Thread: The first poem I ever wrote....

This poem was the first of many that I did throughout my time in high school. We got the assignment in class and about ten minutes later I brought it up to the teacher and she was appalled, "This is really good. You don't really feel that way do you?" At the time I said 'no'. Recently though in life I have been overtaken by the......

DARKNESS
I laugh
I cry
I am excited by things
I love to be alone though
There's a dark part of me
Few people know of it
Once a person knows my darkness
They get a piece of it
That is how it spreads
That is why I know few
For if I knew many
The world would die
Everyone would become my darkness
No one would have the will to live
Yet no one would want to die
That is the way of my darkness
The pit of my despair
The agony of my heart
To not want to live
Yet not have the will
Not have the guts
Not have the courage
To pull the trigger
Or drag the knife across the wrists
So, yet I live
To have a destiny
A destiny I do not care for
That is my darkness
My pain

Seeing this poem again and reiterating it really makes me remember who I am and who I have been since my younger years. I am intrigued by the strange and deep dark things that go bump in the night. Always had a fascination with the more macabre things in life. Things I have been repressing for quite some time now. Maybe now is the time to tackle the demons that lurk within me and face them head on. Alcohol has been no help when trying to put the beasts to rest. Feels good to go back and take a look at where you started. Feel free to comment. I actually got this poem published in a freelance magazine in my town, that felt good.

I hope you have found some light, after the darkness - sounds like the sort of raw emotion and struggle many teens go through, hopefully to arrive at a better place
---todd

Like todd, I hope things have gotten better.

As for the piece, it isn't bad. But it could definitely use some work. The feeling you're describing is very relatable, but the problem with that is it can easily become cliche, and I feel that is what's happening here. The concept of "darkness" has been overdone. In fact, when I was in high school (Only about two years ago) we had a book a poetry written by the students published at the end of the year. Well, many of the poems in the book were exactly like this one. So if you ever decide to go back and edit this, my advice would be to find your own unique voice. It's possible to take a cliche topic and make it uniquely yours.

I have a few more suggestions, but since this is old and you probably won't edit, I'll save them. Hope to read some recent work from you.

I totally agree with Angel101, this type of self-expressive poem has been done so often it is hard to really make it stand out - how many, teens especially, pour out their angst in tortured verse? - it may be therapeutic for them, but as for the reader who does not know them, it all starts to sound the same -

I too would like to see how your writing has progressed over the years, because there is potential demonstrated here -
---todd