Thread: Grasslands

.

a lovely scene is set here, and a nocturnal beast abroad - not sure if there is metaphor of something else going on here, but you set the scene very nicely with a few well placed words

a few things, if you don't mind:

line 4 seems redundant since you already sufficiently described the "nightly sky" glowing in the first 3 lines - by the way, what is the "plate", is it the sky? if so, then saying "the plate filled the nightly sky" doesn't fit in my mind, but that may just be me

spelling in line 7: I think you mean "beehive" and "branches"

"grass lands" is normally one word, unless you intended to split the compound word up for a reason

"a razor sharp teeth beast" sounds delightfully childlike, not sure if you intended that but it is charming : )

are "tangerine pines" real? not that it matters, just wondering

Finally, I'm unclear on what "it" is in the last stanza - the tree, the beast? - I'm not thinking either the "roots" or the "trees" mentioned just prior, since those are plural - and "it" may be the whole point, but I missed it - maybe it's just me

---todd

I understand the grasslands are gold. I'm not sure that I am feeling the use and reuse of "gold" in this though. It seems there are other things that could be used to get the thought of gold across.

A surreal setting, one I truly find enjoyable. Rhythm was fluid, though some felt a tiny bit forced. I'll try to get to them later. Other than that, the beast was a cool turnabout to an otherwise near-cliche setting. I guess you perfectly pulled out a trick from Chandler'sLaw. Kudos to that one.

Here are some other things I noticed.

honey filled behive braches

Uhm, was this intentional? If so, what exactly did you want to say here?

honey filled...

...fruit filled peaches.

razor sharp...

Perhaps adding dashes between them? I know it isn't necessary, but I find it more fluidly read when they have dashes between them.

Till it filled
the golden
grass lands...

What, exactly, filled the grasslands?

Oh, and notice how you used present tense in the first stanza, then shifted to past tense in the middle stanzas, only to shift back to past tense towards the end? Perhaps sticking to one tense?

Other than that, this was cool, almost comic-like. The beast really hooked me in for this one.

Originally Posted by toddm

a lovely scene is set here, and a nocturnal beast abroad - not sure if there is metaphor of something else going on here, but you set the scene very nicely with a few well placed words

a few things, if you don't mind:

line 4 seems redundant since you already sufficiently described the "nightly sky" glowing in the first 3 lines - by the way, what is the "plate", is it the sky? if so, then saying "the plate filled the nightly sky" doesn't fit in my mind, but that may just be me

spelling in line 7: I think you mean "beehive" and "branches"

"grass lands" is normally one word, unless you intended to split the compound word up for a reason

"a razor sharp teeth beast" sounds delightfully childlike, not sure if you intended that but it is charming : )

are "tangerine pines" real? not that it matters, just wondering

Finally, I'm unclear on what "it" is in the last stanza - the tree, the beast? - I'm not thinking either the "roots" or the "trees" mentioned just prior, since those are plural - and "it" may be the whole point, but I missed it - maybe it's just me

---todd

Thanks for your reply: The plate refers to the moon. Most of the work here was imagination. I was just writing a quick concrete images for the class and some how it formed into a poem. So, I wanted to know what others thought.

No, there are no tangerine pines, as far as I know.

The word "root" should have been stem. The beast clawed the stems of tangerine pines.

yes I do mean: Beehive and Branches.

And "it" refers to the tangerine pines (the fruit) The beast clawed, until all the tangerine pines filled the land.

thanks,

Originally Posted by TheFuhrer02

A surreal setting, one I truly find enjoyable. Rhythm was fluid, though some felt a tiny bit forced. I'll try to get to them later. Other than that, the beast was a cool turnabout to an otherwise near-cliche setting. I guess you perfectly pulled out a trick from Chandler'sLaw. Kudos to that one.

Here are some other things I noticed.



Uhm, was this intentional? If so, what exactly did you want to say here?



Perhaps adding dashes between them? I know it isn't necessary, but I find it more fluidly read when they have dashes between them.



What, exactly, filled the grasslands?

Oh, and notice how you used present tense in the first stanza, then shifted to past tense in the middle stanzas, only to shift back to past tense towards the end? Perhaps sticking to one tense?

Other than that, this was cool, almost comic-like. The beast really hooked me in for this one.

Thank you for your reply...

I didn't know notice the tenses, thanks for letting me know.

It is actually supose to be "beehive" "branches" typo.

till "it" filled.. it refers to the tangerine pines. And the beast clawed the stems of tangerine pines.