Thread: The Lion

He roams the house,
a hungry lion stalking;
moving slowly,
and deliberately;
waiting for an opening.

We do our best to deaden
our quickened hearts.
We hide in the tall grass of fear,
and make frozen masks of our faces.
We move about,
skittish and nervous,
avoiding his ravenous gaze
which burns intensely
through the blue haze
of a Pall Mall.

He moves on you slowly
asking a simple question or two;
but you know he is inching,
inching towards the moment
when he will explode;
in a great roar,
and he will bound upon you,
and kill you.
He will leave you for the hyenas,
and wild dogs.

He is long dead.
I have grown old myself.
I see the arc of my life and know,
the cruel, insatiable lion,
the one I feared,
the one I hated,
still hunts
among the shadows
within me.


--thought I'd try one more of these before experimenting with different topics and styles.

Another exceptional piece, Peter. Please do branch out and explore, but please don't stop writing these, you've quite a knack for this particular style. I do believe the wondering I was doing in At His Deathbed has now been put to rest. This is excellent and yet again you evoke a multitude of emotions. I think it best I don't tackle discussing your lion at the moment, my tongue is too loose. Three suggestions, remove the asterisk at the beginning, and see if you can eliminate one or two of those ands in S3, they are a bit much. You could probably lose them all save for the last one between hyenas and wild dogs. Lastly, I would break "and the memories of those years have faded", after memories and give "of those years have faded." a line of its own purely for the sake of visual alignment, it's sticking out a bit as is. Again, excellent work.

Best,
Lisa

I see this one is closely related to the one Lisa mentioned above. You do have a knack for these, unfortunately it has come at a price, I suspect.

I like the suggestions Lisa gave. It could use a bit of a trim here and there to tighten it up. I think that the first line should go, even though I like it, it takes a bit of the suspense away and tells you exactly what's happening too soon. These are only my personal thoughts, others are sure to see it differently.
Much enjoyed, Peter.

Lisa and Gumby,
Gratitude. Great way you both have of encouraging and critiquing. Reading other pieces in the forum and following the feedback has helped me deepen my understanding of the craft.
pete

My suggestions are the same as Lisa. But just wanted to say, my heart goes out to you. The emotions run deep, and I felt an ache when I read the poem.

I work with families and unfortunately the story in your poem is all too real, and much too common - your piece makes the terror of living in that situation vivid for those who haven't

I agree with the suggestions above - would like some suspense building and then a revelation in the middle to end of the metaphor's meaning

---todd

Thanks todd. I'll let your suggestion cook and see what turns up.
pete

Not common for me. Not common at all.