Thread: Oh my sweet Eve

I lay in my bed, my eyes closed.
I see your face.
As if it was the devils joke.
Oh my sweet Eve, ever since that metal beast.
I had to live with the blonde hair devil.
Who only for my riches.
Mocking me with the devil cold dead loveless eyes.
Oh my sweet Eve, before that metal beast.
We were poor, we were young.
Our love of the purest kind.
But I, old, bitter man.
Living in fear of the blonde hair devil.
Living in fear of my riches.
For one day they may be taken from me.
As I walk the streets in darkest hour.
As the metal beasts eyes glow the brightest.
As if they know what they done.
laughing with glowing eyes.
Oh my sweet Eve, as I stand here.
looking face to face with them glowing eyes.
I know we can see face to face once more.
Oh my sweet Eve.
This is not the end, but a new beginning.

I really love the pacing of this poem. It's got such a methodical rhythm and it's chilling for sure.

I don't think the periods at the end of each line work. They are more distracting than anything. I also think that the small inserts of odd syntax like "with them glowing eyes" or "if they know what they done" works. I think if that syntactical structure was used more often, it would create a more consistent voice. As of now, it just seems confusing.

The final line... not sure. I will leave that up to others to discuss.