Thread: PAIN

Did I catch a beautiful sunset?
Or a passing cloud?
Did I look into the sun and was blinded?
Or did the moon steal my gaze?

Or maybe, I caught sight of you,
As you fluttered past on silken wings,
Trailing your hurts behind you;
Leaving me no choice
But to share your load.

It hurts now when we part,
And I return to emptiness.
No more riding the currents,
Where I fly with you, mind on mind.
A part of me you always share;
A part of you I dream I do.

And ripped as I am,
I can only shed my tears,
My blinded eyes turned towards heaven
And murmur, ‘Touch me lightly for
The pain I feel now is the pain of love’.

One thousand gold stars for you, Boddaert. I have a distinct distaste for love poems and avoid them like the plague. You got past that with your title, you sly fox. I adore the honesty of this piece and the fact that your narrator is torn in two directions, now that is true love, pain, indeed. My only nit is the caps every line. Excellent effort, love, it is only very rarely that I am coaxed to reply to a love poem, but you spared me the sappy mush mash I so abhor. Well done!

Best,
Lisa

Or maybe, I caught sight of you,
As you fluttered past on silken wings,
Trailing your hurts behind you;
Leaving me no choice
But to share your load.

This is beautiful, my favorite stanza.

Wow Lisa, what can I say, you've left me speechless - thanks hardly seems adequate. And thanks to you too Gumby, it's nice to know you connected with it.

Now I'll just go and hide my blushes.

ah the sweet pain of love -

these lines are almost a small poem in themselves:

Did I catch a beautiful sunset?
Or a passing cloud?
Did I look into the sun and was blinded?
Or did the moon steal my gaze?
Or maybe, I caught sight of you,
As you fluttered past on silken wings

Then you proceed, not to extol the virtures of the beloved, but to descend into shared pain and almost self-sacrifice

This line is the only one that gave me pause:
"Did I look into the sun and was blinded"

There is some kind of grammar issue there with "was": "Did I...was blinded", doesn't quite fit -

perhaps:
"Did I look into the sun and get blinded" (better grammar, but not quite the same resonance)
"Did I look into the sun and become blinded" (maybe)

good love poem on the the whole - difficult topic to avoid sentimentality with, but you manage this fine

---todd

Thanks todd. I know what you mean when you feel 'was' gives pause, but can't think of an alternative at present.

Bittersweet is the first word that sprung to my mind when reading this, I'd just echo what everyone else has said really. Thumbs up

It hurts now when we part,
And I return to emptiness.
No more riding the currents,
Where I fly with you, mind on mind.
A part of me you always share;
A part of you I dream I do.


Enjoyed it all; but thought the first four lines of this stanza captured the thrill of being together and the longing that comes when apart.

Originally Posted by Boddaert

My blinded eyes turned towards heaven
And murmur, ‘Touch me lightly for
The pain I feel now is the pain of love’.

Loved it. Can feel the beauty, the pain. I'd describe it as beautifully sad. (So much meaning in that phrase. My heart aches.)

Thanks for all your lovely comments guys. It makes the struggle worth while.

I really enjoyed reading your poem..
It is very emotive.

Thanks hoby, glad you enjoyed it.

Originally Posted by Boddaert

Did I catch a beautiful sunset?
Or a passing cloud?
Did I look into the sun and was blinded?
Or did the moon steal my gaze? This stanza is wonderful but I'm wondering if you can cut it down to just two question marks...

Or maybe, I caught sight of you, Don't need the first comma
As you fluttered past on silken wings,
Trailing your hurts behind you;
Leaving me no choice
But to share your load. the rhythm of the enjambment here is wonderful

It hurts now when we part,
And I return to emptiness. the "and" is throwing me off
No more riding the currents,
Where I fly with you, mind on mind. first comma isn't necessary
A part of me you always share;
A part of you I dream I do. very nice

And ripped as I am, maybe get rid of the "and"
I can only shed my tears, this needs to be a semicolon or period
My blinded eyes turned towards heaven turn?
And murmur, ‘Touch me lightly for
The pain I feel now is the pain of love’. great ending!

Thanks for you insightful comments Squalid Glass. I shall certainly be editing this piece as you suggest.

I loved that, very beautiful. I do have one suggestion though; personally I think that the line "My blinded eyes turned towards heaven" would sound better as "My blinded eyes toward heaven turn".