Thread: scribblescrabble... (edited as free verse)

Don't know where to post this. Not even sure what type of writing it is. Not necessary for feedback unless anyone is so inclined (I'm open to comments). Just had to get it out of me...

Edit one:

Twin Towers

Brothers standing straight and tall
architectural twins.
You go, I go.
Safe haven for workers.
Concourse, food source.
Elevator banks, commercial banks.
Ledger columns, steel columns.
Transportation hub, VIP club.
Train service, Secret Service.
Food court, Court of law.
Court of public opinion,
innocent until proven guilty.
Observation deck, stacked deck.

Windows on the world;
broken windows on the world.
Clear blue sky
red and black sky.
Staircase run.
Nowhere to run.
Stairway to heaven.
Stairway to hell.
'93 bombing.
Flight 93.
Twisted steel.
Twisted words.
Choking smoke.
No joke.
White flag.
Fireman. Fire man.
Man on fire.
Too hot.
Falling falling falling...
steal my heart;
steel my heart.

Ten years later,
still falling…



Original posted as prose poetry:


Twin Towers
Brothers standing tall and straight. Architectural twins. You go. I go. Safe haven for workers. Concourse. Food source. Elevator banks. Commercial banks. Ledger columns. Steel columns. Transportation hub. VIP club. Train service. Secret Service. Food court. Court of law. Court of public opinion. Innocent until proven guilty. Observation deck. Stacked deck. Windows on the world. Broken windows on the world. Clear blue sky. Red and black sky. Twin Tower staircase run. Nowhere to run. Stairway to heaven. Stairway to hell. 93 bombing. Flight 93. Twisted steel. Twisted words. Choking smoke. No joke. White flag. Fireman. Fire man. Man on fire. Too hot. Falling. Falling. Falling. Steal my heart. Steel my heart. Ten years later, still falling…

I think this would be more effective if you arranged the structure differently. More like a poem with stanza's. As it is, it's harder to feel the 'punch' behind some of your lines, as there is no pause, it's just hit after hit. Though that in itself is an effect. Personally, I like a few pauses to let things hit me.

Welcome to the forums, Joe, and thank you very much for sharing this. I also hail from Queens and actually saw the second tower buckle from the corner of my block as I could see the skyline from there. I have never been so horrified in my life, one moment there with billowing black smoke, the next moment gone, with only a huge cloud of smoke remaining. All I could think was "Oh my God, all those people." and then I started to cry. I agree with Cindy, your phrasing is too brief to be actual prose, but broken down into stanzas it would work wonderfully as an impactful piece of free verse. Should you desire to go that route and require assistance, please just let us know. I can break it for you it you'd like and move it to the main board. Your piece, your decision. As to the title, not scribble scrabble at all, it's honest, clever and highly effective. A poetic gut punch. Again, welcome to the forums, I look forward to your future offerings.

Best,
Lisa

Edit: I debated over whether to ask this, but I can't help myself, were you there?

Gumby & Lisa,
Thank you for the comments. They are welcome. My problem is that I don’t have any formal background at all in writing. What little I learned so many years ago is forgotten. I think I used to know the difference between a poem and a haiku. I think I knew about structure and stanzas. But it’s almost as if I never learned about them to begin with. I recently read a book titled “Bird by Bird” by Anne Lamott. I really enjoyed it as an overall picture of a fiction writers life, although I personally have an affinity for non-fiction.
Is there a basic primer book that either of you could recommend that might be helpful? Or does such information exist on this site? If what I wrote is free verse, then I think I would like to find out more about what makes good free verse. I agree that it would have been better if I knew how to structure it and make it more fluid. But I have no idea what I’m doing. On the other hand, it might be to my advantage to have not been formally instructed in writing because I don’t have any rules and maybe interesting things could come from that. I don’t know. I think that both observations can be true. This would have been a better piece if were structured properly. Again, on the other hand, if I had to concern myself with structure and rules, I might not get to connect with the raw emotion.
So, I guess that I want people to be interested in, and to enjoy what I write. Could either of you recommend a basic classic book on writing free verse? Any direction in that area would be welcome.
Lisa, yes I was there that day. It’s a complicated story. I arrived just after the 2nd tower collapsed. I was there when 7 WTC collapsed. I was assigned to the morgue for 8 months to assist in identifying the remains of firefighters. It was incredibly difficult duty. 4 of the 5 firefighters from my old firehouse didn’t make it out that day. As I said in my introduction ( http://www.writingforums.com/introduce-yourself/120854-hello-all.html ) I wrote a sort of memoir about it but felt it was too graphic for publication. I am hoping to include it in a larger story sometime. That is a big part of why I came to be here.
Regards,
J.
P.S. Lisa, which thread is the main board? Would that have been the place to post it? I wasn’t sure where to post it… Thanks again,
J.

I did just find one article on free verse on this site... I might (definitely) need something a little more in depth... J.

