Thread: Becoming A King

I was once the head, the king.
The words I said, everything
was law and none dare fight it.

I was the dealer and rolled the dice,
dictated the fates, the fall and rise
of my kingdom’s enemies
and brought them down to their knees.

Now I’m but a lost pauper
due to an ouster mastered by those
whose greed was grossly overflowing.
Their hearts were loudly clamoring
for my head to be served on a golden platter.

But how can this repudiation be?
What have I done to deserve
this great insult given to me?
I have done my best to quench
all their thirsts and requests,
and yet their hunger remained unsatisfied.

I refuse to heed their craven calls.
I shall never sell my soul to those
whose eyes can only see gold,
whose hands can only hold
pieces of silver.

And now they feast, their hearts delight
to have my suffering on their sights.
This is the price I have to pay
to keep me from becoming
a puppet on their string.

I like how you say you wouldn't give in, in the 5th stanza.

"What makes a real leader? Someone who does what's right, and not what's easy." - Robin Sharma (Not his exact words, but the essence is true)

Originally Posted by TheFuhrer02

But now I’m but a lost pauper
due to an ouster mastered by those
whose greed was grossly overflowing
their hearts were loudly clamoring
for my head to be served on a golden platter.

This didn't read right to me. Wasn't able to correct it, but somehow it didn't look right. Need help here. Anyone else?

Okay, I don't know how to multi-quote in a single post, so I'm posting again.

Originally Posted by TheFuhrer02

But how can this repulsion be?
What have I done to deserve
this great insult given to me?
I have done all my best to quench
all their thirsts and requests,
and yet their hunger remains unsatisfied.

The present tense would be better, because you proceed to defy them in the present tense in the later stanzas.

Very interesting poem. These days political pieces tend to deride elites and aristocracy in the name of correctness, relevance and satire. Royalty is rarely given a human face. I ordinarily agree with that treatment because aristocracy is an irrelevant, anachronistic, and barbaric institution. But history is packed full with examples of the intrigues and tragedies that accompany the rise and fall of kings. Collectively, they make for fascinating reading. This piece coheres nicely with that general tradition of historiographical narrative. The focus on a fallen king as the poems subject is the poem's greatest strength. Some suggestions, thoughts and other comments.

I was once the head, the king period.
the words I said, everything
was law and none dare fight it.

I was once the head, the King.
Every word of mine was law,
and no one dared to fight them.

I was the dealer and rolled the dice,
dictated the fates, the fall and rise Good rhythm.
of my kingdom’s enemies
and brought them down to their knees.

But Omit but. Now I’m but a lost pauper
due to an ouster mastered by those
whose greed was grossly overflowing Period.
Their hearts were loudly clamoring
for my head to be served on a golden platter.

But how can this repulsion be? I wonder about the choice of "repulsion". I think what you are trying to convey is repudiation, or betrayal.
What have I done to deserve
this great insult given to me?
I have done all omit "all" my best to quench
all their thirsts and requests,
and yet their hunger remained unsatisfied. Strong stanza.

I refuse to give in to their calls Weak line. If I were to rewrite it myself, it might be:

I refuse to heed their craven calls.

I shall never sell my soul to those
whose eyes can only see gold,
whose hands can only hold
pieces of silver. Cool.

And now they feast, their hearts delight comma
to have my suffering on their sights
this is the price I have to pay Excellent three lines.
to keep me from becoming
a puppet on their string. I hope you do not mind the rewrites. I feel inspired by the material you provide. I would reword the last two lines:


And now they feast, their hearts delight,
to have my sufferings on their sights.
This is the price I have to pay
to avoid the strings
of their puppet
play.

Enjoyed the read.

Originally Posted by candid petunia

Originally Posted by TheFuhrer02

But now I’m but a lost pauper
due to an ouster mastered by those
whose greed was grossly overflowing
their hearts were loudly clamoring
for my head to be served on a golden platter.

This didn't read right to me. Wasn't able to correct it, but somehow it didn't look right. Need help here. Anyone else?

Hmm... I'm not sure what to do with it. I'll try revising.

Originally Posted by candid petunia

Originally Posted by TheFuhrer02

But how can this repulsion be?
What have I done to deserve
this great insult given to me?
I have done all my best to quench
all their thirsts and requests,
and yet their hunger remains unsatisfied.

The present tense would be better, because you proceed to defy them in the present tense in the later stanzas.

Good point. I shall reconsider.

Originally Posted by Edgewise

Some suggestions, thoughts and other comments.

But Omit but. Now I’m but a lost pauper

Whoops. Sorry 'bout that. Correcting.

Originally Posted by Edgewise

But how can this repulsion be? I wonder about the choice of "repulsion". I think what you are trying to convey is repudiation, or betrayal.

Hmm... You may have a point. Perhaps "repudiation" could work better. Changing.

Originally Posted by Edgewise

I refuse to give in to their calls Weak line. If I were to rewrite it myself, it might be:

I refuse to heed their craven calls.

I am very much liking this rewording. Hope you don't mind if I use it.

Originally Posted by Edgewise

I hope you do not mind the rewrites. I feel inspired by the material you provide. I would reword the last two lines:

And now they feast, their hearts delight,
to have my sufferings on their sights.
This is the price I have to pay
to avoid the strings
of their puppet
play.

This looks very good. I shall highly reconsider this edit, and perhaps add some wordplay myself. This certainly made me wear back my thinking cap.

To the both of you, I give my sincerest thanks for your critiques. They're very much appreciated.

I can't add anything that Edge hasn't already said, he just about covered all of my thoughts on this one. I enjoyed the read, Fuhrer.