Thread: Diving Out of a Hotel Window in Madrid

They said your footprints
were still on the windowsill
when the authorities showed up

I wonder how long my hand prints will remain

as I lean out and see the last thing you ever saw
speed towards you
like that camera trick they use where the background speeds forward
but the person stands still

I feel you in my nose here
all that remains of you is
a scent of yellowed dime-store novel pages
and I can't help but agree
when scientists say that
our sense of smell is the one most closely tied
to our memories.

They always said you had an old soul

but I know better

You lived with the clarity of a newborn's eyes.

This is a really moving piece. The reflection in a place of death juxtaposes beautifully with the life that the speaker is forcefully surrounded by. And I really, really love the ending.

That being said, some of the descriptions are too wordy. If you compare "a scent of yellowed dime-store novel pages" which is economized and provides great imagery with "and I can't help but agree/when scientists say that/our sense of smell is the one most closely tied/to our memories." or "like that camera trick they use where the background speeds forward/but the person stands still" I think the difference is clear. I would suggest finding a way to better describe those sensations and phenomena.

One last thing; maybe some punctuation? I think this kind of narrative piece needs it.

I appreciate you taking the time for the thoughtful comment.

I was using the longer, less-economized lines as a way to switch back and forth from just pure emotions (I feel you in my nose here) and the conversational mind (like that camera trick they use where the background speeds forward/but the person stands still) as a sort of contrast between how in traumatic situations, we are often confused somewhere between raw feelings/sensual experiences, and trying to think logically and unemotionally about what we are going through.

Your critique and comment means quite a bit to me.

This, I like. You painted a clear picture in my mind's eye. A few suggestions, drop is down to the following line in "all that remains of you is" and the cap in You in the final line is distracting. I would break those two long lines in S2 into two. Also, the use of two periods with no other punctuation is inconsistent, the rule is usually all or none, so I'd remove them. Love the last line, the handprint/footprint comparison and your use of scent. Scent is so neglected in pieces and something I rely upon heavily in the day to day. Very moving effort.

Best,
Lisa

It was nice of you to comment, Lisa. The last "you" is capitalized in order to appear as a proper noun, to bring the piece to a kind of head at the end by using "you" as a name, without saying an actual name, if that makes sense.

Well done! One little nit.

"I feel you in my nose here
all that remains of you is
a scent ...'

Here, I clearly got it. Then you write.

"..scientists say that
our sense of smell is the one most closely tied
to our memories."

I would say redundant. You "showed" with the first and fine enough. You told in the above. Always show don't tell unless you're quoting in a poem.

Looking forward to reading more.

Right, SilverMoon. I was keeping it conversational at parts, alternating between abstract emotion/senses and a quoting of the logical internal soliloquy.

"Show me, don't tell me."

On the other hand, part of knowing the rules is being able to break them sometimes, correct? It means quite a bit that you took the time to read and offer your thoughts.

Originally Posted by ramatheson

They said your footprints Your footprints,
were still on the windowsill Still on the window sill,
when the authorities showed up When authorities showed.

I wonder how long my hand prints will remain I like this line but add a ?

as I lean out and see the last thing you ever saw I leaned out seeing the last thing,
speed towards you speed towards me.
like that camera trick they use where the background speeds forward It was like a camera tick,
but the person stands still the background speeds forward,
as the person stands still.
I feel you in my nose here I feel you in my nose.
all that remains of you is all that remains of me is,
a scent of yellowed dime-store novel pages scent of yellowed-dimed novel pages
and I can't help but agree I can't help but agree
when scientists say that Scientists say that,
our sense of smell is the one most closely tied sense of smell is closley tied
to our memories. to memories!

They always said you had an old soul I was told I had a soul.

but I know better I know better
I lived with clarity,
a newborn's eyes.
You lived with the clarity of a newborn's eyes.

I'm just going to a little tweeking on what I think might help it flow smother..
I was confusing me going from 'I' to 'You'

I think the meaning and impact completely changes that way.

The time you took to read was appreciated.

okay just idea's

Right. It was nice of you to take the time to offer them.