Thread: The Garden

Check below for an edit...

Last night I dreamt of Vodka of smoke of
curling, cringing, I dreamt of lies
Lies of warmth and artificial liquor that grows
roses all liquid grows roses when roses are called for
black petals, dying petals, grey and limping stems.


I dreamt of a garden where everything dies
and nothing is fresh because nothing is new and
soil is evil,
nature never has a say in this man-made garden.


The soil is black and dry and it crumbles
it crumbles through my wan, skinny fingers
fingers crushing fists, forming signs
making anger.


Laughing at us.

Vodka of smoke of
curling, cringing, I dreamt of lies

Maybe this could be changed into this.

Vodka
of smoke
of curling,
cringing,
I dreamt of lies

the third line also has a capitalization error because you didn't place a full stop before.Unless, you meant Lies to be something important, then if this is the case you can leave it, but make sure to make lie capitalized in the entire poem. After that, I found this a very enjoyable piece. Just format it a little bit and it will increase the sentiment in the poem. (which I believe is mankind defiling something pure, I.E. depressing?)

The repetitions in this were a bit cloying; they came across as a device to carry the drama of the piece, whereas the meat of the poem should serve that purpose on its own.

Last night I dreamt of Vodka of smoke of
curling, cringing, I dreamt of lies

curling, cringing, I dreamt of lies
Lies of warmth and artificial liquor that grows


The soil is black and dry and it crumbles
it crumbles through my wan, skinny fingers

roses all liquid grows roses when roses are called for I did love this line though. The difference between the repetition here and elsewhere is that here it adds to the content of the poem, as opposed to guiding the reader by the hand towards the contemplative mood you wanted them to connect to.

The imagery in this poem was fantastic. Inspiring, actually. But what is it actually about? I have theories but I want to hear what you had in mind.

But what is it actually about? I have theories but I want to hear what you had in mind.

Bearycool had it right - mankind destroying all good things. I'm rather sick of the artificial, the pretext...whatever good is left in the world, it seems we humans are bent on ruining it.

Oh God, I sound like a cynic. XD

I really liked this, I think it's creative and original in its form and wordplay. The way it read really conveyed a feeling of desperation to me. I understood the piece more as the narrator succumbed to the darker things of life. For me it was definitely about the narrator being overwhelmed this way, rather than the world actually being destroyed. It's a perfect testament as to why we should all attend the rainbow gatherings..!

I would change first bit to this:

Last night I dreamt of vodka and of smoke
curling, cringing, I dreamt of lies.

Edge has a point concerning the following repetition of "Lies", though I didn't personally mind it, as I think it added to the overall feeling of desperation. Then shouldn't there be a comma after the first use of "roses"? It's an interesting line, but the syntax confused me initially, which I think that comma would fix...

Then I would get rid of the last line. There's no indication through out of someone actually being cynical towards the narrator, and the previous verse would really end the whole piece well (in anger instead).

Very good work with this one, it really took me there and I think we all have our cynical days.

For one who revels in imagery and the dark, this poem was a pure delight. How you break up the words, include or eliminate them is essential to getting juicy poems like this the best of reader's attention. I hope you don't mind me taking the liberty of sharing some ideas.

Last night I dreamed
of Vodka then smoke
curling, cringing.

I dreamed of lies
and warmth.
Artificial liquor
became false roses (economy)


No more black death petals, (Economize, again)
grey or limping stems.

I dreamed of a garden
where all that is beautiful dies.
Soil is so evil. ( emphasize evil)
and nothing is fresh because nothing is new and (Eliminate this line. Redundant.)

Nature never speaks
to this deafened man-made garden. (Make use of figures of speech. Seize the opportunity!)

The earth is black, dry and it crumbles
through my wan, skinny fingers.
Now, crushing fists, (Bring us there)
forming signs,
making anger.




rosie, a beautiful mix of images. More!

So I sort of mushed all of your critiques together and came up with this:

Last night I dreamt of Vodka
of smoke,
curling,
cringing,
I dreamt of lies.

Lies of warmth and artificial liquor that grows
roses all liquid grows roses when roses are called for.
Growing black petals, dying petals, grey and limping stems.

I dreamt of a garden where everything dies
and nothing is fresh, nothing is new and
soil is evil,
nature is mute in this deaf and man-made garden.

The soil is black and dry
and it crumbles through my wan, skinny fingers
fingers crushing fists, forming signs
making anger.

I think, meshing the suggestions while keeping the integrity of your poem intact is a great achievement. You're doing just what we're supposed be doing here! Well, done. Laurie

you've done a wonderful job with the edit! I really enjoyed this