I truly appreciate your allowing me to lend a hand on this one, Joe. Even written as prose, I was moved beyond measure by this piece. It is impactful, honest and very original in its cleverness. As a fellow Queens denizen, I cannot thank you enough for sharing this one. I had a friend who worked for an attorney and was supposed to be dropping off paperwork there that morning, but a hectic morning with her sons had her running late. She was actually en route to Tower One when disaster struck. Never again did she scold those three boys in the morning because without them... Very topical in light of recent events.

Best,
Lisa

Lisa,

It's just beautiful the way you have given it form and life. You know how grateful I am for your help editing and structuring this from our PM's together. I am forever grateful. Looking at it, I think this might be worthy of trying to get published somewhere...

Thank you,

Joe

Wiki on Free Verse
Free verse - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Two examples of Free Verse poems. Like Cindy, I prefer that a Free Verse poem be broken up into stanzas. Though these are written by children they happen to read smoothly for me without stanzas.
http://www.edu.pe.ca/stjean/playing%20with%20poetry/hickey/freeexamples.htm

I see your piece as being SOC (Stream of Consciousness) more than Free Verse where impressions just run down the page without punctuation.
http://contemporarylit.about.com/cs/literaryterms/g/stream.htm

I've written verse in SOC genre and found it to be a very "freeing" experience.

This would have been a better piece if were structured properly. Again, on the other hand, if I had to concern myself with structure and rules, I might not get to connect with the raw emotion.

There you go! SOC. In this case, I differ from Cindy. I think stanzas would break up the flow of abounding images as I do believe this is SOC material. It struck me viscerally.

About 911. I live on Long Island so it was very close to home for me as well. I saw both buildings go down on the tube. I was crying as my girlfriend from next door came running in. We just sat on my couch. Emotions running the gammut from A-Z.

I was assigned to the morgue for 8 months to assist in identifying the remains of firefighters. It was incredibly difficult duty. 4 of the 5 firefighters from my old firehouse didn’t make it out that day. As I said in my introduction ( http://www.writingforums.com/introduce-yourself/120854-hello-all.html ) I wrote a sort of memoir about it but felt it was too graphic for publication. I am hoping to include it in a larger story sometime. That is a big part of why I came to be here.

You're one of our brave soldiers and you have my respect, evermore, beginning the writing.

I wrote a sort of memoir about it but felt it was too graphic for publication. I am hoping to include it in a larger story sometime. That is a big part of why I came to be here

I've begun a memoir about my life (which was like a war zone). I got to the point where some of the material was too graphic for me and I had to set it aside. I would suggest go slowly with this. Sorry. Don't mean to shrink. It's just that I've been there in my own way.

When I first became a member, I posted an excerpt from my memoir in Non-Fiction. Boy, that was not the place to post it. Even though your material is not fiction, I would post it in Fiction with a prelude explaining that it is memoir. I've seen this done successfully here with excellent feedback.

And Joe, you posted in the right place! Promise to come back. You've got a fine talent. And, again, I applaud your bravery. Laurie

Laurie,

Thank you for taking the time to comment and supply links (I looked at all of them). I agree that the piece is more “stream of consciousness” as you suggest since I have no background or knowledge of poem structure.

I also, get the sense of being “overwhelmed” when writing about something emotional, especially like 9/11. I have plenty to write about so what else could it be besides some sort of anxiety? It is unfortunate because this overwhelming feeling is interfering with an important story being told. If I never get to write and publish a “book size” version of my manuscript, at least the manuscript will remain to immortalize the most important aspects of the recovery effort.

So, I think I am also struggling because of the fact that I don’t know if it would be appropriate to write about the recovery effort in all of its naked truth. It may be hurtful to living family members, friends and/or co-workers. On the other hand, to fictionalize (I don’t mean about your suggestion to post in fiction – I think that might be a good idea) an historic event like this doesn’t sit well with me either. So that is my dilemma.

And finally, is all of this banter just procrastination? I’ve asked myself this question and after reflection I feel no, this is about legitimate concerns. So I am still trying to find answers so that I can make myself comfortable about the question of appropriateness.

Thank you for your comments and time,

Joe

Hi, Joe

I also, get the sense of being “overwhelmed” when writing about something emotional, especially like 9/11. I have plenty to write about so what else could it be besides some sort of anxiety?

Of course you have cause to feel overwhelmed. I think there would be something a bit off with you if you were not. I'm sure you know of plenty fellow soldiers who developed PTSD due to the horrific. I don't know if you are among the group. Writing my memoir was difficult at times because I suffer from PTSD for other reasons. Childhood atrocities. Funny. Much of the time I enjoyed the "crafting" - using creative license which is ligit when writing memoir.

Procrastination? No, I think not. You are in the "self examination" process before tackling the dragon.

If you ever want to talk feel free to PM me. Laurie

Laurie,

I have experience with horrors in other areas of my life also... maybe we all do, but some of us choose to acknowledge it... complicated stuff...

Joe

or maybe we "need" to acknowedge it...

Joe