Thread: A Mother Speaks

I have watched him grow.
seen him on unsteady legs,
Gurgling, drooling,
Innocent eyes gazing up at me.
I have witnessed nasty falls,
Nursed injuries, Kissed
His bruises.


I have woken up in the middle of the night,
Quietening him, lulling him back to sleep.
I was a doctor at night,
a teacher at home,
and his friend when he came home from school
in tears, recounting how he got bullied.
When he cried, my heart wept.
When he laughed, my heart knew joy.


When he had an accident, I stayed up at the hospital
For five days
Knowing no peace, unable to eat.
Once he plucked a rose from our garden;
With eyes mischievous but with love
he gifted my flower to me.
I smile at the memory,
But recalling what he was brings tears to my eyes.
Now he has grown up, and I'm the one in the hospital.
But there is no rose beside me,
Neither did he visit, nor give a call.
I suffer, not from the pain without,
But from the pain within.
I forgive.
I hope.
I wait.
I wait.

Very evocative, and as a mother myself I can empathise with a lot of this poem. Such a sad ending but I love the simple statements that finish the final stanza.

'I suffer, not from the pain without,
But from the pain within'

I think that this is beautiful, so few words say so much.

My only nitpicks would be that some of the line breaks in the first two stanzas are a bit offputting, for want of a better word- for instance;

I have woken up in the middle of the night,
Quietening him, lulling him back to sleep.
I was a doctor at night.
I was a teacher at home.
I was his friend -
when he came home from school
Crying, recounting how he got bullied.
When he cried, my heart wept.
When he laughed, my heart knew joy.

Just a personal preference and I hope you don't think I'm taking liberties with your words. I just think that helps keep up the great flow and power this has.

I really enjoyed this, many congratulations on a great piece.

I think the title is perfect for this piece, as a mother, I'm right there with you, feeling. The sentiment is pure mother, too. We love, we forgive, we overlook almost anything in our understanding and love.

I do think this could benefit from a rewrite of some of the lines. However, the bones of this piece are very, very good.

Just an example of what I mean here:

I have woken up in the middle of the night,
Quietening him, lulling him back
To sleep.

I have awakened in the night
to quiet him, lull him back sleep.

If you can cut some of the words, economize and condense what you want to say, it has a stronger impact. Kind of like concentrated detergent, less is more.

I truly enjoyed this cp.

Thanks a lot! Will edit it soon, a bit busy these days. The suggestions are appreciated.

And I'm glad you all could connect. I'm not even married yet, so that is a huge compliment for me.

The sentiments here are wide-ranging and potent - and the ending heartbreaking
I hope I have never made my mother feel this way, and I hope my kiddos are "there for us" later - (they are still very young)
becoming a parent bares one's heart to so many new pains - one is so vulnerable, yet also filled with new joys

As far as nuts and bolts on this piece, some of the Caps of words seemed inexplicable, such as in lines 6 & 7 and elsewhere - a bit distracting
also I agree with the above comment about economizing and condensing - you could add more potency perhaps by concentrating the reader by merging or diversifying the "I have" and "I was" portions somehow, and going back through the entire piece and being ruthless in deleting any words that are not absolutely essential, and maybe strengthening the remaining ones

all in all though, a great idea is expressed here - maybe consider easing into the revelation that the writer is in the hospital and has been day dreaming or reminiscing about years gone by - some tangible hint of the sadness felt at the end could pack a whollop (such as a tear being "born" in your eye)

all the best!
---todd

Heartfelt and as a mum I feel and sympathise with your pain, hurt and loss. As Gumby said, tightening the poem, losing some of the extraneous words will heighten the impact. You also don't need capital letters at the beginning of each line.

I have watched him grow.
I have seen him on unsteady legs,
Gurgling, drooling,
Innocent eyes gazing up at me.
I have witnessed nasty falls,
Nursed injuries, Kissed
His bruises.


I have woken up in the middle of the night,
Quietening him, lulling him back
To sleep.
I was a doctor at night.
I was a teacher at home.
I was his friend when he came home from school
Crying, recounting how he got bullied. <<maybe "in tears" to avoid the repetition of crying"
When he cried, my heart wept.
When he laughed, my heart knew joy.


When he had an accident, I stayed up with him at the hospital <<too many "when" so it kind of loses the impact"
For five days
Knowing no peace, unable to eat anything
Out of worry.
I remember once he plucked a rose from our garden; <<new verse here else it gets lost in the accident thought. No need to say "I remember"
With mischievous eyes, but eyes also filled with love <<maybe "eyes mischievous but filled with love"
He gifted my flower to me.
I smile at the memory,
But recalling what he was brings tears to my eyes.
Now he has grown up, and I'm the one in the hospital.
But there is no rose beside me,
Neither did he visit me, nor give a call.
I suffer, not from the pain without,
But from the pain within.
I forgive.
I hope.
I wait.
I wait.
I wait.<<you only need one wait, repeating doesn't increase the impact but lessnes it.

Thanks a lot, all of you. I mean it.

Will definitely have a look-over, just a few days.

Goodness, CP, my heart aches for you. In a perfect world, they should be there for us, as we were for them. But the world is far from perfect. I can only echo what's already been said regarding caps and removing the excess baggage. Tightening it up can only sharpen the impact of this already very poignant piece. I pray your wait will soon come to an end.

Best,
Lisa

Hahahahahha! Aww gosh, everyone's getting the wrong idea.

I'm not married yet, being a mother is out of the question. This poem was just the result of hurt at the society.

Thanks though, I take that as a compliment. It means the poem is so real. *grin*

Egg on my face, lol. Ah, the beauty of individual interpretation. It also works very well as you intended, and I still pray that wait is not too long. You've also successfully proven that us Moms put up with a lot more than we care to admit.

It seems our only compensation is the knowledge the we loved fully and fully have given of ourselves without reservations or expectation of return. The forgiveness, hope, and patience are fruits and components of this love. If I knew him, for you, I would give him a swift and memorable reminder.

Hahaha, you'd have to wait for a few years to give him that reminder.
Thanks for the feedback though, I'd forgotten this thing needed a bit of editing.