Thread: Melancholy

Soft with wilted bristles
and brimming
liquid eyes that wet my fingers;
the delicate bones
shy under
drooping skin.

It feels fragile and thin.

It smells of withered roses,
an empty wake house; wreaths and incense.
It whispers aching sighs
of words that make no sense.
Its gentle sweetness sours
on my tongue and leaves me thirsty
with its salty aftertaste.

It feels of waste, and ragged regret.

But I don’t want to let go of it
yet. I hold it in my afterthoughts;
it will love me in death. I let it go.
It slips into the solitude
of silent shadows. In the chill
of veined marble
it will wait.

Told you I had you in my sights. Again, fantastic use of sound, I'm practically drooling. Concept ain't too shabby either, actually, I've never read such an apt description. The second stanza is simply to die for. Extremely well done, Saucerful.

Best,
Lisa

"A Saucerful of Secrets" In love with your user name! Easier for me to make comments alongside your piece.

Soft with wilted bristles A great juxtaposition! What a way to begin a poem.
and brimming
liquid eyes that wet my fingers; Unique. Usually it works the other way around. Like.
the delicate bones
shy under
drooping skin,
fragile.

It feels fragile and thin. I think this runs rather redundant in relationship to above stanza. Just my take.

It smells of withered roses, So many don't take advantage of scent in verse. It's so powerful, bringing the reader right in.
an empty wake house; wreaths and incense. "An empty wake house". Good. You leave this up to my imagination. I see cobwebs and dust.
It whispers aching sighs
of words that make no sense.
Its gentle sweetness sours Suburb use of "Antithesis" A parallel arrangements of words. And you have an Alliteration using "salty' at end.
on my tongue and leaves me thirsty
with its salty aftertaste.

It feels of waste, and ragged regret. I would eliminate "and".

But I don’t want to let go of it
yet. I hold it in my afterthoughts;
it will love me in death. I let it go.
It slips into the solitude Now, here, you have a great "Alliteration" going on.
of silent shadows. In the chill "In the chill of...." I would break that up into the last stanza because it's powerful.
of veined marble
it will wait.

A delightful read. Bring us more of your talent! Laurie

Wow! That was really great.

"But I don’t want to let go of it
yet. I hold it in my afterthoughts;"

Wonderful, I take great comfort from this line.

Melancholy indeed. This piece is a very clear description of that emotion. Very well done.

and brimming
liquid eyes that wet my fingers;

You painted a very vulnerable picture here. Brilliant.

Its gentle sweetness sours
on my tongue and leaves me thirsty
with its salty aftertaste.

Now this is what you call wordplay.

...with its salty aftertaste.

It feels of waste, and ragged regret.

See how the second line catches on with the last line of the previous stanza with its inside rhymes (or whatever you call it... I forgot)? Nice!

It slips into the solitude
of silent shadows.

The alliteration made in this string of words was just captivating.

Overall, a very spot-on piece.

Thanks so much for the feedback Lisa, it is very much appreciated. It was an exercise in using abstract words: imagining if the word was inside a box and you put your hand in; what does it feel like, what does it smell of etc. I found it really useful, now if I can only write a poem about something happy!

Kindest regards,

Saucerful

Thank you Revious One,

your feedback is much appreciated.

Kindest regards,

Saucerful

Thank you for taking the time to read my poem The Fuhrer,

I hope to get reading the work of everybody who has replied to me, today if possible.

Kindest regards,

Saucerful

Hi SilverMoon,

glad you love my name; yours reminds me of a poem by Ted Hughes, The Full Moon and Frieda (I think that's the title), lovely poem. I agree the line 'it feels fragile and thin' is redundant but think it still needs something more after the first stanza; to finish the last sentence with just the word 'fragile' doesn't seem to flow well enough for me. Your feedback has been really helpful SilverMoon and I take on board all your comments. When I get the time I will tweak it and repost it.

Thank you so much for your encouragement, I can only hope, as a bit of a novice, that you find my feedback equally helpful.

Kindest regards,

Saucerful

"I let it go" Absolutely perfect line. I hated it and then I immediately loved it.

You are very talented. I cannot write poetry anywhere near this level. Still, I hate posting without saying something constructive.

"an empty wake house; wreaths and incense." I had trouble associating this image with the theme. It expresses the duality of emotion but not as well as the rest of the piece. That could be because of the license you give the reader to decide its meaning. I think it is a good line in an excellent poem.

I'm new to this forum so I haven't read much of your writing but I look forward to it!

Hi Flapjack and welcome,

i'm relatively new here too, but have found it very encouraging and constructive. Thanks so much for your feedback, and the fact you've made me blush!

I actually really liked that line I came up with but I suppose everybody is different which is no bad thing Flapjack (I quite like that name!).

Kindest regards,

Saucerful

It smells of withered roses,
an empty wake house; wreaths and incense.
It whispers aching sighs
of words that make no sense.

Such an interesting set of images- I like the way you endow 'it' with such qualities, makes me think of a death and the confusion it has left behind, if that makes sense?

Personally I think that the last stanza is not as strong as the others- they are full of complex smell, sight and analogy, I feel that the last one is pressing home a point that you have made so fantastically already. Still, that's just my preference and I think you've created another gem here.

now if I can only write a poem about something happy!

Just have to interject here. I don't do happy or pretty (read my signature). I've tried to write about gardens and snow capped mountains but I always fall short or utterly fail. I write in the Confessional genre or lay out the dark side of The Nature of the Human Condition. Sounds trite but write what you know. I've stopped pressuring myself to write "happy" a long time ago. So take it easy on yourself in this regard. Just write YOU!

I really like the image in the first verse, it's very strong and vivid and I also liked the "fragile and thin" I kind of wanted to hold onto that picture rather than move onto different ones but that's just me. I also wondered if there was a way of slowing down the letting go after having said you don't want to let it go. Seemed a bit quick. Maybe a new verse.

Originally Posted by shadows

I also wondered if there was a way of slowing down the letting go after having said you don't want to let it go. Seemed a bit quick.

I think that was the point shadows. The release of the melencoloy is not being portrayed as a soft smooth transition. The brevity of the line sets it apart from the rest, as if its signaling an abrupt change. When the speaker decides to "let it go" the feeling of losing the souring sweetness is a bright light turned on in the dark. The light may be good but it is still harsh.