Thread: Etched In My Soul

With my eyes closed
I can see everything

The baby I once was
The girl I grew into
The young woman I am today

With my ears covered
I can hear everything

The love they once had
The arguements it turned into
The silence of a replacement

With my nose covered
I can smell everything

The smell of snow in our meeting
The smell of sunshine in our friendship
The smoky odor of missing you

With my hands tied
I can feel everything

The feel of his hand in mine
The feel of his arms around me
The distance seperating us

With my mouth closed
I can taste everything

The bitterness of my sorrow
The spice of my anger
The blandness of my confusion

With my senses denied
I can still remember everything
For its etched in my soul

This is really really great, I gotta say that I can relate exactly to this...It's almost my life story at the moment..but I really enjoyed this

Short, simple and straight-forward, a piece that anyone can relate to. This is a very good piece. I just have a points to say:

The baby I once was
The girl I grew into
The young woman I am today

The word "young" seemed to stray away from the beautiful rhythm the stanza has delivered. Check out the stanza without the "young."

The baby I once was
The girl I grew into
The woman I am today

Notice that? The flow sounded more fluid, yes? That's because of the meter of each line. All of the meters are now the same.

The arguements it turned into

A slight typo, I believe.

The smoky odor of missing you

This line, I'm having a lot of thought. There's nothing wrong with it, its just that the flow of the stanza would've been better if you kept the parallelism in all three lines. Something like this (this I'm not sure myself):

The smell of snow in our meeting
The smell of sunshine in our friendship
The smell of ash in our parting

Tried to use something that could smell like smoke, then played with "missing you" to come up with "our parting." Having used the line, you can now see that the parallelism has been preserved, yes? This makes the flow of the stanza more fluid, don't you think?

Nevertheless, a real down-to-earth piece. Its simple yet heartfelt. A wonderful read.

Thanks Ruby, though I'm sad you can relate, because that is exactly my life story. You're right Fuhrer, those changes do make it sound much better. I appreciate it (: I've been working on it, I wrote that at 3 a.m. when I woke up lol.

This is a nice little poem with some good images. I enjoyed the message in this one.