a very good read.

Well done. You've captured envy.

@TheFuhrer02: Thank you! I considered your suggestions and decided not to implement them because I don't think fluidity works with this poem--I want it to flow, or rather not flow, as if the narrator were bawling/screeching/bellowing it instead of reciting or singing.
@kennyc: Thanks!

I didn't feel envy in this, more hurt, anger and bitterness. The word disgust is a powerful one to use.

The word disgust is a powerful one to use.

... It is? Well, I guess so. Actually, I tried to make it seem forced by adding "yes, disgust!" at the end...

I find it hilarious that no one has correctly identified the emotion this poem was originally intended to express

I found this piece to be completely sarcastic. I didn't feel anger, angst, envy, etc. I felt more that you were laughing at or making fun of this other person. The "disgust" repetition was my first indication. But I may be completely wrong, as it seems everyone else has been. However, if the majority of readers aren't getting your point, that shows a lack of something on your part. I have this problem often myself, as I am a huge fan of ambiguity.

As for the piece as a whole, I didn't really find anything particularly unique about it. If sarcasm was your intent, then that certainly helps spice it up a little. But otherwise, there isn't any strong imagery or devices, etc. You were telling more than showing.

But I do feel that directness can be a real strength in a poem. It just depends on how you use it. This is an idea that I believe many can relate to. I've seen your other poems (will probably leave you some feedback), and I can tell you are a good writer. So I think there's a lot more that you can do with this piece than what you have here. My advice is go back and edit it. I was never a fan of editing my own poetry back in the day, but I recently decided to edit one of my pieces, and it completely transformed into something much better than it was before. I feel you can do the same thing here.

Cheers! Keep writing!

I didn't mean to be sarcastic at all, actually... interesting that you thought of that. I didn't convey what I meant very well partly because it changed as I was writing it and partly because it wasn't clear in the first place. It was supposed to be rather prose-y, as if the narrator were actually speaking, so no, there isn't much imagery. I may edit it... but I like this piece and I do want to keep it the way it is, if only for the sake of what inspired it.

Thank you for your critique, Angel! And please do leave feedback on the other poems, because you can never get enough feedback.

I'll have to go back and read it again and see if I can catch what you were trying to get across then.

And I can understand not wanting to edit. The piece I edited recently was very personal to me. I had no intention of touching it. But when I did, it made it more special. So I stand by what I said and definitely recommend editing.

You probably know better than I do about the editing, but I'll only edit when I get a very clear idea of how. So there.
As for the theme/emotion/motif... it's been modified and blurred too much and buried underneath everything... I highly doubt anyone can guess it

As for the theme/emotion/motif... it's been modified and blurred too much and buried underneath everything... I highly doubt anyone can guess it

The question you have to ask yourself is - do you want readers to guess the theme/emotion. If you aren't bothered and are happy to leave it to interpretation then no need to edit. If you do want the them to be understood, maybe by revealing what it is we can help you achieve it.

Oh, I'm quite happy to leave it to interpretation! It doesn't need to be understood any particular way. The important thing is that people actually feel something if they read it.