Thread: Gee Baby Dee

The saddest song I’ve ever heard
was written by a transsexual harpist;
her voice is stuck somewhere between
a man’s husk and a woman’s chime;

she shares her beautiful darkness,
—a pain that I can’t really understand,
and it makes me cry her simple lines
as if I’ve lived as an outcast from my own body
all of my life.

But then again I’ve cried over
the cutest songs I’ve ever heard too.
Pink melodies bounce from tongue to teeth
—the unattainable joy tears my tears
as harshly as a prick on my finger
or that pluck of the harp’s chord.

I love this! Beautiful imagery...
One thing: why is it called Gee Baby Dee?? I don't understand, I think you could choose something that would better suit the lovely fluidity of your language
KEEP WRITING
x

Thank you very much. The title is referring to Baby Dee - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia ( YouTube - Baby Dee "The Dance of Diminishing Possibilities" VIDEO ) and YouTube -

Very contrasting styles haha

Svir, what a beautiful and touching poem. Though, I think you could give the poem more justice if you create stanzas. Here's how I might work it out.

The saddest song
I’ve ever heard
was written by
a transsexual harpist

Her voice is stuck
somewhere between
a man’s husk and a woman’s chime.

She shares her beautiful darkness,
a pain that I can’t really understand
and it makes me cry, her simple lines,
as if I’ve lived as an outcast from my own body
all of my life.

But then again I’ve cried over
the cutest songs I’ve ever heard.
Pink melodies bounce from tongue to teeth.
The unattainable joy tears my tears
as harshly as a prick on my finger
or that pluck of the harp’s chord.

The ending is music to my ears.

The unattainable joy tears my tears
as harshly as a prick on my finger
or that pluck of the harp’s chord.


I've yet to master perfect punctuation but this is an idea. As usual, you've managed to produce the heart felt. Laurie

'Pink melodies that bounce from tongue to teeth'

What a great line phonetically! I just repeated it out loud a few times and my girlfriend looked at me like I might be mad.. Having said that, how about 'dance' instead of 'bounce', just seems to me to fit the word and sound pattern a little better.

Thank you very very much! I'm going to get to work on an edit right now!

I enjoyed this one, Svir. I agree with Laurie, it's a beautiful and touching poem.

first edit up

The second stanza struck something in me, I don't know why. Perhaps its the raw nature of the words, as if I can relate to the feelings in it. Ironic, huh, since that is what the stanza was trying to portray.

Svir, relating to your edit here:

I really liked this poem. Some of your best work I'd say. It reminded me very much of the surreal musical "Hedwig and the Angry Inch", which I loved and can only recommend to those who haven't seen it yet. You really captured the pain and courage of the subject, and then a following empathy in trying to understand the personal battles some have. It must be unimaginable hard to be trapped in your own body.

I have a few suggestions to second stanza:

she shares her beautiful darkness,
—a pain that I can’t really understand,
but it makes me cry her simple lines
as if I’ve been an outcast from my own body
my whole life.

I think the third stanza isn't nearly as good as the other two. It seems like a forced ending if you know what I mean. As writers we naturally tend to attach ourselves to our work. In a correspondence I had with a well published poet, I learned that we shouldn't be reluctant of cutting away big portions of our pieces, if it somehow would benefit them or give them a more interesting focus. Less is more, more is less, really applies to many poems I think. With this your piece, I think the third stanza should simply go. Your first two has so much to say, and the third merely put an, to me, unwelcome focus on the narrator which detracts from what I got from the piece otherwise. Also, second stanza ends phonetically brilliant and packs such punch that I was left with the same feeling of insecurity and doubt, that surely makes up for much of the pain felt by the subject. The perfect ending I'd say...

All in my opinion of course, and again, I really really enjoyed what you've put together here.

"Pink melodies bounce from tongue to teeth"

There are worlds contained in this line. You are an artist. Good work!

thank you all very much