Thread: New stone

How was it that I found you?
Walking the empty beach,
the smell of youth fresh on the wind.
The sound of rock'n'roll crushing the sand.
And there you were,
alone and shining,
cradled in fine grains, glinting and winking.

Fascinated, I picked you up
and felt your freshness run through me,
as the vein of red ran through you.
Having held you so, I could no longer let you go,
felt repugnance at leaving you behind.

But after so many years, such sharing,
I've moved on; outgrown our oneness,
ready to turn over new stones,
while you lay discarded at the back of my drawer.

I liked this, nice and neat...but I feel it needs another verse between the second and third...I take it from your title you are talking about a stone...I was hoping for a shell because I have never seen a stone on the beach. Maybe you could have her/him run his fingers over it..decribe it a bit more... set it on the window sill...glitter-paint it or something...then have it discarded at the back of the drawer which I loved btw....

Just a thought....

Hi terrib

Thanks for reading my effort and I'm glad you liked it.

Our local beach is full of stones, a lot of them shot through with red and brown. It was while walking and thinking about the end of a relationship I'd had many years ago that the idea for this poem came to me.

Strangely, as I picked up a particularly nice stone and went to throw it back on the beach, the last line entered my head.

The finding of the stone - the start of a relationship: the discarding of the stone - the ending of the relationship.

So, I'll have a serious think about your suggestions and see what develops.

Once again, thanks.

Boddaert

It's a nice metaphor, works well, and I really like the ending. Heartbreaking, but so true in relationships.

This was a very cool and fresh metaphor and it leaves a lot to the imagination. I especially enjoyed the light tone and its simplified take on a relationship. After reading your explanation it grew even more on me.

A few nits and suggestions:

I would change this to this: "like the vein of red ran on you." --- In order to make 'her' more stone-ish!

Then in two places I think it's a bit too 'telly':

Having held you so, I could no longer let you go, --- I think this line could go entirely and then just start the next one with an 'I'. It would say the same thing and be more to the bone that way.

I've moved on; outgrown our oneness, --- This line speaks of what is really apparent and the word 'oneness' I feel is really tacked on somehow. Getting rid of the entire line I think would as well benefit the piece.

I've so far enjoyed several of your pieces, Boddaert.

Thank you so much for your well thought out and relevant comments Martin. You know I think I will rewrite the piece around your suggestions. Great.