Thread: Along the Midnight Trail (finished product)

Just another day gone...
a stone skipped,
a ladle dipped:
departed

Up to the ways forlorn
in a path I would nary take,
if it were not to find what lay
beyond.

No divergent roads to take,
but straight in,
and straight out.

Into ash
into life
for in twilight and midnight there is no death:
no, only an illusion of a definition;
of a word.
For one had said once long ago
ashen ash brings to light of life.

and brings to why here I tread...
for I know greater lights lie ahead
in a un-diaphanous lining beyond; where city
lights are grayed from the site.

For this lone reason,
up this trail I went
with only a whisper.

follow me, salvation.

and this, sometime beyond
this ashen broken road in the midnight trail,
I shall find a new day.

A day,
where a stone shall skip
and a ladle will dip...
a day in Gloria beyond.

Hallelujah!

Uhm, can I first ask a question? Was the word "trial" in the title intentional? Or was it supposed to be "trail?"

Originally Posted by TheFuhrer02

Uhm, can I first ask a question? Was the word "trial" in the title intentional? Or was it supposed to be "trail?"

Computer spazzed out on the typing there. Was about to fix it, but the internet suddenly went down >.>

^ Oh, I see. Well, now that I've got that curiosity of mine answered, here are my thoughts with this piece.

I see a dark piece of one who's struggling to find escape, perhaps one who suddenly took the high road in order to achieve that happiness. I sincerely felt the writer seeking for freedom, or for a release. Perhaps, even redemption.

Or, is the writer longing for death? Was he looking forward to it? If so, then much better. The man who isn't afraid to die has already found himself that he has done his best in his time here. That's freedom.

Wow, you invoked such a brainstorming in me.

Some other things I noticed:

Just another day gone...
a stone skipped,
a ladle dipped:
departed

I don't know 'bout you, but I think the word "Just" in the beginning of the first line disrupts the flow a bit. Tried reading it aloud, but I can't reconcile it. What if you omit it? Check this out:

Another day gone...
a stone skipped,
a ladle dipped:
departed

Notice that? It sounds more fluid.

Into ash
into life
for in twilight and midnight there is no death:
no, only an illusion of a definition;
of a word.

I would've preferred the line in bold to be given on a separate line, like so:

Into ash
into life
for in twilight and midnight
there is no death:
no, only an illusion of a definition;
of a word.

and brings to why here I tread...
for I know greater lights lie ahead

I love these lines. The flow is smooth, and it provided a very easy transition from the dark part of the poem to the lighter, more redemptive one.

A day,
where a stone shall skip
and a ladle will dip...
a day in Gloria beyond.

Now this is a great ender. A sort of addressing of the first stanza, somehow saying that there will be a solution to the problem. Some sort of closure, if you will.

As for the Hallelujah in the end... I'm not so much jumping up and down about it, because I think the stanza before it is already a very great ending, but it somehow works, so I guess no problem in that. (I still prefer not having the "Hallelujah" in the end though, if I had to choose. )

Overall, a very solemn, and to some extent, a very "freeing" poem. And a very good way for me to start my day. Thanks for this one. ^_^

I've fixed your title, Beary, too pooped to properly crit, but I'll return with a less tired mind.

Best,
Lisa

Originally Posted by ChestersDaughter

I've fixed your title, Beary, too pooped to properly crit, but I'll return with a less tired mind.

Best,
Lisa

alright, thank you.