Thread: Star Light

Star Light
Tree branches cross over the roof-
A net of intimate hands held
Waiting to catch their fallen stars.
The thin slits of open window
Behind plastic blinds, obscured
Give the illusion of air.
Underneath the hot and gauzy
spotlight of your sunny novelty-
I turned the radio to a
Smoother song, hoping it would take you
Somewhere close to sleep, my baby.
But nothing in this hospital
Cupped you into a deep slumber.
And so you laid like a rendering;
Eyes so wide, hands so very still
While I waited for us to fade
Until we were just two bodies
Sleeping in a borrowed room.
When we are home I promise I will
Flush open the blinds
Let in the bare star light.

Ah, there's nothing like a brand new babe to tug at my heartstrings. I love the gentleness of this piece as well as the sentiment. Congratulations on your new addition, Nenada. I have a few suggestions. The caps every line are distracting, it's better to use them only at the beginning of a sentence and I think breaking it into stanzas would be more beneficial than the current block style. A few of your breaks are awkward. I am taking the liberty of rearranging it just a wee bit, but please keep in mind this is only my opinion:

Tree branches cross over the roof- (I think a comma here instead of a dash)
a net of intimate hands held
waiting to catch their fallen stars.
The thin slits of open window
behind plastic blinds, obscured, (Comma after obscured or perhaps obscured behind plastic blinds)
give the illusion of air.

Underneath the hot and gauzy
spotlight of your sunny novelty- (I think a comma instead of a dash, again, your choice, though)
I turned the radio
to a smoother song (I've fiddled with the enjambment here)
hoping it would take you
somewhere close to sleep, my baby.
But nothing in this hospital
cupped you into a deep slumber.

And so you laid like a rendering;
eyes so wide, hands so very still
while I waited for us to fade
until we were just two bodies
sleeping in a borrowed room.

When we are home (comma?)
I promise I will
flush open the blinds
let in the bare star light. (perhaps to before let?)


I apologize for taking such liberty, but it was easier to show than explain in this instance. I'm not too crazy about flush as verb, but that's just me and I'm only one person. Starlight is actually one word, but I like that you have broken it in two. The imagery of the first two lines is stellar (no pun intended) and very original, I loved it. As I did, "two bodies sleeping in a borrowed room". Lovely little piece which I enjoyed. I hope this helps a bit.

Best,
Lisa

This is a lovely piece, Nenada. I like the suggestions that Lisa has made, they are good ones. I must admit though, that I didn't feel like you were speaking of a baby. I had the sense of either an adult, or an older child maybe. But that could just be the way my mind tweaked it. Truly touching piece.

A nice sweet piece, very tender and heartfelt - I also like the way you bring nature imagery into the picture


hope you don't mind some constructive feedback from me - you can take or leave it : )

"Tree branches cross over the roof" is nice; "Tree branches entwine over the roof" (or "interlace" if you want to get fancy) might be even better, and it fits well with the next line about the net

These lines are confusing to me: "But nothing in this hospital
Cupped you into a deep slumber."

Your intent is not clear to me here, or maybe I'm just missing something - maybe it is the word "cupped", perhaps "lulled" or "coaxed" might be clearer, if that is indeed your meaning

Maybe it is just me, but the Capitalized words at the beginning of lines was a little distracting - maybe try lower case unless they are at the beginning of a sentence, or perhaps at the beginning of a new phrase if you like - you did this in one spot: "hot and gauzy spotlight..."

All in all a very touching sentiment expressed here - with a few little tweaks it could pack a punch : )

best wishes
---todd

Thank you everyone for your tips and tweaks, I felt like I had the words but I just couldn't get the right form. I played and played but in the end I just couldn't get it. I'll definitely take all of your suggestions into consideration and I'll be doing some revisions tonight. Lisa, I thank you for taking the time to do that- it really reads so much better that way. Todd, I chose 'cupped' because when my son was born I remember almost cupping him in my hands and looking down at him....but the intent isn't obvious in the poem and no one was to know that, so I'll probably take your advice and edit that. Gumby, I appreciate that, perhaps I didn't give enough imagery/description of the baby. Will definitely work on that.

Thanks again everyone.

It was my pleasure, love, I'm elated you found it helpful. Just wanted to add two more of my cents, gee, now my pocket's about empty. lol. Like Cindy, I initially thought this was about a significant other, but once I got to the hospital line, I knew it was a new baby. I rather like the initial ambiguity with enlightenment mid piece, it's a nice little twist. As for cupping, liked that, too, but it might be Mom thing that the guys can't embrace. Whether or not to change it is entirely up to you. Congrats again, love.

Best,
Lisa

See? I told you it was probably just my mind tweaking it.

Ah, thank you Lisa To be honest that's what draws me to poetry again and again...everyone interprets each piece in their own way.

I have tinkered again with this one but perhaps too much. Hmmm.

Star Light

Tree branches cross over the roof-
A net of intimate hands held
Waiting to catch their fallen stars.
Such thin slits of open window
Behind plastic blinds obscured
give the illusion of air.
Underneath the hot and gauzy
spotlight of your sunny novelty,
I turned the radio to a
Smoother song-
Nothing wrong
with low melancholy notes
to sway the soul towards rest.
Is it as they say- mother knows best?

But nothing in this hospital
Cupped you into a deep slumber.
So you laid, a deeply grooved rendering;
Eyes so wide and still to the bone-
hands balled into red, two dying stars.
I waited for us to fade
until we were just two bodies
sleeping in a borrowed room.
When we are home I promise I will
flush open the blinds.
Let in the bare star light.

Love the changes, Nenada, especially the last lines of S1. Nicely done.

Best,
Lisa

I am absolutely in love with imagery and employ it in most of my work. So, here it goes. The gems I discovered...

Tree branches cross over the roof-
A net of intimate hands held

Wonderful use of the figure of speech "Anthropomorphism." The attribution of human motivation, characteristics, or behavior to inanimate objects, animals, or natural phenomena.

Example... though not limited to animals.

The attribution of human — particularly emotional or mental — characteristics to animals, or even to inanimate objects, has a long history, from Aesop's fables to fairy tales such as ‘Goldilocks and the three bears’ and on to Beatrix Potter. Pleading with one's computer or cajoling one's temperamental car can be variations on this theme. The whole animal kingdom can be anthropomorphized, with the lion as ‘King of the beasts’, or the hive as a ‘Queen’ bee running her obedient ‘workers’. The ‘politics’ of such an animal world then act as a commentary on our own, with the animal representing the ‘natural’ way of acting. Additionally, individual species — such as the ‘wily’ fox — can be given a dominant anthropomorphic character trait; this enables different valuations to be placed on each species, and on each trait, within a given social context.

Read more: http://www.answers.com/topic/anthrop...#ixzz1La7n3BlM


Wonderful! So you laid, a deeply grooved rendering;

And hands balled into red, two dying stars.

Nendada, I think you have a spectacular talent for this bent and would encourage you to relish in your honing this lively figure of speech.

Immensely enjoyed. Laurie