Thread: Discarded Goldmine

Just a simple poem I wrote a few nights ago.

There's a box on the mantle
Dull gray colored, it's old and harsh.
Mom wanted to throw it out
I saw something different than what they saw.
In its emptiness
There lie a secret.
In its dull ugliness slept a giant.
And then I was kicking
Screaming, running away
Tears shed for a mystery crying to be solved.
A beautiful mystery never to be resolved.

A box of such inner beauty couldn't be thrown away
Those who cannot see the light
Always fail to see what lies beyond the darkness.

I guess it's alright.
Life's special treasure troves-
They're not so great after all.
We don't need what is unwanted
Because my feelings have no importance

She threw the box away.


Please critique!

Interesting piece - nice imagery, like a strong memory - it's late, and that may be the reason, but the underlying "meaning" escapes me - here are some observations, if you don't mind -

Originally Posted by The Blue Pencil

Just a simple poem I wrote a few nights ago. don't sell it short, it isn't so simple : )

There's a box on the mantle
Dull gray colored, it's old and harsh. leave out the "it's", sounds better
Mom wanted to throw it out
I saw something different than what they saw. who are "they"? - "she" might be better here, since you just referred to "Mom"
In its emptiness
There lie a secret. "lies"
In its dull ugliness slept a giant. you already said "dull", maybe pick a different adjective - and this is where I get off track: what is the "giant"?
And then I was kicking
Screaming, running away
Tears shed for a mystery crying to be solved. yes, solve the mystery
A beautiful mystery never to be resolved. what is it, what is the beautiful mystery?

A box of such inner beauty couldn't be thrown away
Those who cannot see the light
Always fail to see what lies beyond the darkness. the connection here between the box and light/darkness isn't clear to me

I guess it's alright.
Life's special treasure troves-
They're not so great after all.
We don't need what is unwanted
Because my feelings have no importance

She threw the box away.


Please critique!

just my thoughts, take them or leave them - anyone else have more to add?
---todd

Originally Posted by The Blue Pencil

Those who cannot see the light
Always fail to see what lies beyond the darkness.

Loved these lines.

Liked the poem, but as Todd said, you could be a little more specific.

I agree with what toddm pointed out so there is no use repeating. The ending came as a "stunner". Way to go with an ending. And true. Don't ever sell yourself short. This is a great poem! Keep them coming! Laurie

I love that this thread came to life after so long! I edited the poem and used some of your tips but for some reason I can't open the file to copy and paste.....maybe later.