Thread: The Walls Are Melting

THE WALLS ARE MELTING

Trickling from the darkest corners of the ceiling.
Can you see it?
I tried to hide,
But I was caught in the undertow
Of Limbo’s waves.

I swear I can feel my vocal cords oscillating.
The sound of my voice resonates in my body,
But I can’t quite hear it
Over the ringing in my ears.
Can’t think.

Body twitching.
Heart pounding.
Head spinning.
Everything gone.

I awaken.

P.S. I love feedback :B

S1: strike "But I was", just attach "caught in the undertow" after comma in line 3.

"Limbo's wave" doesn't quite work. Maybe "caught in limbo, in undertow waves" or something would draw reader closer to that place. Limbo is a stagnant word and doesn't work so well to describe movement of waves, to me it means waves that are stationary.

S2: instead of "I swear I can feel..." I would chop it down to "I feel my vocal chords oscillating..." or even better "My vocal chords oscillate" to get rid of the passive.

Same with "The sound of..." you could trim it down to "My voice resonates in my body". There you have "oscillate" and "resonates" as internal rhyme.

I would strike "But" and just use "I can't hear..." and thereby again making a more robust statement as well as a tighter rhyme with next line.

"I awaken"....it needs a stronger finish. Maybe add something odd, interesting, or profound that you awaken to. Some realization at the end to give the reader a stronger place to rest and think it over.

Nice work

BW

Thanks for your help! I'll post a revision once it's done

Bad dream? I'd like to see a little more imagery in this one; I really think it would improve the whole thing. You start off asking if I can see it, but never really show me what it is!

Originally Posted by SvirVolgate

You start off asking if I can see it, but never really show me what it is!

This. You never even showed a glimpse of what you were seeing.

Body twitching.
Heart pounding.
Head spinning.
Everything gone.

This stanza I like very much because it shows the reader the grim possibilities of what you have seen. However, this can only work so much. It can be a great prelude, though. A stanza following this to show even just a teasing description of your nightmare would be great, in my opinion.

And another thing:

I tried to hide,
But I was caught in the undertow
Of Limbo’s waves.

I can't put my finger on the flow of the second line. It seems to me that its one syllable too much. However, striking "but" would make no sense. How about striking "under" instead? Lemme see here...

I tried to hide,
But I was caught
in the tow
of Limbo’s waves.

See that? the flow from the second line to the third was smoother. Unfortunately, "in the tow" doesn't exactly make much sense. But hey, you can find a way through this one.

Overall, a good piece.